LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



00012147405 



TJ BANQUET OF WIT 



DEDICATION 

TO 

WILLIAM J. THOMS, ESQ., F.S.A, 

Sir, 

Permit me on behalf of Mr. Gray and 
myfelf to dedicate to you this volume of Anec- 
dotes as an humble tribute of refpecl: for you as 
a gentleman and a fcholar ; and alfo in remem- 
brance of the intimate friendfhip which for fo 
many years fubfifted betwixt yourfelf and my 
father, the late Mr. James Maidment. 
Believe me, Sir, 

Your moft faithful fervant, 
J. J. B. Maidment, 

20, Rofehall Terrace, Edinburgh, 
17 July, 1882. 



PREFACE. 



ct^setiHAT the prefent age is efTentially 
matter of fa£t, is a truifm which does 




not admit of contradiction. Every- 
body nowadays is " educated within 
an inch of their lives," and, confequently, 
their heads being crammed with the ideas of 
others, it naturally follows that they have little 
or no room for any of their own. This fact, 
fupplemented by the too prevalent Mammon- 
worfhip which is instrumental in placing the pof- 
feflbr of a long purfe upon a pinnacle to which he 
could never have dared to afpire through the 
mere unaided force of his own natural intelli- 
gence, no doubt fatisfaclorily, or rather we mould 
fay unfatisfactorily, accounts for "the plentiful 
lack of wit," difplayed by our contemporaries, 
and caufes us to look back with a figh to the 
palmy days of our anceitors, when genuine 
humour was not the vara avis it has fince be- 



viii PREFACE. 

come. In this volume we have attempted to 
give our readers an opportunity of communing 
with the fpirits of departed wits, being under the 
impreiTion that what had interefted and amufed 
ourfelves might prove equally interefting and 
amufing to many to whom the fources upon which 
we have drawn were not available. Trufting 
that we were not incorrect in our furmife, the 
verdict is left hopefully with our readers by 

The Compilers. ' 




THE BANQUET OF WIT. 



An Irijh Interview. 

N Irifhman was one day bragging to 
his friends that the king had fpoken 
to him. On being afked what his 
majefty faid to him, he replied, 

" Arrah, my dear honey, he only axed me to 

get out of the way." 




An American Bull. 

A Philadelphia paper relates the following 
laughable occurrence : A prifoner at the bar of 
the Mayor's Court in that city being called on to 

I plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by 
the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man 

j immediately held up his left hand. " Hold up 
tyour right hand," faid the clerk. " Pleafe your 

) b 



2 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

honour," faid the culprit, ftill holding up his left 
hand, " I am left-handed." 



John Scot. 

A pragmatical young fellow, fitting at table 
over againft the learned John Scot, afked him 
what difference there was between Scot and Sot ? 
" Juft the breadth of the table" anfwered the 
other. 

Funeral Sermon. 

A ludicrous miftake happened fome time ago 
at a funeral in Marylebone. The clergyman 
had gone on with the fervice until he came to 
that part which fays, " Our deceafed brother or 
Jijler" without knowing whether the deceafed 
was male or female. He turned to one of the 
mourners, and afked whether it was a brother or 
fifter ? The man very innocently replied, " No 
relation at all, fir, only an acquaintance." 



The Marriage Rights. 

A girl forced by her parents into a difagree- 
able match with an old man whom fhe detefted, 
when the clergyman came to that part of the 
fervice where the bride is afked if fhe confents t<* 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 3 

take the bridegroom for her hufband, faid, with 
great fimplicity, " Oh, deed, no, fir ; but ye are 
the firft perfon wha has afk'd ma opinion aboot 
the matter." 



Telling School Tales. 

An alehoufe girl took it into her head to be 
eatechifed at church. The parfon afked her what 
w r as her name. " La, fir," faid fhe, "how can 
you pretend not to know my name, when you 
come to our houfe fo often, and cry, ten times in 
an evening, c Nan, you flut, bring us another full 
pot, and then — .' " 

Journal for de week. 

The following paper was dropped from the pocket of 
a few well known upon ' Change. 

Sunday. — No bufinefs to be done — de Chrif- 
tians all out making holiday — waited at home for 
Levi : he never come — took a walk in St. 
George's Fields — put me in mind of Newgate — 
called dere — fupped and fmoked a pipe with Lord 
George Gordon — very fenfible man. 

Monday. — At 'Change till two — man in red 
coat wanted to borrow monies — did not like his 
looks — in de afternoon called in St. James' Street 



4 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

— not at home — very bad luck — thought to have 
touched fometing dere. 

Tuefday. — Went to de weft end of de town — 
bought fome old clothes — took in — gave great 
price for de breeches, thinking I felt guinea in 
de fob left dere by miftake — only done to cheat 
me — noting in the world but counterfeit half- 
penny — fold dem again to* Levi — took him in de 
fame way — very good dat. 

Wednefday. — Went to St. James' Street again 
— de devil is in de man — not at home — met 
Levi -, he fcolded me about de breeches — not 
mind dat at all — went to puff at de auction — 
very well paid — engaged to puff at anoder in de 
evening — found out dere — obliged to fneak off 
— found a pair of candlefticks in my coat pocket 
— dropped in by acjhident — fold dem to Mr. 
Polifhplate., de filverfmith — did very well by 
dat. 

Thurfday. — On 'Change — met de gentleman 
with de white wig — wanted more monies — let 
him have it — very good fecurities — like white 
wigs — carried my advertifement to de newfpaper, 
figned Z — pretty crooked letter dat — alway fure 
to bring cuftomers. 

Friday. — Found a watch in my coat pocket — 
dropped in by acjhident — made fome money by dat 
— met my good friend Mr. Smafh — not feen him 
fince he was a bankrupt — arrefted him for de 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 5 

monies he owed me — went home, and prepared 
for de fab bath. 



Symptom of Dodging* 
Marquis de Joiras. 
The day before a battle, an officer afked the 
Marquis de Joiras permiffion to go and fee his 
father, who was extremely ill, to render him his 
fervices, and receive his benedictions. c< Go," 
faid the general, who very diitin£tly perceived the 
motive of this requeft, " Honour thy father and 
thy mother, that thy days may be long.'" 

Hon. "John Forbes. 

It was thought expedient to offer a noble 
lord the office of General of the Marines, then 
held by Admiral Forbes. It was fignified to him 
that it would forward the king's fervice if he 
would refign, and that, for thus accommodating 
government, it v/as propofed recommending to 
the king to give him a penfion of ^3,000 per 
annum, and a peerage to defcend to his daughter. 
To this Admiral Forbes fent an immediate an- 
fwer. He told the minifters, " The generalfhip of 
marines was a military employment, given him 
as a reward for his fervices ; that he thanked 



6 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

God he had never been a burthen to his country, 
which he had ferved during a long life to the beft 
of his ability; and would not condefcend to accept 
of a penfion, or bargain for a peerage." He con- 
cluded by laying his generalfhip of the marines, 
together with his rank in the navy, at his Majefty's 
feet, entreating him to take both away, if they 
could forward his fervice ; and at the fame time 
amired his Majefty, " he would never prove him- 
feif unworthy of the honours he had received by 
ending the remnant of a long life as a penfioner, 
or accepting a peerage by political arrange- 
ment." 

S elf-Defence. 

I A gentleman's dog having afTailed a paviour, 
and fattened on his leg, the paviour in felf-de- 
fence killed the animal. His mafter, enraged, 
demanded compenfation, and had the man brought 
before a magiftrate. On being afked why he 
killed the dog, he anfwered that the animal 
would have bit him. "But why," faid the 
magiftrate, " not ftrike him with the handle of 
the pick, inftead of the point?" "So I mould," 
anfwered Paddy, " if he had attempted to bite 
me with his tail, inftead of his teeth." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 7 

Dinner c Ti?ne. 
Cardinal Espagne. 
In the war carried on by the Pope, at the camp 
of Picene a general engagement became, from 
the pofition of the armies, unavoidable. The 
Cardinal went through the ranks exhorting the 
Papal troops to exertions for the honour and 
Hates of the Holy See, following this up with a 
complete remifiion of all their fins, and con- 
cluding with an afTurance that fuch of them as 
died that day, would dine with the angels in 
heaven. After this feafonable harangue, his 
Eminence was retiring, which a foldier obferving, 
faid to him, " And you, my Lord Cardinal^ wont 
you remain with us, and go and dine in Paradife ? " 
" My friend" anfwered the Cardinal, " / fioould 
gladly be of 'the party , but I have dined." 

Faith. 
Frederick the Great. 
Frederick the Great having embellifried a 
Lutheran church with a new altar-piece, the 
minifters reprefenting to the king that their flock 
could not read the canticles, which were done in 
a very fmall print, his Majefty, confidering that 
the advanced ftate of the building rendered this 



8 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

fault irremediable, returned their remonftrance, 
having firft written at the bottom of it thefe 
words : — 

" Happy are they who believe and fee not." 



Given over. 

Henry IV. being told that a celebrated phy- 
fician had quitted the reformed religion and 
embraced the Roman Catholic, said to the Duke 
of Sully, "My friend, your religion mult be in 
a very weak flate, fince it is given over by the 
phyfician." 

All for the Beft. 

Rev. Dr. Skelton. 

This clergyman w T as diftinguifhed for his fati- 
rical and fevere turn : he was called the Irifh 
South. 1 He one day, in a fermon, enlarged on 
the pofition, that " everything which God made, 
was well made." ""This is an affertionf faid a 
man exceedingly deformed, who had attentively 
liftened to the doctor's difcourfe, " which rather 
Jl aggers my belief" When the fermon was 
finifhed, he followed Dr. Skelton to the door ot 
church, and faid to him, " Sir, you preached that 
God had made all things well, fee how I am made" 

1 A celebrated Englifli divine. 



THE BANQUET OF WH. g 

u My friend " anfwered the doclor, furveying 
him from head to foot, a you are very iv ell for a 
cripple." 

Text for Text. 
The Duke Bouillon, 

whom Louis XIII. had juft pardoned for a 
confpiracy, met the Cardinal of Valette, who 
faid to him, " Beati quorum remijfa funt iniqui- 
tates." — "Blefled are they whofe fins are forgiven 
them." As this Cardinal had been fufpe£ted of 
being alfo engaged in another confpiracy, the 
Duke anfwered him, u Et quorum tecla funt pec- 
cata." — " And under whofe roof there are no 
faults." This anfwer is the more happy, as being 
chofen from the fame pfalm. 



Pope Alexander VI. 

having expended large fums in building a mag- 
nificent palace, the poor, who fufFered greatly, 
murmured at it, and wrote thefe words upon the 
gates of it : " Die ut lapides ifti panes fiant." — 
" Command that thefe ftones be made bread." 



io THE BANQUET OF IV IT. 

Rife of the City of Glafgow. 
Provost Cochrane. 
The late Provoft Cochrane, who was emi- 
nently wife, and who had been a merchant at 
Glafgow for near feventy years, being afked to 
what caufes he imputed the fudden rife of the city 
of Glafgow, hefaid it was allowing to four young 
men of talents and fpirit, who ftarted at one time 
in bufinefs, and whofe fuccefs gave example to 
the reft. The four had not ten thousand 
pounds amongft them when they began. 

Wigs. 

It is faid that the flrft perfon by whom a 
wig was worn in Ireland was a Mr. Edmund 
O'Dwyer, who loft his eftate by joining in op- 
pofition to Cromwell's forces. He was known 
by the appellation of Edmund of the tvig. 



Rings. 

The ufe of rings is of high antiquity in Ire- 
land. In a tranflation of a fragment of Icelandic 
hiftory, entitled, " A Voyage from Ireland to 
Iceland," in the pofTe/Tion of the Earl of Moira, 
an Irifh princefs, refident in Iceland, prefents to 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. n 

her Ton, on the eve of his departure for Ireland, 
a ring, faying, " My father made a prefent of this 
gold ring to me on the appearance of my flrft 
tooth, I hope that he will know it again." 



Eloquence ! ! ! 

Mr. Cruger, 

Mr. Burke's colleague for Briftol, it would 
appear was not remarkable as an orator. It is 
reported that after Mr. Burke had delivered one 
of his beft fpeeches at Briftol, Cruger rofe up 
and exclaimed, " 1 fay ditto to Mr. Burke — I fay 
ditto to Mr. Burke." 



Tranfient Splendour. 

The Golden Crown 
of a certain fallen family that formerly ruled 
over a confiderable part of Ireland, was (it is a 
well-known facY) very lately extant. It is with 
pain I add, that the neceffities of the poffeflbr 
compelled him to convert this crown, the pride 
of his family, into money. 1 

1 J. C. Walker, Efq., who relates this interefting and 
lingular anecdote, does not mention the name of the pof- 
feflbr of this crown. The family alluded to is moft probably 
that of O'C— n— r. 



12 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 
Moji Mafical. 

A mufician of note, who had acquired a con- 
siderable fortune by marriage, was afked to fing 
in company. u Allow me," faid he, " to imitate 
the nightingale, which does not Ting after it has 
made its neft." 

Soldier/hip. 
Chevalier D'Affas. 
The memory of the following trait ought to be 
immortal. M. d'Affas, a captain in the regiment 
of Auvergne, being fent in the night-time upon 
a fcout, was furprifed by a patrol of the enemy ; 
he was ordered to be filent, and they threatened 
to kill him if he fpoke a word. He immediately 
cried out, " Come here, Auvergne, the enemy 
are here ! " This generous Curtius, who ought 
to have feen his enemy fall at his feet with ad- 
miration, was inftantly marTacred. 

Re cone Hi at io77. 

Adrian Brouwer. 

This moft eminent of the Dutch painters was 
pleafant, facetious, and witty in his cups, and was 
a ftrong advocate for a fhort life and a merry 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 13 

one. Refolving to proceed poft-hafte to his 
grave by the help of brandy, he arrived at his 
journey's end when he was only thirty years of 
age. On his death-bed, he afked for a goblet of 
water, which he drank, faying, " We muft re- 
concile ourfelves to our enemies when we are 
dying." 

Too late. 

An eminent lawyer having recovered from a 
very dangerous illnefs at the age of ninety, his 
friends congratulated him, and encouraged him 
to get up. " Alas ! " faid he to them, " it is 
hardly worth while to drefs myfelf again." 



Mafs and Mefs. 

Fontenelle had a brother, an abbot, who loved 
good wine. A gentleman afked him one day, 
" What is your brother doing ? " " My brother," 
faid he, " he is a prieft." u Has he a living ? " 
" No." " How does he employ himfelf?" " He 
fays mafs in the morning." " And in the even- 
ing?" "In the evening," rejoins Fontenelle, 
" he don't know what he fays." 



14 THE BANQUET OF JVIT. 

Early Indication of Character. 

Despreaux Boileau. 

The father of this eminent poet and fatirift (in 
the latter refpe£t only fecond to Horace, or per- 
haps to Pope), examining one day the characters 
of his children, and furprifed at the mildnefs and 
fimplicity which he difcovered in Defpreaux, faid 
always of him, as diftinclion from the others, 
"That he was a good boy, and would never fpeak 
ill of any body" 

La Maupin, 

A French finger in the feventeenth century, 
one of the numerous inftances in which a ftage 
heroine, fortified by public favour, and prefuming 
on the magic of a melodious voice, defied the 
laws and inftitutions of a country by which fhe 
was fupported, and committed with impunity 
crimes which would have doomed a common 
unaccomplished defperado to ignominious death. 

The romantic and indecorous adventurer — for 
we hefitate in calling her a female, who drefTed, 
fought, made love, and conquered like a man — 
married at an early age M. Maupin, whom, for- 
tunately for the hufband, fhe quitted a few 
months after their nuptials, feduced by the fupe- 



THE' BANQUET OF WIT. 15 

rior attra&ions of a fencing-mafter, who taught 
her the ufe of the fmall fword, a weapon which 
fhe afterwards handled with deftru£tive dexterity 
againft many antagonifts. 

Being invited to make an excurfion to Mar- 
feilles, her performances at the theatre of that 
city were received with unbounded applaufe; 
and, ftrange to tell, (he prevailed on a beautiful 
young woman, the only child of a wealthy mer- 
chant in that city, to elope with her at midnight 
from her father's houfe. The fugitives being 
purfued, they took refuge in a convent, but the 
rigid difcipline and correcl: manners expected in 
fuch focieties did not fuit La Maupin \ fhe was 
alfo alarmed by certain repentant fcruples which 
naturally arofe in the bofom of her fair aflbciate, 
who had quitted her parents, and deferted all that 
was decent and refpe&able in fociety, for a female 
bravo, a mafculine virago, whom fhe now dreaded 
and fubmitted to, rather than loved. 

Interrupted in her defigns, and irritated by 
oppofition, this theatric mifcreant fet fire in the 
dead of night to the building in which they had 
been fo hofpitably received, and, in the general 
confufion and alarm, fecuring by force her un- 
happy vi&im, fled to a fequeftered village, where 
they remained in concealment feveral weeks. 
But the country being exafperated by fuch fla- 
grant enormity, a diligent fearch took place, the 



i6 THE BANQUET OF IF1T. 

offender was traced to her retreat, and taken 
into cuftody, after a defperate refiftance, in which 
{he killed one of the officers of juftice and dan- 
geroufly wounded two others. 

The fair but frail Marfeillaife was reftored to 
her afflicted parents, and La Maupin, a notorious 
murderer, a feducer of innocence, and an incen- 
diary, was condemned to be burnt alive. But 
this abominable firen, whofe magic tones en- 
chanted every hearer, while lawlefs paffions 
agitated her heart, and the poifon of afps was 
within her lips — this compound of turpitude, info- 
lence, and ingratitude — had fecured fuch power- 
ful interceders, that the execution of her fentence 
was delayed ; and I relate with regret that fo 
odious a character efcaped the punifhment fhe 
deferved. 

From infamy and fetters fhe hurried to Paris, 
and was received with rapture at the Italian 
Opera ; but, after fo narrow an efcape, and frill 
bafking in the warm funfhine of public favour, 
La Maupin could not, or would not, conquer 
the chara&eriftic audacity and ferocioufnefs of 
her manners. 

During the performance of a favourite piece, 
and in a crowded theatre, conceiving herfelf 
affronted by Dumenil, an a£tor remarkable for 
mild and inoffenfive conduit, fhe ruihed on the 
ftage, poured forth a torrent of abufe on the ob- 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 17 

ject of her refentment, and caned him in the face 
of the audience. 

This rude violation of propriety was fub- 
mitted to without a murmur, and, fupported in 
the ftrongholds of public patronage, fhe exercifed 
for many years a capricious and infulting tyranny 
over princes, magiftrates, managers, and people. 

At a ball given by a prince of the blood, in the 
reign of Louis XIV., fhe indecoroufly paraded 
the room in men's clothes, and, treating a lady 
of diftin&ion with rudenefs, was called out at 
different times by three gentlemen, each of whom 
fhe ran through the body ; yet fuch was the 
public infatuation, fo polluted the fountain of 
juftice, that this hell-hound, whofe exiftence was 
a libel on the laws of nature and humanity, 
again was pardoned ! 

Under the impulfe of prevalent fafhion, pecu- 
liar tafte, vicious caprice, or a combination of 
appetite and curiofity, the Elector of Bavaria 
made her propofals, which were accepted, and, 
for a fhort time, fhe infulted the inhabitants of 
BrufTels, as an appendage to the loofe pleafures 
of their fovereign. 

But the reign of a proftitute, which can be 
prolonged only by difcretion and gentlenefs, was 
rapidly fhortened by a ferocious virago, who, 
flopping from infamy the thin veil of exterior 
decency, foon difgufted her lover. 
c 



1 8 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Although callous in crime, the German prince 
fhrunk from abfurdity. With a mixture of cruelty 
and kindnefs, he fent La Maupin a heavy purfe 
of gold, accompanied with a meflage that her 
carriage, with an efcort, was at the door, in which 
fhe muft inftantly quit the country : the enraged 
courtefan threw the money at the meflenger's 
head, kicked him down flairs, and threw herfelf 
into the landau. 

Returning to France, her chagrin was gradu- 
ally foothed by the applaufe of a Parifian circle, 
and in the decline of life, quitting the ftage, fhe 
aflfociated with her forfaken hufband, who, 
dazzled by her accumulated wealth, overlooked 
his domeftic difgrace. 

Never too late to Mend. 
Madame de Sevigne. 
" / cannot bear" faid Madame de Sevigne, " to 
hear old people fay^ c I am too old to mend ;' 
would fooner forgive a young perfon for fuch an 
obfervation. Youth is fo amiable, that we muft 
admire it, if the mind is as perfedt as the body ; 
but when we are no longer young, it is then that 
we mould improve ourfelves, and endeavour to 
regain, by good qualities, what we have loft on 
the fide of the agreeable." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 19 

Imagination. 

There lived at Taunton a perfon of fome pro- 
perty who had repeatedly filled the office of over- 
feer with much credit and integrity ; he was a 
remarkably nervous fubject, and perhaps carried 
hypochondria further than any of his predecefTors. 
Ke would keep the houfe for feveral weeks under 
an idea of danger in going abroad. Sometimes 
he was a cat, feated on his hind quarters, and 
occafionally fpitting at the perfon who brought 
him food ; at others, he would fancy himfelf a 
teapot, and ftand with one arm akimbo like the 
handle, and the other ftretched out like the fpout. 
But his laft imaginary ftate was the moil fingular ; 
he imagined himfelf dead, and would not be 
moved till the coffin came. 

Never having carried his " thick coming 

fancies " fo far before, Mrs. , in ferious 

alarm, fent for a furgeon, who addreffed him with 

the ufual falutation, " Mr. , how do you do 

this morning?" 

" Do !." replied he in a low voice, " a pretty 
queftion to afk a dead man ! " 

" Dead; fir ! what do you mean ?" 

" Yes, I died laft Wednefday ; the coffin will 
be here prefently, and I mall be buried to- 
morrow." 

The furgeon,. a man of fenfe and fkill, imme- 



20 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

diately thought of a fcheme that promifed fuccefs: 
with a ferious, fteady countenance he felt his 
pulfe, and fhaking his head, faid, " I find it is 
indeed too true ; you are certainly defunct ; the 
blood is in a ftate of ftagnation, putrefaction is 
about to take place, and the fooner you are buried 
the better." 

The coffin arrived, he was carefully placed in 
it, and carried towards the church. The furgeon, 
perfe£tly acquainted with his character, knew 
where he was vulnerable, and acting accordingly, 
had given inftruclions to feveral neighbours how 
to proceed. The procefiion had fcarcely moved 
a dozen yards, when a perfon flopped to inquire 
who they were carrying to the grave ? " Mr. 

, our late worthy overfeer." 

" What ! is the old rogue gone at lad ? A good 
releafe, for a greater villain never lived." 

The imaginary deceafed no fooner heard this 
attack on his character, than he jumped up, and 
in a threatening pofture faid, " You lying fcoun- 
drel, if I was not dead, I'd make you fufFer for 
what you fay ; but as it is, I am forced to fubmit." 
He then quietly lay down again, but ere they had 
proceeded half way to the church, another party 
ftopped the procefiion with the fame inquiry, and 
added invective and abufe. This was more than 
our fuppofed corpfe could bear ; he was wrought 
up to a degree of frenzy, and jumping from the 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 21 

coffin, was in the a£t of following his defamers, 
when the whole party burft into an immoderate 
fit of laughter, and fo far abafhed this valetudi- 
narian, that, afhamed of the public expofure, and 
awakened to a proper fenfe of his folly, he fought 
againft the weaknefs, and in the end conquered 
it. 

Faffing Sentence. 

A fellow in Dublin had once committed fome 
trifling offence, for which the judge pronounced 
the following fentence : — 

Judge. " The fentence of the court is, that 
you mail be flogged from the Bank to the 
Quay." 

Prifonerihajiily interrupting the judge). cc Thank 
you, my lord, you have done your worft." 

Judge. " Oh ! no — and back again. 1 " 



Renowned Whifky. 

Three Irifhmen, who had drunk pretty freely 
of whifky at a tavern in Dublin, were loud in 
their praife of its virtues, as they reeled along the 
banks of the Liffey. One of them had juft de- 
clared that " whifky was meat and drink to a 
man," when his foot flipped, and he fell into the 
river, and was drowned. " You're a lucky dog. 



22 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Pat," faid one of his friends, " you are fully pro- 
vided for ; you had meat and drink, and now you 
have got board and warning." 



Curing a Tell-tale. 

A late reverend luminary of a northern 
capital, as famed for his claret-drinking powers 
as for his great abilities, had a crony of the name 
of Hendrie, with whom he was fond of fpending 
the whole night in a convivial tete-a-tete. Hen- 
drie's conftant apology to his wife, on returning 
home from thefe drunken bouts, was, that he 
" had been with that good, holy man, Dr. Thom- 
fon." The lady made no fecret to her friends of 
the excefTes into which her hufband was led by 
the reverend gentleman ; and the circumftance 
coming to the ears of the doclor, he refolved to 
take a pleafant revenge on Hendrie for the fcandal 
which he had brought on his character. The next 
time they were feated at a tavern, over a bottle 
of claret, with the intention of fitting it out as 
ufual, the Doctor pretended, all of a fudden, to 
recollect fome bufinefs of an official nature which 
he muft go about immediately. " However," 
faid he, " it won't detain me long, fo do you re- 
main here till I return. In the meantime, re- 
plenifh your glafs, and ftir up the fire." Away 
went the doctor, not, however, about any official 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 23 

bufinefs, but dire&ly to the houfe of Mr. Hendrie. 
" Is Mr. Hendrie at home ? " " No, fir." " Is 
Mrs. Hendrie at home ? " " Yes, fir." " Dr. 
Thomfon's compliments, and he would be happy 
to wait upon her." The doclor was immediately 
ufhered into the prefence of the lady, who received 
him with a degree of conftrained politenefs, the 
meaning of which he was at no lofs to compre- 
hend. " So, madam," faid the doctor, " Mr. 
Hendrie, I find, is not at home r " " No, doctor ; 
but now that you are here, I'll anfwer for it he 
will be home foon enough." " Well, madam,'" 
replied the doctor, affecting not to feel the point 
of her obfervation, "it is a long time fince I have 
feen Mr. Hendrie ; and as I want very much to 
fpeak with him about a matter of importance, I 
fhall wait a little." From the ferioufnefs with 
which this was faid, the lady began to fufpec~f. 
that her hufband muft have been taking fome 
liberties with the doctor's name in his drunken 
apologies; and, in a kindlier tone, fhe invited the 
doctor to ftay to fupper, by which time fhe hoped 
and trufted, and had no doubt, Mr. Hendrie would 
be returned home. " Nothing," the doctor faid, 
"would give him more pleafure; for luckily he 
had an hour to fpare that night, which, fo many 
were his avocations, was but rarely the cafe." 
Supper time came, but ftill no Mr. Hendrie ap- 
peared. His good lady could not imagine what 



24 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

had become of him. The doctor fuggefted a 
hundred friendly apologies. The hour of eleven 
at length arriving, later than which, as the doctor 
gravely affirmed, he never ftayed from home, he 
rofe to depart, begging Mrs. Hendrie to inform 
her hufband how anxious he was to fee him, and 
how long he had waited for him. The doctor 
now haftened back to the tavern, made many 
excufes to Hendrie for leaving him fo long alone; 
and, to make up for the loft time, plied the bottle 
fo hard that ere daybreak he fent the babbler 
home more fuddled than he ever parted from 
him before. " Where have you been, you 
drunken fot ? " exclaimed his offended wife. 
Hendrie hiccupped out as ufual, "Where, where 
have I been ? Why don't you know, my love ? 
With that good, holy man, Dr. Thomfon." 
" Oh, fie, fie! Mr. Hendrie," rejoined the honeft 
woman ; u how dare you make fie a ufe o' that 
godly man's name ? Wi' you, indeed ! na, na, 
gudeman, nor wi' ony like you. That ftory 'ili 
no do ony langer ; I've fand you out at laft, fir. 
The doctor nipped here to-night, and has na feen • 
you the Lord knows when ! " In vain did Hen- 
drie proteft, as intelligibly as he could, how truly 
he fpoke; the lady knew better than to believe a 
word he faid. Next morning, when Hendrie 
began to collect his fcattered fenfes, he eafily per- 
ceived the trick which the doctor had played off 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 25 

upon him; but rather than betray (o worthy an 
aflbciate, he chofe to remain filent; and ever 
after, inftead of being faluted with a " Where 
have you been, drunken fot ? " his good wife 
would bawl out, in a tone of high derifion, <e So, 
Mr. Hendrie, with the doctor , as ufual^ I fup- 
pofe ? " 

Military Pretenfions, 
Louis XIV. 

An officer of the regiment of Orleans having 
been defpatched to the Court with intelligence, 
demanded, as was ufual, the crofs of St. Louis. 
" But you are very young," faid Louis XIV. 
to him. " Sire," anfwered the brave foldier, 
" we do not Jive long in your regiment of Or- 
leans." 

Powers of a Painter, 

Peter Cortone. 

One day the Duke of Tufcany was amufing 
himfelf in feeing Cortone painting, who was re- 
prefenting a child crying. tc I'll foon make him 
change his note," cried the painter. He then 
gave a touch of his pencil, and the fame child 
appeared laughing ; again, by another ftroke of 
the pencil, he reprefented him in his former 
ftate. " Thus, Prince," faid the artift, " you 



26 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

fee how eafy it is to make children either laugh 
or cry." 

Bottles flying. 

Hugh Boyd was once dining with a large 
party of his countrymen, all admirers of good 
dinners, good jokes, and good wines, when, 
after having drank freely, one of the company, 
by way of being more amufing than the reft, 
took up a decanter, and flung it at the head 
of the perfon that fat facing him. Boyd, how- 
ever, feeing the miffile about to be thrown, dex- 
teroufly ftretched forth his hand, and caught it, 
exclaiming at the fame time, " Really, gentle- 
men, if you fend the bottle about in this way, 
there will not one of us be able to ftand out 
the evening." 

A Veteran. 

Louis XIV. 

A veteran officer, who had been in very hard 
fervices, entreated Louis XIV. to make him a 
lieutenant-general. " I will think of it," faid 
the King. " I beg, then, your Majefty will be 
fpeedy," replied this brave officer, putting his 
hand up to his head; " for you may fee by my 
white hair that I have not long to wait." This 
boldnefs did not difpleafe the King, and fuccefs 
attended it. 



! 



THE BANQUET OF JVIT. 27 

Anecdote appropriate. 

Henry IV., Duke of Parma. 

When Major Scott urged Mr. Burke to bring 
forward his charges againft Mr. Haftings, Mr. B. 
replied by relating an anecdote of the great Duke 
of Parma, who, being challenged by Henry IV. 
of France " to bring his forces into the open 
field, and inftantly decide their difputes," an- 
fwered, with a fmile, tc that he knew very well 
what he had to do, and was not come fo far 
to be direcled by an enemy." 



Moorifh Gallantry. 

The Princefs of Conti (daughter of Louis 
XIV.), fpeaking to the ambafiador of Morocco, 
exprefled her difapprobation of the plurality of 
wives allowed by Mahomet. " We mould only 
require one each," replied the courteous ambaf- 
fador, " could we get one like your highnefs." 



The Magifirate and the Afs. 

Henry IV. of France, paffing through a fmall 
town, perceived the corporation aflembled to con- 
gratulate him on his arrival. Juft as the principal 



28 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

magiftrate had commenced a tedious oration, an 
afs began to bray ; on which the king, turning 
towards the place where the noify animal was, 
faid, gravely, " Gentlemen, one at a time, if you 
pleafe." 

Eccentricity. 

The character of Trunnion in Smollett's 
novel might in one or two traits be fuppofed 
a copy of Mr. Hagemore. This gentleman died 
in 1746, pofle fled of £7 00 per annum and ^1,000 
in cam, which devolved to a ticket porter in 
London. Mr. H. kept one fervant of each fex 
in his ark, whom he locked up every night. 
His laft employment in an evening was to go 
round his premifes, let loofe his dogs, and fire 
his gun. He loft his life in the following extra- 
ordinary manner : — Going one morning to let out 
his fervants, the dogs fawned upon him fuddenly, 
and threw him into a pond, where he was breaft 
high. The fervants heard him call for affiftance, 
but, being locked up, could not afford him any, 
in confequence of which he was drowned. 
He had, viz. : — 

Thirty gowns and caflbcks, 

Fifty-eight dogs, 

One hundred pairs of breeches, 

One hundred pairs of boots, 

Four hundred pairs of fhoes, 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 29 

Eighty wigs (although he always wore his 

own hair), 
Eighty waggons and carts, 
Eighty ploughs (and ufed none), 
Fifty faddles and furniture for the managej 
Thirty wheelbarrows, 
and fo many walking-flicks that a toyman in 
Leicefter Fields offered his fucceffor eight pounds 
for them. He had alfo fixty horfes and mares, 
three hundred pickaxes, two hundred fpades and 
fhovels, twenty-five ladders, and two hundred and 
forty razors. 



Miniature Writing. 

Peter Bales was one of the firft introducers of 
fhorthand writing ; his fkill in micography, or 
miniature writing, was, we believe, unparalleled. 
Mr. Evelyn informs us that, in the year 1575, he 
wrote the Lord's prayer, the creed, the deca- 
logue, v/ith two fhort prayers, in Latin, his own 
name, motto, day of the month, year of the Lord, 
and reign of the queen (Elizabeth), to whom he 
prefented it at Hampton Court, all within the 
circle of a filver penny, enchafed in a ring and 
borders of gold, and covered with a cryftal, so 
accurately wrought as to be very plainly legible. 
He died about 1600. 



30 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Short Days and long Nights. 

The late Bonnel Thornton, like moft wits, 
was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led 
him to fpend the whole night in company, and 
all the next morning in bed. On one of thefe 
occafions, an old female relation, having waited 
on him before he had arifen, began to read him 
a familiar leclure on prudence ; which fhe con- 
cluded by faying, " Ah ! Bonnel, Bonnel ! I fee 
plainly that you'll Jhorten your days." " Very 
true, madam," replied he, " but, by the fame 
rule, you muft admit that I fhall lengthen my 
nights." 

Important Notice. 

The Rev. John Wefiey predicted the end of 
the world, and fixed the year to 1836, 

RefpeB to Strangers. 

Dr. Leonard Howard, formerly vicar of St. 
George's, Southwark, was a very facetious man, 
but rather improvident. Being one day collect- 
ing a brief with the parifh officers, he called, 
among the reft of the inhabitants, on a grocer, 
with whom he had a running account ; and to 
prevent being firft afked for a fettlement, he in- 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 31 

quired if he was not fomewhat in his debt. On 
referring to the book, there appeared to be feven- 
teen millings due to the grocer. The doctor 
putting his hand in his pocket, took out fome 
filver and a guinea, on which Mr. Fig eyeing the 
latter with fome degree of furprife, exclaimed, 
" Why, doctor, you feem to have got a. f ranger 
there. " " Indeed I have, Mr. Fig," replied 
the wit, and returning it again very deliberately 
into his pocket, " I think, before we part, it may 
be as well that we mould be better acquainted." 

Plain Truth, 

Bifhop Burnet's abfence of mind is well known. 
Dining with the Duchefs of Marlborough after 
her hufband's difgrace, he compared the great 
General to Belifarius. " But," faid the Duchefs 
eagerly, " how came it that fuch a man was fo 
miferable, and univerfally deferted ? " "Oh! 
madam," exclaimed the diftrait prelate, " he had 
fuch a brimftone of a wife." 

MagliabechL 

A Florentine ignoramus was ridiculing this 
learned man on his great age ; Magliabechi re- 
plied, cc An afs is older at twenty than a man at 
fixty years.' ' 



32 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 



A Connoijfeur. 

Vernet relates that he was once employed to 
paint a landfcape with a cave, and St. Jerome in 
it - y he accordingly painted the landfcape with St. 
Jerome at the entrance of the cave. When he 
delivered the picture, the purchafer, who under- 
ftood nothing of perfpe&ive, faid, " The land- 
fcape and the cave are well made, but St. Jerome 
is not in the cave." " I underftand you, fir," 
replied Vernet, " I will alter it." He therefore 
took the painting, and made the fhade darker, fo 
that the faint feemed to fit farther in. The 
gentleman took the painting, but it again ap- 
peared to him that the faint was not in the cave. 
Vernet then wiped out the figure, and gave it to 
the gentleman, who feemed perfectly fatisfied. 
Whenever he faw ftrangers to whom he fhowed 
the picture, he faid, " Here you fee a picture by 
Vernet, with St. Jerome in the cave." " But 
we cannot fee the faint," replied the vifitors. 
"Excufe me, gentlemen," anfwered the pofTefTor, 
" he is there ; for I have feen him ftanding at 
the entrance, and afterwards farther back, and 
am therefore quite fure that he is in it." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 33 

Burgefs on Drunkennefs. 

An hour-glafs is ftill placed on fome of the 
pulpits in country churches. Daniel Burgefs, 
of whimfical memory, never preached without 
one, and he frequently faw it out three times 
during one fermon. In a difcourfe which he 
once delivered at the conventicle in RufTell Court, 
againft drunkennefs, fome of his hearers began to 
yawn at the end of the fecond glafs ; but Daniel 
was not to be filenced by a yawn ; he turned his 
timekeeper, and altering his tone of voice, de- 
fired that they would be patient a little while 
longer, for he had much to fay upon the fin of 
drunkennefs : " Therefore," faid he, " my breth- 
ren, we will have another glafs , and then — " 

Cruelty. 

The proverbial wit of the Irifhjarvey is often- 
times mixed with an under current of ftern reality 
that is as touching as it is eloquent. Driving 
through Dublin on an outfide car, the wretched 
appearance of the horfe fuddenly ftruck me. I 
laid, " Pat, you're fure to be taken up for 
cruelty to animals, driving fuch an old fcrew as 
that." " Begor, fur," was the quick reply, " if 
I didn't dhrive that, I'd be taken up for cruelty 
to a wife and fix childhren." 



34 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

The Bead Alke. 

Teniers. 

This great painter, perceiving that the works 
of painters fold much dearer after the deaths of 
their authors, wifely determined to anticipate the 
reverfionary profits of talent, and to effect, this, 
thought he could not adopt a better expedient 
than to ceafe to live to the public. In order to 
execute this fingular ftratagem, he abfented 
himfelf from the town of Anvers, and his wife 
and children counterfeited affliction by putting 
on black. The trick fucceeded, and, in a very 
fhort time, all the works of the pretended de- 
ceafed were bought up at very high prices ! 

Lapfus Linguce. 

A gentleman's fervant bringing into the dining- 
room (where the company were all afTembled) a 
nice roafted tongue, tripped in the midft of the 
floor, and fpread the tongue and fauce on the 
carpet. The matter of the houfe, not the leaft 
affecled by the accident, foon removed the em- 
barraffment of his guefts, as well as of the fer- 
vant, by faying, with much good humour, 
" There's no harm done, gentlemen, it is merely 
a lapfus linguce." This fortunate jeu de mot ex- 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 35 

cited much merriment. A very fagacious gentle- 
man, ftruck with the happy efFecl: of the above 
accident, was determined to make a fimilar ex- 
hibition. He invited a large party, and when 
they were all affembled, he had directed his fer- 
vant to let fall a piece of roajt beef on the floor. 
The fervant obeyed his injunctions ; the company 
felt hurt at the accident. "Be not uneafy, my 
friends," cried the witty landlord, " 'tis only a 
lapfus lingua!'' 



Concifenefs . 

Louis XIV., who loved a concife fryle, met 
on the road, as he was travelling into the coun- 
try, a prieft, who was riding poft, and ordering 
him to flop, afked haftily, " Whence come 
you ? Where are you going ? What do you 
want ? " The other, who perfectly well knew 
the King's difpofition, inftantly replied, " From 
Bruges. To Paris. A benefice." " You (hall 
have it," replied the King, and in a few days 
prefented him to a valuable living. 

AbyJJinian Bruce. 

In a large company at dinner, Mr. Bruce was, 
according to his cuftom, talking away. Some- 
one afked him whatmufical inftruments are ufed 



36 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

in Abyffinia. Bruce hefitated, not being pre- 
pared for the queftion, and at laft faid, " I think 
I faw one lyre there." George Selwyn whifpered 
his next man, " Yes, and there is one lefs fince 
he left the country." 



Count Stackleberg — Baroji Thugut. 

Of all the minifters employed by Catherine II. 
Count Stackleberg had the mod wit and the moft 
pride, and this he difplayed particularly in Poland. 
M. Von Thugut being fent to that country by 
the Emperor Leopold, when he was to have his 
audience of Poniatowfki, was introduced into a 
faloon, where feeing a man gravely feated, and 
furrounded by Polifh lords refpe&fully ftanding 
before him, he took him for the King, and began 
his complimentary fpeech. It was Stackleberg, 
who was in no hurry to fet him right. Thugut, 
informed of his miftake, was vexed and afhamed. 
In the evening, being at cards with Stackleberg 
and the King, he played a card, faying, " The 
king of clubs." " You are wrong," faid the King, 
" it is the knave." The Auftrian ambaiTador, 
pretending to have been mifraken, anfwered, 
flapping his forehead, " Ah, fire, pardon me ; this 
is the fecond time to-day I have taken a knave for a 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 37 



Captain Grofe 

Had illuftrated the antiquities of England and 
Wales in four volumes, quarto, and of Scotland 
in two volumes. He was executing a work of 
the fame kind relative to Ireland, when he died 
at Dublin, in May, 179 1. He alfo published 
"A Provincial GlofTary, with a Collection of 
Local Proverbs," &c, and a very eccentric per- 
formance, entitled, " A Claffical Hiftory of the 
Vulgar Tongue." He was a man of much 
humour, and remarkably familiar with his do- 
meftics. Though a military officer, his figure 
was fo remarkably thick and fhort, that he was 
fuppofed by many a kind of burlefque on the 
military character. He delighted much in punning 
upon his own figure, of which the following 
anecdote is an inftance, as it is alfo a proof of 
his familiarity and good nature. In a culinary 
tete-a-tete with his houfekeeper, fhe thus expoftu- 
lated with him : " Sir, as you are inclinable to be 
fat, you fhould not eat food of a nourifhing kind, 

you fhould " " You jade (replied he), / am 

not inclinable to be fat ; that I am fat is wholly 
againft my inclination ; I confideritas a misfor- 
tune to be fat. For the future, therefore, remem- 
ber that I am difinclined to be fat" 



38 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 



Sublime Compofitions. 

Soon after the appointment of Swift to the 
deanery of St. Patrick's he was informed by one 
of the Chapter that the beadle of his cathedral 
was a poet. The Dean fent for this man, and 
afked him fome queftions refpecling his poetical 
talents, which the other modeftly disclaimed, fay- 
ing that he wrote only for his bell. The next 
day being the 5th of November, the Dean infilled 
upon it that he mould immediately compofe fome 
verfes fuited to the occafion, which the beadle 
accordingly did as follows : — 

" To-night's the day, I fpeak it with great forrow, 
That we were all to have been blown up to-morrow ; 
Therefore, take care of fires and candle-light, 
'Tis a cold frofty morning, and lb good-night. 1 ' 



Manufacturing Celerity. 

Some years ago a gentleman made a bet that he 
would have a coat made in thecourfe ofafingleday, 
from the firft procefs of {hearing the fheep, till its 
completion by the tailor. The wager was decided 
in Newbury, on the 25th of June, 1811, by Mr. 
John Coxeter, of Greenham Mills, near that 
town. At five o'clock that morning. Sir John 
Throckmorton, Bart., prefented two Southdown 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 39 

wedder fheep to Mr. Coxeter. Accordingly 
the fheep were fhorn, the wool fpun, the yarn 
fpooled, warped, loomed, and wove ; the cloth 
burred, milled, rowed, dyed, dried, fheared, and 
prerTed,and put into the hands of the tailors by four 
o'clock that afternoon ; and at twenty minutes 
paft fix the coat, entirely finifhed, was prefented 
by Mr. Coxeter to Sir John Throckmorton, who 
appeared with it before an afTemblage of upwards 
of 5,000 fpe&ators, who rent the air with their 
acclamations. 



Seeing not Believing. 

The Abbe Regnier, Secretary of the French 
Academy, was collecting in his hat from each 
member a contribution for a certain purpofe. 
The Prefident, Rofes, one of the forty, was a 
great mifer, but had paid his quota ; which the 
Abbe not perceiving, he prefented the hat a 
fecond time. Rofes, as was to be expected, faid 
he had already paid. " / believe it" anfwered 
Regnier, " although I did not fee it." " And /," 
added Fontenelle, who was befide him, " faw it ; 
but I do not believe it." 



40 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Alexander Pope, Efq. 

Mr. Pope's aunt taught him to read when he 
was a child, and he learnt to write from copying 
only. 

The fubfcriptions for his Iliad amounted to 
^6,000, befides ^"1,200 from Lintot for the 
copy. 

Mr. Pope did not, in his laft hours, choofe to 
be attended by the Catholic prieft recommended 
by Mr. Hooke 1 to come to him, till he knew 
Lord Bolingbroke had quitted his houfe. 

Mr. Pope died as he was receiving extreme 
undtion. It is probable, from his not having 
fumciently attended' to his religious faith and 
principles, that he was almoft in the Irate of that 
French nobleman, mentioned in a French mifcel- 
lany called Ana, who at the requifition of his 
wife fent for a prieft ; and when the prieft afked 
him whether he believed fuch and fuch particular 
article, he turned to his wife, and faid, " My dear^ 
fhould I believe that ?" 2 

1 Author of the "Roman Hiftory." 

2 Mr. Pope, in one of his letters to Atterbury, the 
Bifhop of Gloucefter, talking of his reading books of con- 
troverfy on religious fubjecls, says : " At the age of feven- 
teen I worried my head with them, and the confequence 
was, that I found myfelf a Proteftant and Papift by turns, 
according to the laft book I read." On this admirable 



THE BANQUET OF W IT. 41 



Curious Anecdote. 

In the year 1809 was interred, in the burial- 
ground of St. Martin-in-the-Fields, the body of 
Hew Hewfon, who died at the advanced age of 
eighty-five. He was a man of no mean celebrity, 
though no funeral efcutcheons adorned his hearfe, 
or heir-expectant graced his obfequies. He was 
no lefs a perfonage than the identical Hugh Strap, 
whom Dr. Smollett has rendered fo confpicuoufly 
interefting in his " Life and Adventures of Rode- 
rick Random," and for upwards of forty years 
had kept a hairdrefler's mop in the above parifh. 
The deceafed was a very intelligent man, and 
took delight in recounting the adventures of his 
early life. He fpoke with pleafure of the time 
he paffed in fervice of the do£tor, and it was his 
pride, as well as his boaft, to fay he had been 
educated at the fame feminary with fo learned 
and diftinguimed a character. His fhop was 
hung round with Latin quotations, and he would 
frequently point out to his cuftomers and acquain- 
tances the feveral fcenes in " Roderick Random" 
pertaining to himfelf, which had their founda- 
tion, not in the doctor's inventive fancy, but in 
truth and reality. The meeting in a barber's 

pi£hire of religious controverfy Bifhop Warburton has 
fome excellent remarks. 



42 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

(hop at Newcaftle-upon-Tyne, the fubfequent 
miftake at the inn, their arrival together in 
London, and the amftance they experienced from 
Strap's friend, were all of that defcription. He 
left behind him an interlined copy of " Roderick 
Random," pointing out thefe fa£ts, mowing how 
far they were indebted to the genius of the doctor, 
and to what extent they were bottomed in reality. 
He could never fucceed in gaining more than a 
refpectable fubiiftence by his trade, but he pof- 
fefled an independence of mind fuperior to his 
humble condition. Of late years he was em- 
ployed as keeper of the promenade in Villiers 
Park, Adelphi, and was much noticed and re- 
fpec~ted by the inhabitants who frequented that 
place. 

Meaning of Genius, 

One afked another what the word genius meant. 
The other faid, tc If you had it in you, you would 
not afk the queftion ; but as you have not, you 
will never know what it means." 

A Mifer Puniflied. 

A mifer having loft a hundred pounds, pro- 
mifed ten pounds reward to any one who fhould 
bring it him. An honeft poor man, who found 
it, brought it to the old gentleman, demanding 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 43 

the ten pounds. But the mifer, to baffle him, 
alleged there were a hundred and ten pounds in 
the bag when loft. The poor man, however, 
was advifed to fue for the money, and when the 
cafe came on to be tried, it appearing that the 
feal had not been broken, nor the bag ripped, the 
judge faid to the defendant's counfel, " The bag 
you loft had a hundred and ten pounds in it, 
you fay?" " Yes, my lord," fays he. "Then," 
replied the judge, " according to the evidence 
given in court, this cannot be your money, for 
here there was only a hundred pounds ; there- 
fore, the plaintiff muft keep it till the true owner 
appears." 

Difplay of Learning. 

A young fquire, juft come from his flrft term 
at the univerfity, was willing to give his parents 
a fpecimen of his improvement. " Father," 
fays he, " I can chop logic." " Ay," fays his 
father, " how is that, Tom ? " " Why," fays 
Tom, " here, d'ye fee, father, are a couple of 
fowls at table : I can prove there are three 
fowls." " How's that?" quoth the father. 
"Why, there's one," faid Tom, "and there's 
two," pointing to the dim, " and one and two 
make three, father." u Well done," fays the 
father turning to his wife, " Tom's a conjuror : 



44 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

you take one fowl, and I'll eat the other, and 
let Tom have the third for his logic." 



Mercantile Adventure \ 

Mr. Richard Atkinfon was one of the many 
inftances of good fenfe and perfevering induftry, 
well directed in a mercantile country like Eng- 
land. When he firft came from the north, he 
was a mere adventurer, without either fortune 
or even friends that could ferve him, and with 
no other acquifitions of education but common 
penmanfhipand arithmetic. Thus circumftanced 
he came to London, and paffing through different 
counting-houfes as clerk, he at length com- 
menced fpeculations, which foon produced that 
prodigious wealth of which he died pofleffed. 

Although this was the gentleman whom Lord 
North, in allufion to a contra£f. for rum which 
he had with the Government, called a rogue in 
fpirlt^ yet he was generous, and even magnificent 
in his bounty. He once in the gaiety of conver- 
fation offered to Lady A. Lindfay to employ a 
thoufand pounds of her fortune with his own 
capital in trade, and to give her the due portion 
of profits. The offer was, of courfe, accepted -, 
and in three years her ladyfhip received her ori- 
ginal thoufand pounds, with the fplendid addition 
of nine thoufand more. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 45 

Gouty Shoes. 

A fellow ftole Lord Chatham's large gouty 
fhoes : his fervant, not finding them, began to 
curfe the thief. " Never mind," faid his lord- 
fhip, " all the harm I wifh the rogue is, that the 
fhoes may fit him." 

Faith. 

King James II. 

Some time previous to the landing of the 
Prince of Orange, it was generally reported that 
the whole armament was loft. James received 
the news at dinner, and, with an appearance of 
great devotion remarked, " It is not to be won- 
dered at, for the Hoji has been expofed thefe fever al 
days." 

'Religious Scruples appeafed. 

Marshal de Vitry. 

The Marfhal having taken pofTemon of the 
government of Franche Comte, the Jews came to 
pay him their falutations. He would not at firft 
receive them. " / cannot" faid he, "fee them 
without horror; they have betrayed my Afajler." 
He was informed they had brought him a pre- 



46 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

fentof 400pifto!es. " Alas /" faid he, u poor men, 
when they betrayed my Majler they did not know 
him," 



Rig/it Hon. John Hely Hutchinfon. 

This celebrated ftatefman and lawyer had 
accumulated a great number of very lucrative 
places, and fo great was his avidity that Lord 
North humoroufly faid, " If England and Ireland 
were given to this man, he would folicit the IJle of 
Man for a potato garden?' 

T'he Britifh Seaman JiilL 

King James II. 

When D'Avaux, the French Ambaflador, 
haftened to inform James, then in Ireland, of 
fome advantage obtained by the French fleet, 
James, with a generous peevilhnefs, anfwered, 
"C'eft bien la premiere fois done." " It is the 
firfr. time then." 



Good and Bad News. 

Two friends who had not feen each other a 
great while, meeting by chance, one afked the 
other how he did ? He replied that he was 



THE BANQUET OF IV IT. 47 

not very well, and was married fince they had 
laft met. u That is good news, indeed." u Nay, 
not fo very good neither, for I have married a 
fhrew." " That is bad, too." " Not fo bad 
neither, for I had two thoufand pounds with 
her." " That is well again." " Not fo well 
neither, for I laid it out in (heep, and they all 
died of the rot." " That was hard, in truth." 
" Not fo hard neither, for I fold the fkins for 
more than the fheep coft me." " Ay, that 
made you amends." " Not fo much amends 
neither, for I laid out my money in a houfe, 
and it was burned." " That was a great lofs, 
indeed." "Not fo great a lofs neither, for my 
wife was burned in it ! " 



Early Ri/ing. 

A father chiding his fon for not leaving his bed 
at an earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, 
that a certain man, being up betimes, found a 
purfe of gold. cc It might be fo," replied the 
fon ; " but he that loft it was up before him." 



Bacon. 

A malefactor under fentence of death peti- 
tioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve, 



48 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

pretending to be a relation. His lordfhip faid he 
could not poflibly be Bacon till he had hrft been 
hung. 

A Good Retort. 

On Sterne's entering a coffee-room at York, 
a Mr. A., flaring him full in the face, faid he 
hated a parfon ; upon which Sterne faid, " And 
fo, fir, does my dog, for as foon as I put on my 
gown and caffock, he falls a-barking." " Indeed," 
replies A., "how long has he done fo ? " "Ever 
fince he was a puppy, fir," anfwered Sterne. 



Cat hi a Bag. 

A man carried a bag about at Scarborough, in 
which he faid he had a cherry-coloured cat. 
The gentry flocked round him to fee this great 
curiofity. When the man let the cat out of the 
bag, it proved a black one. He defired they 
would not wonder, as there were black cherries 
as well as red ones. 



The Mi/Jifig S fluff Box. 

Marfhal Wade had a great paffion for gaming, 
and frequented places without being very nice as 
to the company he met. At one of thefe places, 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 49 

one night, in the eagernefs of his diverfion, he 
pulled out an exceedingly valuable gold fnuff- 
box, richly fet with diamonds, took a pinch, and 
patted it round, keeping the dice-box four or 
five mains before he threw out, then recollect- 
ing fomething of the fnuff-box, he fwore vehe- 
mently no man mould ftir till it was produced, 
and that a general fearch mould be made. On 
his right fat a perfon dreffed as an officer, though 
fhabby, who now and then, with great humility, 
begged the honour of going a milling with him, 
and had by that means picked up four or five. 
On him the fufpicion fell, and it was propofed to 
fearch him firft. The gentleman, however, de- 
firing to be heard, declared, " I know the Mar- 
fhal, yet neither he nor all the pov/ers upon earth 
fhall fubjecr. me to a fearch while I have life to 
oppofe it. I declare, on the honour of a foldier, I 
know nothing of the fnuff-box, and 1 hope that will 
be fufficient; let the man who doubts follow me 
into the next room, where I will defend that 
honour or perifh." The eyes of all were now 
turned upon the Marfhal for an anfwer, when 
clapping his hand eagerly down for his fword, 
he felt the fnuff-box in a fecret fide-pocket of 
his breeches, into which he had inadvertently 
put it, after it had paffed round. Remorfe, mixed 
with compaffion and tendernefs for the wounded 
character (becaufe poor) of his fellow-foldier at- 

E 



50 THE BANQUET OF WIT, 

tacked him at once fo forcibly that he could only 
fay to him, as he left the room immediately, 
"Sir, I here, with great reafon,afk your pardon, 
and hope to find it granted, by your breakfafting 
with me to-morrow, and hereafter ranking me 
amongft your friends." It maybe eafily fuppofed 
that the invitation was complied with. After 
fome converfation, the Marfhal requefted him to 
fay what could be the true reafon of his refufing to 
be fearched ? "Why, Marfhal," returned the 
ofHcer, "being upon half-pay and friendlefs, I am 
obliged to hufband every penny. I had that day 
very little appetite, and as I could not eat what I 
had paid for, nor afford to lofe it, the leg and 
wing of a fowl, with a manchet, was then wrapped 
up in a piece of paper in my pocket, the thought 
of which being found there appeared ten times 
more terrible than fighting the room round." 
" Enough, my dear fir," faid the Marfhal, " you 
have faid enough. Your name ? Let us dine at 
Sweet's to-morrow; we muff prevent your being 
fubjedt again to fuch a dilemma." They met 
next day. The Marfhal prefented him with a 
captain's commiffion, and a purfe of guineas, to 
enable him to join his regiment. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT 51 

Gujiavus Adolphus. 

In lefs than a year he overran the greateft part 
of Germany, and furmounted every obftacle op- 
pofed to his arms. When he was befieging In- 
goldftadt, his horfe was killed under him by a 
cannon ball. To an officer who ran to remount 
him, he coolly faid, " I have had a narrow efcape ; 
but perhaps the pear is not yet ripe." 

An Ambajfador and Louis XIV. 

A noble lord took leave of Louis XIV., juft 
before he went as ambaffador to a foreign court. 
" The moft material injunction I lay upon you," 
faid the King, " is that you purfue a line of con- 
duct directly oppofite that of your predeceflbr." 
" Sire," replied the noble lord, "you may depend 
upon my acting in fuch a manner as to make it 
perfectly unneceflary to give the fame inflec- 
tions to my fucceiTor." 

Augujius. 

He was told of an extravagant Roman knight 
who had wafted all his property. When his 
goods were fold by auction, Auguflus commif- 
fioned a perfon to bid for his pillow. Being 
afked why he wifhed to have this article of fur- 
niture in particular, he replied, " Such a pillow 



52 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

muft be very defirable upon which a man To deep 
in debt could fleep fo foundly." 



Macklin and Dr. John/on. 

Difputing on a literary fubjecl:, Johnfon quoted 
Greek. " I do not underftand Greek," faid 
Macklin. "A man who argues mould underftand 
every language," replied Johnfon. " Very well," 
faid Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the 
Irifh. 

Alexander the Great. 

Alexander the Great, paffing through Corinth, 
had the curiofity to go to fee the philofopher 
Diogenes, who was there at that time. He found 
him feated in a covered tub, with the open end to- 
wards the fun. " I am the great King Alexander," 
faid he to the philofopher. " And I am the dog 
Diogenes," replied the philofopher. " I am a good 
man," faid Alexander. " Well, who has any 
reafon to fear the good ? " replied Diogenes. 
Alexander admired the fubtilty of his mind, and 
the free manner in which he fpoke. After having 
had fome converfation with him, " I fee, 
Diogenes, that you are in want of many things j 
I (hall be very glad to give you my affiftance. 
Aft of me whatever you pleafe." "Get, then, 
from between me and the fun," faid he, "and do 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 53 

not take from me that which you cannot give." 
Alexander was aitonifhed, having never before 
met with any man who was above all human con- 
cerns. "Who is the richer man," continued 
Diogenes, " he who is contented with his cloak 
and his wallet, or he who, having an extenfive 
kingdom, is not fatisfied, and who every day ex- 
pofes himfelf to a thoufand dangers to extend its 
limits ? " Alexander's courtiers were very angry 
that fo great a king mould fo long honour with 
his converfation fuch a furly wretch as Diogenes, 
who did not even rife from his feat while he fpoke 
to him. The King perceived their anger, and, 
turning about, faid to them, " If I were not 
Alexander, I would wifh to be Diogenes." 

Little Money. 

Mr. Money, a little dapper man, was dancing 
at the York with a tall lady of the name of Bond ; 
on which Sterne faid, "There was a great bond 
for a little money." 

Saying of Lord Bacon. 

James I., King of England, afking the Lord 
Keeper Bacon what he thought of the French 
ambaffador, he anfwered that he was a tall, 
proper man. u Ay," replied the King, " what 



54 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

think you of his headpiece ? Is he a proper man 
for an ambafiador ? " "Sir," faid Bacon, "tall 
men are like high houfes, wherein commonly 
the uppermoft rooms are worft furnimed." 

Hanging in Chains. 

Two Irifh labourers being at the execution of 
the malefactors on the new fcaffold before New- 
gate, one fays to the other, " Arrah, Pat, now ! 
but is there any difference between being hanged 
here and being hanged in chains ? " " No, honey ! " 
replied he, c< no great difference ; only one hangs 
about an hour, and the other hangs all the days 
of his life." 

Lord Chejierfield. 

Lord Chefterfield fent the following lines to 
Lady , indifpofed with a cold : — 

" The dews of night moft carefully fhun, 
Thofe tears of the fky for the lofs of the fun." 

Soldiers' Wives, 

The Duchefs of York having defired her 
houfekeeper to feek out for a new laundrefs, 
a decent-looking woman was recommended to 
the fituation. u But," faid the houfekeeper, " I 
am afraid fhe will not fuit your royal highnefs, 



THE BANQUET OF TV IT. 55 

as fhe is a foldier's wife, and thefe people are 
generally loofe characters ! " " What is it you 
fay," faid the Duke, who had juft entered the 
room, " a foldier s wife! Pray, madam, what is 
your mijhefs ? I defire that the woman may be 
immediately engaged." 



A Hog the only Gentleman. 

Dr. Franklin, when laft in England, ufed plea- 
fantly to repeat an obfervation of his negro fer- 
vant when the doctor was making the tour of 
Derbyfhire, Lancafhire, &c. " Every ting, 
Mafia, work in dis country : water work ; wind 
work ; fire work ; fmoke work ; dog work (he had 
beforenoticedthelaftat Bath); manwork; bullock 
work ; horfe work ; afs work ; every ting work 
here but de hog : he eat, he drink, he fleep, he do 
nothing all day, he walk about like gentleman ! " 

Punctuality, 

His late Majefty George III. once ordered 
Mr. S., a tradefman of fome eminence in London, 
to wait upon him at Windfor Caftle at eight 
o'clock in the morning of a day appointed. Mr. 
S. was half an hour behind the time, and upon 
being announced, his Majefty faid, " Defire him 
to come at eight o'clock to-morrow morning." 



56 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Mr. S. appeared the next day after the time, and 
received the fame command. On the third 
morning he contrived to be punctual. Upon his 
entrance the King faid, " Oh ! the great Mr. S. ! 
What fleep do you take, Mr. S. ? " "Why, 
pleafe your Majefty, lam a man of regular habits ; 
I ufually take eight hours." " Eight hours ? " 
faid the King, " that's too much ; fix hours fleep 
is enough for a man, (even for a woman, and 
eight for a fool, Mr. S., eight for a fool." 



Pun Trap. 

A wit once kept a nutmeg-grater on his table, 
in order to fay when a great man was mentioned, 
" There's a greater." 



Admiral Duncan. 

The addrefs of this admiral to the officers who 
came on board his fhip for inftruclions, previous 
to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was 
both laconic and humorous : " Gentlemen, you 
fez winter approaching ; I have only to advife you 
to keep up a good fire?' 



THE BANQUET OF WIT 57 

Thirlwall and E*rjkine. 

When Mr. Thirlwall was on his trial at the 
Old Bailey for high treafon, during the evidence 
for the profecution he wrote the following note 
to his counfel : — " Mr. Erfldne, I am determined 
to plead my caufe myfelf." Mr. Erfldne wrote 
under it, "If you do, you'll be hanged." To 
which Mr. Thirlwall immediately replied, "Then 
I'll be hanged if I do." 

NeceJJity. 

A dull barrifter got the nickname of Neceility, 
becaufe " Neceflity has no law." 

Whimjical Notice, 

A grocer in Dublin announces in the papers of 
that city that he has whifky on fale which was 
drunk by his late Majejly when he was in Ireland" 



The following curious handbill was Jluck up 
in fever al parts of the City of Dublin: — 

"This is to certify that I, Daniel O' Flana- 
gan, am not the perfon that was tarred and 
feathered by the Liberty Mob on Tuefday laft, 
and that I am ready to give twenty guineas to 



58 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

any one that will bet me fifty that I am the other 
man who goes by my name. Witnefs my hand, 
this 30th July. 

"Daniel O'Flanagan." 



Sun verfus Moon. 

A lady obfervingin company how glorious and 
ufeful a body the fun was, " Why, yes, madam," 
faid an Irifh gentleman prefent, " the fun is a 
very fine body, to befure ; but in my opinion the 
moon is much more ufeful, for the moon affords 
us light in the night-time, when we really want 
it, whereas we have the fun with us in the day- 
time, when we have no occafion for it." 

Bull in a Bill. 

A tradefman in Stafford tendered an account in 
which was the following curious item ; and con- 
fidering the job, his charge was certainly mode- 
rate : " To hanging bells, and myfelf, feven hours, 
$s. 6i." 

The Captive's Friend. 

During one of the wars in India Major Gow- 
die became Tippoo's prifoner, and was confined 
with many other gentlemen in Bangalore, where 
they fuffered every fpecies of infult, hardfhip, 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 59 

and barbarity. A humane and beneficent butcher, 
whofe bufinefs Jed him often to the prifon, faw 
and felt for their fuffering, for they had been 
ftripped of their clothes and robbed of their 
money before they were confined. It would 
have coft the butcher his ears at leaft, and 
perhaps his life, had he difcovered any fymptoms 
of pity for the prifoners before his countrymen. 
They were allowed only one feer of rice, and a 
pice, or halfpenny per day, for their fubfiftence ; 
but the butcher contrived to relieve their neceffi- 
ties. Upon opening the fheep's heads which they 
frequently bought of him for food, they were 
aftonifhed to find pagodas in them. In paffing 
the yard of their prifon, he often gave them abu- 
five language, and threw balls of clay or dirt at 
them, as if to teftify his hatred or contempt ; but 
on breaking the bails, they always found that they 
contained a fupply of money for their relief j and 
this he did frequently for a long time until the 
prifoners were releafed. 

In the following war Major Gowdie was def- 
tined to attack Bangalore, and he had not long 
entered the breach when he faw and recolle&ed 
his friend the butcher. He ran with eagernefs 
to embrace him, faved him from the carnage, and 
led him to a place of fafety. The tranfport of 
the two generous fouls at their meeting gave the 
mod pleafing fenfations to all who beheld them, 



60 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

it foftened the rage of the foldiers, and made the 
thirft of blood give way to the foft emotions of 
humanity. 

Out-lawed I ! ! 

When Serjeant Maynard, then ninety years of 
age, came at the head of the lawyers to congra- 
tulate the Prince of Orange, the prince having 
paid him this compliment on the vigour of his 
age, a That he had outlived all the men of the 
law of his time," Maynard anfwered, " Had 
not your Highnefs come over, I mould have out- 
lived the law itfelf." 



Sam. Foote, Efq. 

The following anecdote may be relied on. 
When Foote had a houfe at Hampftead, he in- 
vited a number of friends in London to dine 
with him, twenty of whom obeyed the invitation 
and fared fumptuoufly. The repaft being over, 
Dr. Hefferman, who was one of the company, 
drew from his pocket propofals for a new edition 
of Horace ; the conditions ftating that the price 
would be two guineas, half to be paid at the time 
of fubfcribing, and the other half on the delivery 
of the book. Our Ariftophanes threw down 
his guinea without delay, declaring himfelf a 
fubfcriber, and every perfon prefent inftantly 



THE BANQUET OF IV IT. 61 

followed his example. But after Hefferman 
had pocketed the twenty guineas, our hoft de- 
livered the following remonftrance, addrefling 
himfelf to the now affluent phyfician : " Heffer- 
man, this is about the thirty-fifth time that I 
have fubfcribed to your Horace, but for Heaven's 
fake never think of printing it ; it is hardfhip 
enough to be obliged to throw away a guinea ; 
but the further punifhment of reading your vile 
nonfenfe would be intolerable." The doctor 
fmiled, and implicitly followed his advice, for 
not a line of his Horace ever appeared. How- 
ever generous Foote might be on this occafion, 
it may, perhaps, be deemed a breach of hofpita- 
lity to levy a tax on his guefts, at his own table, 
even though he had fubfcribed thirty-five times 
himfelf. It feems clearly to have been a concerted 
plan between the two dramatic authors. 

Appropriate Recommendation. 

The following appeared in a bookfeller's cata- 
logue : a Memoirs of Charles the Firft, with a 

head capitally executed" 

Scarce Articles in a Republic. 

George I. of England, having frequently ex- 
perienced the rapacity of the Dutch at Hel- 
voetfluys, was in one of his journeys determined 



62 THE BANQUET OF IVIT. 

to avoid it by not flopping there. It was a fine 
fummer's day, and while the fervants were 
changing the horfes, and flowing his baggage in 
the coach, he flopped at the door of the prin- 
cipal inn, and afked for three frefh eggs ; which 
having eaten, he inquired what he had to pay 
for them. "Two hundred florins," was the 
reply. "How, 5 ' cried the aftonifhed monarch, 
" why fo ? Eggs are not fcarce at Helvoetfluys." 
" No," replied the landlord, "but kings are." 



Confejjion. 

Some time after a late nobleman had abjured 
the Roman Catholic religion, he was fent ambaf- 
fador to France, where he refided feveral years. 
Being one day at an entertainment, a noble duke, 
his near relation, rallying him on the fcore of 
religion, afked his lordfnip whether the miniflers 
of flate, or the miniflers of the gofpel, had the 
greateft fhare of his converfion. " Good gra- 
cious, my lord duke ! " replied the witty peer, 
" how can you afk me fuch a queflion ? Do you 
not know, that when I quitted the Roman 
Catholic religion, I left off confeflion ? " 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 63 
Anecdote of George II. 

When Lord Chefterfield was in adminiftration, 
he propofed a perfon to his late Majefty, as proper 
to fill a place of great truft, but which the King 
himfelf was determined fhould be filled by an- 
other. The council, however, refolved not to 
indulge the King, for fear of a dangerous prece- 
dent. It was Lord Chefterfield's bufmefs to 
prefent the grant of the office for the King's fig- 
nature. Not to incenfe his Majefty by afking 
him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, 
begged to know with whofe name his Majefty 
would be pleafed to have the blanks filled up ? 
u With the devil's!" replied the King, in a 
paroxyfm of rage. " And fhall the inftrument," 
faid the Earl, coolly, " run as ufual, ' Our trufty 
well-beloved coufin and counfellor ? ' " A repartee 
at which the King laughed heartily, and with 
great good humour figned the grant. 

How to offer a 'Reward. 

An Irifh officer loft a pair of filk ftockings, 
and fent a bellman about to offer a reward for 
them, which was fo fmail, that a friend obferved 
he could not expe£t to recover them. " Ah ! 
by jabers," fays Paddy, "I advertifed them as 
worfted ones." 



64 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Kicking the Bucket. 

Two gentlemen were walking in the High 
Street, Southampton, laft week, about that hour 
which the induftrious damfels of the mop and 
brum ufually devote to cleanfing the pavement 
before the door. It happened that the bucket 
ufed upon fuch occafions was upon the {tones, 
and one of the gentlemen ftumbled againft it. 
" My dear friend," exclaimed the other, " I 
lament your death exceedingly!" u My death ?" 
" Yes, you have juft kicked the bucket." " Not 
fo," rejoined his friend, " I have only turned a 
little pale" (pail). 

A Good One. 

An Irifhman was once brought before the 
magiftrate charged with marrying fix wives. 
The magiftrate afked him how he could be fo 
hardened a villain. " Pleafe your worfhip," faid 
Pat, " / was trying to get a good one." 

Pun Commercial. 

A tradefman's letter to his debtor. 

" Sir, 

" If you will favour me with the amount 
of your bill, you will oblige me, if not I won't oblige 
you.'''' 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 65 

Match-making. 

In a fmall party the fubje£t turning on matri- 
mony, a lady faid to her fitter, " I wonder, my 
dear, you have never made a match ; I think you 
want the brimftone." " No," fhe replied, " not 
the brimjione, only the /park." 

Superficial Knowledge. 

A young man in a large company defcanting 
very flippantly on a fubje£t, the Duchefs of 
Devonfhire afked his name. " 'Tis Scarlet" 
replied the gentleman who flood by. <c That 
may be," faid her Grace, " and yet he is not deep 
read.^ 

A Lejprn. 

A friend of Dean Swift one day fent him a 
turbot as a prefent, by a fervant who had fre- 
quently been on fimilar errands, but had never 
yet received the moft trifling mark of the Dean's 
generofity. Having gained admiilion, he opened 
the door of the ftudy, and abruptly putting down 
the fifli, cried, very rudely, " Mafter has fent you 
a turbot." "Heyday! young man," faid the 
Dean, rifing from his eafy chair, " is that the way 
you deliver your meflage ? Let me teach you 
F 



66 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

better manners : fit down in my chair ; we will 
change fituations, and I will mow you how to 
behave in future." The boy fat down, and the 
Dean, going to the door, came up to the table with 
a refpeclful face, and, making a low bow, faid, 
" Sir, my mafter prefents his kind compliments, 
hopes your Reverence is well, and begs your ac- 
ceptance of a turbot." a Does he?" replied the 
boy. " Here, John (ringing), take this honeft lad 
down to the kitchen, and give him as much as 
he can eat and drink ; then fend him up to me, 
and I will give him half-a-crown." 



P leaf ant travelling. 

A man who was following his wife's hearfe, 
and was fomewhat corpulent, called out to the 
coachman, " Drive a little flower, John ; you 
need not be in fuch a hurry. Why mould we 
make toil of a pleafure ? " 

A Partner/hip CG?tcern. 

Some years ago a young gentleman named 
Broderip was Captain of the Montem at Eton 
College ; and the newfpapers of the day in- 
formed their readers that it was they^^ of Mejfrs. 
Longman and Broderip^ the mufical inftrument 
makers. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 67 

Proxies. 

A French constitutional prieft who had ufually 
a very fmall audience, was one day preaching at 
the church in his village, when, the doors being 
open, a gander and feveral geefe came {talking 
up the middle aide. The preacher, availing him- 
felf of the circumftance, obferved, that he could 
no longer find fault with his diftricl: for non- 
attendance, becaufe, though they did not come 
themfelves, they fent their reprefentatlves. 



Lofs much felt. 

Bannifter paffing by a houfe that had been al- 
most confumed by fire, inquired whofe it was ? 
Being told itwas a hatter's, " Oh, then," rejoined 
he, "the lofs will be much felt?' 

A Bon Mot. 

A gentleman of the name of Pepper having 
informed a noble amateur in the fports of the 
field, that he had a very hot and lively horfe, 
which had flung him in the courfe of a chafe on 
the preceding day, a converfation enfued on the 
qualities of the animal. In reply to a question 
as to the name of the horfe, the gentleman ftated 



68 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

that he had not yet given it any name, and was 
at a lofs to fele£t one for him. " A name, a 
name," faid Lord N., "why, fir, you fhould call 
him Pepper-cafter." 



Humour. 

A fellow was lately apprehended in Suffolk on 
a charge of ftealing a pig. "What are you?" 
faid the magiftrate. " Pleafe your worfhip, a 

pig fancier." 



An Irijli Bull 
An Englifh gentleman talking with his Irifh 
fervant, faid, " It is a long time fince you heard 
from your mother, mayhap fhe is dead." " Devil 
the bit, your honour," anfwered he ; " fure if fhe 
was dead, fhe would have written to let me know." 

Water not wanted to ?nake Tea. 

At Gibraltar there was a great fcarcity of 
water, and a general complaint of the want of it. 
An Irifh officer faid, " He was very eafy about 
the matter, for he had nothing to do with water ; 
if he only got his tea in the morning, and punch 
at night, it was all he wanted." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 69 

Sir Richard Steel. 

Sir Richard Steel having one day invited to 
his houfe a great number of perfons of the firft 
quality, they were furprifed at the number of 
liveries which furrounded the table ; and, after 
dinner, when wine and mirth had fet them free 
from the obfervation of rigid ceremony, one of 
them inquired of Sir Richard how fuch an expen- 
five train of domeftics could be confident with 
his fortune. Sir Richard very frankly confeiied 
that they were fellows of whom he would very 
willingly be rid ; and being then afked why he 
did not difcharge them, declared that a they 
were bailiffs, who had introduced themfelves 
with an execution ; and whom, fince he could 
not fend them away, he thought it convenient to 
embellifh with liveries, that they might do him 
credit while they flayed." His friends were 
diverted with the expedient, and by paying the 
debt difcharged their attendance ; having obliged 
Sir Richard to promife that they mould never 
again find him graced with a retinue of the fame 
kind. 

Flying Colours. 

An itinerant painter flayed fo long at a country 
inn, that though willing to depart, he had not 



jo THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

money wherewithal to defray his lodging. So 
the landlord, not willing to fubfcribe to a bad 
debt, fettled it with him that he mould paint 
him a new fign ; the fubjedr. a bear, and the 
price a guinea. But the painter faid if the bear 
had a chain drawn round about his neck (and 
which he faid he would advife him to do) it would 
coft half a guinea more. The hoft was not 
agreeable to this extra expenfe. Accordingly 
the fign was painted, and the painter went his 
way ; when the rain defcended, and warned 
away the bear. Some time after the innkeeper 
met the painter on the road, and faid he had im- 
pofed upon him, for that the bear was fled. 
" Look ye here," replied the painter ; u did not 
I advife you to have the chain round about his 
neck ? which, if it had taken place, he would have 
remained there ftilL" 



Anecdote of the late Mr. Cur ran. 

Mr. Curran, the late celebrated Irifh advo- 
cate, was walking one day with a friend who 
was extremely punctilious in his converfation ; 
hearing a perfon near him fay cur^fity for cujzo- 
fity, he exclaimed, " How that man murders the 
Engliih language!" "Not fo bad," replied 
Curran, " he has only knocked an I out." 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 71 

Convenient Courage. 

A certain Earl having beaten Anthony Henley, 
at Tunbridge, for fome impertinence, the next 
day found Henley beating another perfon. The 
peer congratulated Henley on that acquifition of 
fpirit. " Oh, my lord," replied Henley, <c your 
lordfhip and I know whom to beat." 

Strange Auditor. 

" An odd circumftance," fays Wefley in his 
Journal, " occurred at Rotherham during the 
morning preaching. It was well only ferious 
people were prefent. An afs walked gravely in 
at the gate, came up to the door of the houfe, 
lifted up his head, and ftood flock flill in a pofture 
of deep attention. Might not the dumb beaft 
reprove many, who have far lefs decency, and 
not much more underftanding ? " 

Punctuality. 

Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on bufinefs till 
about eighty years of age. He was one of the 
moft celebrated characters in the kingdom for 
punctuality, and by his methodical conduct, 
joined to uniform diligence, he gradually amafled 



72 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

a large fortune. For a long feries of years the 
proprietor of every inn he frequented in Devon 
and Cornwall knew the day, and the very hour, 
he would arrive. A fhort time before he died, a 
gentleman on a journey in Cornwall flopped at 
a fmall inn at Port Ifaac to dine. The waiter pre- 
fented him with a bill of fare which he did not 
approve of; but obferving a fine duck roafting, 
" I'll have that/' faid the traveller. " You can- 
not, fir," faid the landlord, " it is for Mr. Scott 
of Exeter." " I know Mr. Scott very well," 
rejoined the gentleman ; " he is not in your 
houfe." "True, fir," faid the landlord; " but 
fix months ago, when he was here laji, he ordered a 
duck to he ready for him this day, pre rifely at two 
o'clock ;" and, to the aftonifhmentof the traveller, 
he faw the old gentleman on his Rofinante jog- 
ging into the inn yard about five minutes before 
the appointed time. 



Living in an Oven. 

A gentleman having occafion to call on Mr. 

Jofeph G n, writer, found him at home in 

his writing chamber. He remarked the great 
heat of the apartment, and faid, " It was as hot 
as an oven." " So it ought to be," replied Mr. 
G., " for 'tis here I make my bread." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT 73 



Dr. Brown. 

The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his ad- 
drefTes to a lady for many years, but unfuccefT- 
fully ; during which time he had always accuf- 
tomed himfelf to propofe her health whenever 
he was called upon for a lady. But being ob- 
ferved one evening to omit it, a gentleman re- 
minded him that he had forgotten to toaft his 
favourite lady. " Why, indeed," faid the Doctor, 
" I find it all in vain ; I have toafled her fo 
many years, and cannot make her Brown, that I 
am determined to toaft her no longer." 



A Grave Bull. 

The wife of a fexton in a country village was 
haranguing her neighbours on the hardnefs of 
the times, when a countryman came up and 
offered fome ducks for fale. "Ducks !" faid the 
wife, " how do you think my hufband can pur- 
chafe ducks, when he has not buried a living 
foul thefe laft three months ? " 

An Italian Bull. 

An Italian monk wrote a life of St. Francis 
Xavier, where he aflerted that by one fermon he 



74 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

converted ten thoufand perfons in an uninhabited 
ifland. 

Sobriety. 

The fight of a man intoxicated gives the beft 
lefTon of fobriety. 

Ariftides. 

Ariftides was furnamed the Juft, and his whole 
conduct correfponded with this glorious epithet. 

He fat as judge in a caufe when the plaintiff, 
to prejudice Ariftides in his favour, began with 
faying that the defendant always a£r.ed in oppo- 
fition to Ariftides. Ariftides interrupted him, 
and faid, "My friend, you forget yourfelf : ftate 
your cafe, for it is your caufe I am to try, and not 
my own." 

Boyle. 

Bayle pronounced one of the molt fevere 
ftri&ures on the fair fex. He was afked if wo- 
men could keep a fecret. " There is one fecret," 
faid he, " and that is the only one, they can keep 
— their age." 

Collins. 

About 1744, Collins fuddenly left Oxford, and 
came to London ; a literary adventurer, with 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 75 

many proje&s in his head, and very little money in 
his pocket. He defigned many works, but either 
had not perfeverance in himfelf, or the frequent 
calls of immediate neceffity broke his fchemes, 
and fufFered him to purfue no fettled purpofe. 
While thus living loofely about town, he occa- 
fionally wrote many fhort poems in the houfe of 
a friend, who witneffes that he burnt as rapidly 
as he wrote. In 1746 he offered his " Odes, 
Defcriptive and Allegorical," to Mr. Millar, who 
gave him a price for them which was handfome, 
as poetry was then eftimated ; but all the intereft 
of that great bookfeller could never introduce 
them into notice, and the fale of them is faid not 
to have been fufficient to pay the expenfes of 
printing. Yet, among thefe odes, is one of the 
moft popular now in the language, the Ode of the 
Paffions ! What the outraged feelings of the poet 
were, appeared when fome time afterwards he 
became rich enough to exprefs them. Having 
obtained fome fortune by the death of an uncle, 
he made good to the publifher the deficiency of 
the unfold Odes ; and in his haughty refentment 
of the public taiie, configned the impreffion to 
the flames. 

Much has been faid of the ftate of infanity to 
which this admirable poet was ultimately re- 
duced ; or rather, as Dr. Johnfon happily de- 
fcribes it, u a depretfion of mind, which enchains 



76 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

the faculties without deftroying them, and leaves 
reafon the knowledge of right, without the power 
of purfuing it." What Dr. Johnfon has further 
faid on this melancholy fubje£t, mows, perhaps, 
more nature and feeling than anything he ever 
wrote ; and yet it is remarkable that among the 
caufes to which the poet's malady was owing, he 
never hints at the moft exciting of the whole. 
He tells us how he " loved fairies, genii, giants, 
and monfters ; " how he " delighted to rove 
through the meanders of enchantment; to gaze 
on the magnificence of golden palaces ; to re- 
pofe by waterfalls of Elyiian gardens ; " but 
never does he feem to have imagined how natural 
it was for a mind of fuch a temperament to give 
an Eve to the Paradife of his creation. Johnfon, 
indeed, though, as he tells us, " he gained the 
confidence of Collins," was not the fort of man 
into whofe ear a lover would choofe to pour 
his fecrets. The facl: was, that Collins was 
greatly attached to a young lady, who did not re- 
turn his paflion ; and there feems little doubt, 
that to the confequent difappointment which 
preyed upon his mind, much of that abandon- 
ment of foul which marked the clofe of his life 
may be afcribed. The objecl: of his adoration 
was born the day before him; and to this cir- 
cumftance he made, in one of his gay moments, 
the following happy allufion : — 



THE BANQUET OF WFI. 77 

<l Your's is a hard cafe," faid a friend. " It 
is fo, indeed/' faid Collins, " for I came into the 
world a day after the fair :" 



Friends at Court. 

A gentleman, begging Villiers, the witty Duke 
of Buckingham, to employ his intereft for him at 
Court, added, that he had nobody to depend on 
but God and his Grace. " Then," faid the Duke, 
a your condition is defperate ; you could not 
have named any two beings who have lefs in- 
tereft at Court." 



Bad Ways. 

A phyfician travelled in Cambridgefhire, and 
found the roads fo inacceflible around a town, 
that he repaired to the re£tor of the parifh, and 
exclaimed, " Ah, fir ! you may preach long 
enough, but your parifhioners will never mend 
their ways." 

Legal Settlement. 

An old female Methodift preached about the 
country that fhe had been eleven months in 
heaven. One of the audience ftarted up, and 



78 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

faid, "it was a pity that fhe did not flay the 
other odd month, as fhe might then have gained 
a fettle ment." 



§uid pro §>uo. 

A Highlander, who fold brooms, went into a 
barber's fhop in Glafgow to be fhaved. The 
barber bought one of his brooms, and, after he 
had fhaved him, afked the price. " Two pence," 
faid the Highlander. " No, no," faid the barber, 
" I'll give you a penny ; if that does not fatisfy 
you, take your broom again, and we'll not make 
a bargain." The Highlander took it, and afked 
what he had to pay. " A penny," fays Mr. 
Razor. " No, by my faith now," fays Duncan, 
" She'll give you a halfpenny, and if that does 
not fatisfy you, put on her beard again, and we'll 
na mak a bargain." 



Conjiitutional Cold. 

" When I have a cold in my head," faid a 
gentleman in company, u I am always remark- 
ably dull and ftupid" "You are much to be 
pitied, then, fir," replied another, " for I don't 
remember ever to have feen you without a cold 
in your head." 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 79 



A New Method of Revenge, 

A poor man married an efquire's daughter. As 
the rich man would not be reconciled, or give 
him any portion, he chriftened all his children 
by the father-in-law's furname, that they might 
convey, as beggars, the family name to pofterity. 



C re billon. 

When Crebillon was compofing his tragedy of 
"Cataline," a friend called on him, and was fur- 
prifed to fee four large ravens fitting at his elbow. 
" Walk gently, my good friend," faid the poet, 
" walk gently, or you will put my confpirators to 
flight." 

In his laft illnefs, Crebillon exprefTed great re- 
gret that he fhould not live to nnifh the play 
which he had in hand, having gone through two 
A£ts of it only. The phyfician who attended him 
begged that he would bequeath him the two A6ts. 
Crebillon turned to him, and, with a fmile, 
repeated a line from one of the AcSts : 

" Say, (hall the aflaffin be the dead man's heir ? " 



8o THE BANQUET OF WIT. 
Puffing. 

The following modeft advertifement is taken 
from the " Mercurius Publicus," for November 
20, 1663 : — "Newly publifhed, the fecond part 
of Hudibras (by the incomparable author of the 
former), which, if pojjible, has outdone the firft ; 
fold, by John Merton and James Alleftry, at the 
Bell, St. Paul's Church-yard." 

It would appear from this, that in the art of 
puffing, the moderns (excepting always thofe 
marts of good tafte, the Theatres Royal) have 
fallen thoufands of leagues behind the " good 
old times." 

Gynocracy } 
King Charles I. 
King Charles I., on the return of his fer- 
geant, empty-handed, from the Commons, where 
he had been to demand the bodies of Pym, 
Mr. Hollis, Sir Arthur Hazlerig, Mr. Strode, 
and Mr. Hampden, determined to enter him- 
felf on the execution of the project. This 
was in the evening, but the morning bringing 
more timid reflections, the King went to the 
Queen's apartment, and expoftulated on the 
hazard of the attempt. The Queen was tranf- 

1 A Greek word fignifying petticoat government. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 81 

ported with paffion at this want of refolution. 
" Go, coward" exclaimed the imperious woman, 
"pull thefe rogues out by the ears, or never fee 
my face more." The fubmiffive hufband obeyed, 
and went ftraight to the Houfe of Commons with 
a train of five hundred followers. Every reader 
knows the refult. 



George Frederic Handel. 

The uninterrupted fuccefs and unrivalled glory 
with which the compontions of Handel are frill 
performed, render anecdotes of him extremely 
interefting. 

Arbuthnot, fpeaking to Pope of Handel : faid, 
" Conceive the higheft that you can of his 
abilities, and they are much beyond anything that 
you can conceive." 

Handel's father intended him for the law, and 
would not allow any inftrument belonging to the 
fcience of mufic to be taken into the houfe. The 
fon concealed a fmall clavichord in his garret, 
where he amufed himfelf when the family were 
afleep. 

When feven years of age, he went with his 
father to the Court of Saxe-WeifTenfels. Here 
he got into church one morning, and began to 
play upon the organ. The Duke, who was then 
in the church, furprifed at the playing, defired to 

G 



82 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

know who it was j and, on being informed, 
blamed the old gentleman for reftraining the 
fon's inclination. At the age of nine years 
Handel actually compofed the church fervice. 1 

During his refidence at Hamburg, one of his 
own profeffion made a pufh at him with his fword 
as he was coming out of the orcheftra : a mufic- 
book in Handel's bofom prevented the weapon 
from piercing his heart. Hence mufic flood his 
friend on the beft occafions — it obtained him 
/200 from Queen Anne, and ^200 more from 
George I., and warded off the aflailin's pufli. 



Duelling. 

There are, defpite the many inftances to the 
contrary, examples of gentlemen, who, regardlefs 
of the trammels that the fuppofed laws of honour 
formerly fixed upon fociety, have been jealous of 
their honour, and courageous enough to defend it, 
yet never ambitious for a duel : men who, with 
a giant's power, have not ufed it as a giant. One 
of thofe was Captain Foy, a gentleman who had 
been engaged in four or five duels, without ever 
having been the challenger, and who was fo ex- 

1 Genius is often elicited by accident : little Parker, 
who was really a Phenomenon, owed his celebrity to the 
calual circumftance of Mr. Billington having lodged for a 
while at his father's houfe. 



THE BJti^UET OF WIT. 83 

pert in the ufe of piftols, that he would hit a bottle 
at the diftance of twenty paces, and extinguifh 
a candle with a bullet at half the diftance. This 
gentleman, while in quarters with his regiment 
in the North of England, had one day at the 
mefs-table given offence to a young officer, who, 
conceiving his honour injured, challenged the 
captain. 

Captain Foy afked the officer if he had ever 
fought a duel, or if he was a good fhot ; and 
being anfwered in the negative, he faid, " Suppofe 
we practife a little before our meeting to-morrow 
morning ? " Then calling for his piftols, the whole 
party adjourned into the yard of the inn where 
they were quartered. A wine-bottle was placed 
at the diftance of twenty paces. Captain Foy 
took his piftol and mattered it to pieces ; then, 
turning to the young officer, he faid, " Now, fir, 
I am ready to give you farts faction. To have 
accepted your challenge after the knowledge of 
my own (kill and your inexperience, would not 
have been confiftent with that honour of which, 
I truft, I entertain as delicate a fenfe as yourfelf." 
The young officer thanked him for his franknefs, 
and obferving that he could not believe that a 
gentleman who could act thus nobly could be 
guilty of an intentional affront, declared himfelf 
perfectly fatisfled, while the conduct of Captain 
Foy endeared him to the whole circle of officers. 



84 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

George the Firjl. 

Mr. Rofenhagen, who was domeftic ftew?.rd of 
the Duchefs of Munfter, ufed to relate us a fact 
within his perfonai knowledge, th?.i when the 
Earl of Nithfdale made his efc^pe out of the 
Tower, the night before he was to be executed, 
the Deputy-Lieutenant of the Tower, as foon as 
it was known, went to St. James's to acquaint 
the King with it, and to vindicate himfelf from 
any remiunefs or treachery in his conduct. His 
Majefty was entertaining himfelf with a felect 
party of the nobility, and it was with difficulty 
the Lieutenant gained admittance ; when, with 
fome alarm and concern, he told his Majefty that 
he had fome ill news to acquaint him with. The 
King faid directly, " What ! is the city on fire, 
or is there a new insurrection ? " He faid that 
neither was the cafe, but told his Majefty of 
Nithfdale's efcape. The King moft humanely 
replied, " Is that all ? It was the wifeft thing 
he could do, and . what I would have done had I 
been in his place. And pray, Mr. Lieutenant, 
be not too diligent in fearching after him, for I 
wifh for no man's blood." 



the banquet: OF WIT. 85 
Chrijlianity. 

A gentleman, the firft time of his coming to 
Bath, was extravagantly charged for everything 
by the perfons in whofe houfe he lodged, as well 
as by others whom he had occafion to deal with ; 
of which, fome time after, complaining to Beau 
Nafh, " Sir," replied the latter, " they have acted 
to you on true Chriftian principles." " How 
fo ? " replied the man. " Why, you were a 
ftranger, and they took you in." 



George the Fourth. 

On hearing fomeone declare that Moore had 
murdered Sheridan in his late life of that flatef- 
man, this King obferved, " I won't fay that Mr. 
Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has cer- 
tainly attempted his life." 



A Father s Reproof. 

The father of an Irifh ftudent, feeing his fon 
a£r. ftupidly, u Why, firrah," fays he, u did you 
ever fee me do fo when I was a boy ?" 



86 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 



The Letter H. 

The Rev. Rowland Hill, when at college, 
had a converfation with fome of his companions 
on the power of the letter H, when it was con- 
tended that it was no letter, but a mere afpira- 
tion of breathing. Rowland took the oppofite 
fide of the queftion, and infifted on its being, to 
all intents and purpofes, a letter^ and concluded 
by obferving, if it was not, it was a very ferious 
thing for him, as it would occafion his being /// 
all the days of his life. 



A Death-bed Bon Mot. 

Swift's Stella, in her laft illnefs, being vifited 
by her phyfician, he faid, " Madam, I hope we 
fhall foon get you up the hill again." "Ah ! " 
faid fhe, " I am afraid before I get to the top / 

[ball be out of breath" 



William Hogarth 

Was affifted in his " Analyfis of Beauty" by 
Dr. Benjamin Hoadly (author of the " Sufpicious 
Hufband"), Mr. Ralph, and Dr. Morell. 

His vanity was unbounded : one word in favour 
of his favourite daubing of " Sigifmunda " might 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 87 

have commanded a proof print, or forced an 
original fketch out of our artift's hands. 

Hogarth was one of the molt abfent of men. 
Soon after he had let up his carriage he paid a 
vifit to the Lord Mayor (Mr. Beckford), and 
having protracted his vifit for a confiderable time, 
till a heavy fhower came on, he was let out by a 
different door from that by which he entered. 
Unmindful of his own carriage, he called for a 
hackney coach, but could not procure one ; he 
therefore fet off" through the rain, and got home 
dripping wet. Mrs. Hogarth very naturally afked 
him, " Where he had left the carriage ? " " Why, 
really " replied he, " I had entirely forgot it." 

Hogarth being appointed ferjeant-painter to 
his Majefty, he thought he mould mow his grati- 
tude for that favour by attacking the Oppoiition 
gentlemen. He began with a caricature of Mr. 
Wilkes. Mr. Churchill foon after publifhed the 
" Epiftle to William Hogarth," in which that 
artift was unmercifully lamed. Hogarth's re- 
venge terminated in " The Bruifer, C. Churchill 
(once the reverend)," reprefenting the fatirift in 
the form of a bear dreiTed canonically, holding a 
pot of porter in his paw. During thefe hoftili- 
ties Hogarth died. 

On the front of a pyramidal monument at 
Chifwick, are the following admirable lines by 
his friend Garrick : — 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

" Farewell, great painter of mankind 

Who reach'd the nobleft point of art, 
Whofe pi£tur"d morals charm the mind, 

And through the eye correal the heart. 
If genius fire thee, Reader flay ; 

If nature touch thee, drop a tear 5 
If neither move thee, turn away, 

For Hogarth's honour'd duft lies here." 



Coffee. 

A phyfician faid one day to Fontenelle, " Coffee 
is a flow poifon." " Yes, very flow," anfwered 
Fontenelle, fmiling ; "for I have taken it every 
day for more than four f core years." 



Blood for Blood, 

Louvois, prime minifter to Louis XIV., faid 
to that monarch, in the prefence of Peter Stuppa, 
colonel of a regiment of Swifs Guards, that with 
the gold and filver which the Swifs had received 
from the King of France, an highway might be 
paved to reach from Paris to Bafle. "That 
may be true, fire," replied the Colonel -, " and, 
likewife, if all the blood could be collected that 
my countrymen have fhed in the fervice of your 
Majefty and your predecefTors, a canal might be 
formed to reach from Bade to Paris." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 89 

Effect of Good Wine. 
Rabelais. 
This fupremely witty writer faid : " Good wine 
makes good blood, good blood makes good hu- 
mours, good humours create good thoughts, 
good thoughts produce good works, good works 
guide men to heaven, and, confequently, good 
wine conduces men to heaven." Perhaps Rabe- 
lais might have thus expounded the paffage of 
Scripture, " Wine cheers the heart of God and 
man!'' 

Agejilaus. 

When Agefilaus, the renowned king of Sparta, 
heard any perfon praifed or cenfured, he re- 
marked, that it was as neceffary to know the 
characters of the.fpeakers as the character of 
thofe who were the fubjecls of their opinions. 

Lord Chefterfield. 

On the 1 ft of July it was the cuftom for the 
Proteftants in Ireland to appear at the Court of 
the Lord Lieutenant with orange-coloured ribbons, 
in commemoration of the battle of the Boyne, 
gained by King William III. When the Earl 
of Chefterfield was Lord Lieutenant, he obferved 



9 o THE BANQUET OF IV IT. 

Mifs Ambrofe, a papift, a very beautiful girl, 
wearing one of thofe ribbons. The inftant it 
caught his eye he walked up to her, and ad- 
drefled her in the following lines : — 

"Say, lovely Tory, what's the jest, 
Of wearing orange on your breaft ? 
Since that fame breaft betraying mows 
The whitenefs of the rebel rofe ? *' 



Early to Church. 

A lady was afked the reafon why fhe always 
came fo early to church. " Becaufe," faid fhe, 
" it is part of my religion never to difturb the 
religion of others." 

Never Look Behind. 

A foldier boafted to Julius Csefar of the many 
wounds he had received in the face. Caefar, 
knowing him to be a coward, faid to him, " The 
next time you run away, you had better take 
care how you look behind you." 

'Talking Spanijh. 

Sir Henry Vane, who was fufpected to have 
been bribed by the Court of Madrid, preffed 
Guftavus Adolphus, in a vehement manner, to 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 91 

adopt certain meafures. To get rid of his im- 
portunity, he faid to Sir Henry, " Sir, I do not 
underftand your language, you appear to talk 
Spanijh." 



Beauty in Spite of her Teeth. 

A young fellow was extolling a lady's beauty 
very highly, and one of his companions allowed 
fhe had beauty, except that fhe had a bad fet of 
teeth. " Very true," faid the firft, "but fhe is 
a fine woman, in fplte of her teeth ." 

Cunning. 

A Midlothian farmer, obferving to his plough- 
boy that there was a fly in his milk, " O, never 
mind, fir," faid the boy, " it winna drown ; 
there's nae fae meikle o't." u Gude wife," faid 
the farmer, u Jock fays he has o'er little milk ! " 
<c There's milk enough for a' my bread," faid the 
fly rogue. 

One good Turn deferves Another. 

Buck, the player at York, was afked how he 
came to turn his coat twice. He replied, fmartly, 
that " one good turn deferves another." 



92 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Light. 

A link boy afked Dr. B urges, the preacher, if 
he would have a light. " No, child," fays the 
Doctor, " I am one of the lights of the world." 
" I wifh then," replied the boy, <f you was hung 
up at the end of our alley, for we live in a 
deviliih dark one." 

Fellow Feeling. 

Dr. A., phyfician at Newcaftle-on-Tyne, 
being fummoned to a veftry, in order to repri- 
mand the fexton for drunkennefs, he dwelt fo 
long on the fexton's mifconducl: as to raife his 
choler fo as to draw from him this expreffion : — 
" Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my 
failings with more gentlenefs, or that you would 
have been the laft man alive to appear againft 
me, as / have covered fo many blunders of yours ! " 

Irifli Dreaming. 

When General V was quartered in a 

fmall town in Ireland, he and his lady were 
regularly befieged as they got into their carriage 
by an old beggar woman, who kept her poft at 
the door, afTailing them daily with frefh impor- 
tunities. Their charity and patience became 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 93 

exhaufted ; not fo the petitioner's perfeverance. 
One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the car- 
riage, our oratrix began — " Oh, my lady ! 
fuccefs to your ladyfhip, and fuccefs to your 
honour's honour, this morning of all the days in 
the year ; for fure did I not dream laft night 
that her ladyfhip gave me a pound of tea, and 
your honour gave me a pound of tobacco." 
" But, my good woman," faid the General, 
cC don't you know that dreams go by the rule 
of contrary ?" 4< Do they fo ? " rejoined the old 
woman : u then it muft mean, that your honour 
will give me the tea, and her ladyfhip the 
tobacco." 



Proof of Civilization. 

A perfon who had refided for fome time on 
the coaft of Africa, was afked if he thought it 
poffible to civilize the natives. " As a proof of 
the poffibiiity of it," faid he, " I have known 
fome negroes that thought as little of telling a 
lie or breaking an oath as any European." 



Trial of Wit. 

A perfon abufing another to Churchill, faid, 
he was fo infufferably dull, that if you faid a good 



94 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

thing he did not underftand it. u Pray, fir/' 
faid Churchill, " did you ever try him? " 



Conjideration. 

A patriotic candidate, who offered himfelf as 
the reprefentative of a Kentifh borough, told a 
yeoman to whom he applied, that if he were re- 
turned member, he would exert all his influence 
to turn out the miniftry. " Will you ? " replied 
the yeoman, " then I promife you mall not have 
my vote ; for I am not for changing them, be 
they good or bad. I know well enough how it 
is with my hogs : when I buy them lean, they eat 
more than they are worth ; but when once they 
have grown a little fat, the feeding them is not 
half fo expenfive. So I am for keeping the pre- 
fent fet, a new herd would devour more." 



Garrick. 

The character of the Britifh Rofcius has been 
feverely afperfed on account of his reputed 
parfimony 5 an anecdote is, however, related of 
him by Albany Willis, Efq., who was his inti- 
mate friend, which (hows that the accufation 
was fomewhat unjuft. " Mr. Garrick," fays 
this gentleman, " was no more a fool in charity 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 95 

than in other matters ; he knew where and how 
to beftow his liberality. He came to me one 
morning in a violent hurry, and without even 
his ufual falutation, abruptly exclaimed, ' My 
dear friend, the doctor is in want; you muft 
inftantly do me a favour. Come, come, put on 
your hat, and, without delay, go to Dr. Johnfon's 
lodgings, and prefent him with thefe bank-notes ; 
but, on your life, do not mention from whom 
you had them ! ' The amount was by no means 
inconfiderable. In compliance with his requeft, 
I inftantly waited on the doctor, and being 
announced, was ufhered into his apartment. 
Having prefaced may errand with as much 
delicacy as poffible, I prefented the notes, which 
the doctor received with much agitation ; and 
after a few moments, wiping away the tears, he 
prefTed my hand between his with energy, ex- 
claiming, ' Mr. Willis, I know from whence 
this comes -, tell Mr. Garrick, that his kindnefs 
is almoft too much for me ; tell him alfo that I 
fhall never be able to repay this fum, much lefs 
what I have before received at his hands ! ' A 
few months after this donation the doctor died." 



Education. 

Agefilaus was aiked, " What ought children 
to be taught ? " His anfwer was, u They ought 



96 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

to learn that which it will be necefTary for them 
to pra£tife when they reach mature age." 

What is this, but the molt concife and the 
moft excellent defcription that ever was given 
of a right education ? 

The Vine, 

Anacharfis faid, " The vine produces three 
forts of grapes : the firft, of pleafure ; the second, 
of intoxication ; and the third, of repentance. 



His Father. 

A firnple youth coming to Rome from the 
country, was obferved to refemble Auguftus fo 
much that it was the subject of general con- 
verfation. The Emperor ordered him to appear 
at Court, and inquired of him if his mother had 
ever been in Rome ? " No," anfwered the 
youth, " but my father has." 

Lord Bacon 

Was wont to fay of a paffionate man, who 
fuppreffed his anger, "That he thought worfe 
than he fpoke ; " and he faid of an angry man, 
who vented his paflion in words, u That he 
fpoke worfe than he thought." 



THE BANQUET OF JV1T. 97 

Chateauneaf. 

He was keeper of the feals in the minority of 
Louis XIII. At the age of nine he was intro- 
duced to a French bifhop, who faid he would 
give him an orange if he would tell him where 
God is. " My Lord," replied the boy, " I will 
give you two, if you will tell me where he is 
not" 

Fortune, 

Henry II. gained many advantages over 
Charles V. in the advanced period of his life. 
Charles confoled himfelf by faying upon fuch 
occafions, "Fortune is like a woman, {he prefers 
young men to old." 



Suett, the Comedian. 

This perfon having offended another, the 
aggrieved party was determined on revenge, and 
waited at the theatre door to punifh him. The 
night was extremely wet and dark, and as the 
actors paffed, moft of whom were muffled in 
their cloaks, the enraged man was obliged, left 
he mould cudgel the wrong one, to afk each if 
he was the a£tor whom he wanted. At length 
the wimed-for man arrived, who, pufhing in, 

H 



9 8 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

wrapt in his roquelaire and drenched with rain, 
was addreffed with the ufual query : " Are you 
Suett ? " " No," replied he, t£ I am dripping" 
and fo pafled into the theatre. 



Too much of a good thing, 

Foote being in a company where the " Tufcan 
grape " had produced more riot than concord, 
obferved one gentleman fo far gone in debate as 
to be about to throw the bottle at his antagonifVs 
head ;. upon which, catching the miffile in his 
hand, he rerrored the harmony of the company 
by remarking that " if the bottle was pafTed fo 
quickly, not one of them would be able to ftand 
out the evening." 



Legal Bull. 

A grave writer on the laws of England fays 
that " when a jury of matrons is empannelled, 
the foreman ought to be a woman of known and 
good repute." 



A Married Bachelor. 

An Irifli colonel of a volunteer corps, who 
had long been a confirmed bachelor, excited 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 99 

much pleafantrv by haranguing his men, 

" Gentlemen, we are all afTembled this day to 
defend our wives and our children." 



The Rave?i. 

A man, being told that a raven would live 
two hundred years, bought one to try. 



Clofe Quarters. 

A young enfign refiding in lodgings, the rooms 
of which were very fmall, was vifited by a 
fafhionable friend, who had no fooner entered 
than he exclaimed, "Heaven defend me, Charles, 
where do you find fpace to breathe in here ? 
Why there's hardly room enough for a cock to 
crow in ! How long have you lived in this 
nut-JhelU '" "Not long enough," replied the 
other, archly,/' to become a kernel." 

Playing the F00L. 

A lady beating a tune on a table, as deftitute 
of harmony as time, aiked another if me knew 
what fhe played? "I do," anfwered me, " you 
play the fool." 



ioo THE BANQUET OF WIT 

Long, Short. 

A young lady of the name of Long, who was 
rather fhort in ftature, appeared at Bath ; upon 
which a gentleman faid extempore : — 

" Though long, yet fhort, 
Though fhort, yet pretty long." 

Poji- Boy. 

Dr. Roger Long, the famous aftronomer, 
walking one dark evening with Mr. Bonfoy, in 
Cambridge, and the latter coming to a fhort poft 
fixed in the pavement, which in the earneftnefs 
of converfation he took to be a boy ftanding in 
his way, faid haftily, " Get out of my way, 
boy ! " "That boy, fir," faid the Doctor very 
calmly, " is a poft-boy, who never turns out of 
his way for anybody." 



A FaSt. 

Two gentlemen palling recently through one 
of the poorer parts of the city of Edinburgh, 
obferved the following notice ported on the 
fhutter of a mop which was clofed : — 

" Shut in cafe of a death in the family." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 101 

Fine, if it clears up. 

One very wet morning a certain Mr. G — ■ — t, 
of Edinburgh, talking to fome friends, remarked, 
11 It will be a fine day, if it clears up." 

Clan/hip. 

A Scotchman and an Irifhman were in com- 
pany ; the latter obferved a very large creeper 
on the Scotchman's coat, and was immediately 
going to kill it, when the Scotchman inftantly 
feized his hand and exclaimed, " Hod your hand, 
mon ! whar ye to kill him there be twa or three 
thoufand come down to his relief, for you mun 
ken he is the heed of the clan." 

Proof of Sanity. 

Swinburne, in his " Treatife on Wills, &c," 
relates the following curious anecdote : — 

The will of a gentleman was difputed on the 
ground of his having been infane, and therefore 
not competent to make one. On the part of 
legatees feveral witnefies were examined to 
prove the fanity of the teftator, and amongft 
other evidence the following was given, which 
decided the opinion pf the judges in their 
favour : — 



io2 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

A poor chimney-fweep, who was nearly 
ftarved, fat himfelf down by the door of a 
cook's-fhop in Holborn, and endeavoured to 
allay the cravings of his ftomach by inhaling 
the fleams which arofe from the kitchen where 
the various viands were cooking. This went 
on for fome time, till at length the fweep rofe to 
purfue his way. The owner of the cook-mop, 
however, flopped him, and demanded fixpence 
of him as a remuneration. Againft this the 
poor fweep violently protefted, alleging that he 
had not anything from him. The cook, how- 
ever, was not to be pacified, and infifted that as 
he had allayed his appetite with the fleam 
ariilng from his meat, he was entitled to 
remuneration for it. In vain did the fweep 
remonftrate ; and it was finally fettled to refer 
the caufe to the arbitration of the firft pafler-by. 
This happened, to be the identical gentleman 
mentioned above. After hearing both fides of 
the queftion attentively, he defired the fweep to 
give him the fum demanded, and the cook to 
bring him two plates, which being done, he 
rattled the fixpence between them for fome time, 
and then returned it to the fweep, obferving, 
" that as he had been fatisfied with the fmell of 
the cook's meatj the cook muft alfo be fatisfied 
with the found of his money " 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 103 
Foote. 

When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the 
Caftle, and when Partridge produced the bill, 
which was rather exorbitant, Foote afked him 
his name ? " Partridge, a'nt pleafe you," faid 
he. "Partridge ! " returned Foote, " it mould 
be Woodcock, by the length of your bill.'' 1 



Sun- 

A gentleman, indifpofed and confined to his 
bed, fent his fervant to fee what hour it was by 
the fun-dial which was fattened to a poft in his 
garden. The fervant was an Irifhman, and 
being at a lofs how to tell the hour, thought he 
was to pluck up the poft, which he accordingly 
did, and carried it to his mailer with the fun- 
dial, faying, " Arrah now, look at it yourfeif, 
troth an 1 it's all a myftery to me." 



A Bull of the Highland Breed. 

The wife of a Scotch laird, being fuddenly 
taken very ill, the hufband ordered the fervant 
to get a horfe ready to go to the next town for 
the doclor. By the time, however, the horfe 
was ready, and his letter to the doctor written, 



104 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

the lady recovered, on which he added the 
following poftfcript : " My wife having re- 
covered, you need not come," and then fent off" 
the mefTenger. 



Catching Sparrows, 

A citizen, feeing fome fparrows on a tree, 
went beneath and (hook it, holding his hat to 
catch them as they fell. 

A Bull out of his Pajiure. 

The Irifh papers, in defcribing a late duel at 
Waterford, fay, that one of the combatants was 
fhot through the flejhy part of the thigh bone! 

A Horje's Trick. 

A bailiff, clapping a man on the moulder, 
faid, "I arreft you, fir, for a horfe" " Why, 
thou coxcomb," replied the man, " thou canft 
not be fuch a fool ; look at me again ; what 
likenefs can you fee ? I'll mow thee a horfe's 
trick, however \ " and, giving him a fudden kick, 
left him in the kennel, and ran off. 



THE BANQUET OF IF IT. 105 
Sharp Repartee. 

A countryman fowing his ground, two fmart 
fellows riding that way, one of them called to 
him with an infolent air, " Well, honeft fellow," 
faid he, " 'tis your bufinefs to fow, but we reap 
the fruits of your labour." To which the 
countryman replied, " 'Tis very like you may, 
for I am fowing hemp." 

Rich and the Hackney Coachman. 

As the late Mr. Rich, whofe abilities as a 
harlequin are univerfally known, was one even- 
ing returning home from the playhoufe in a 
hackney-coach, he ordered the coachman to 
drive him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in 
Clare Market. Juft as the coach patted one of 
the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived 
it to be open, dexteroufly threw himfelf out of 
the coach window into the room. The coach- 
man, who faw nothing of this tranfa&ion, drew 
up, defcended from his box, opened the coach 
door, and let down the ftep ; then, taking off 
his hat, he waited for fome time, expecting his 
fare to alight ; but at length, looking into the 
coach, and feeing it empty, he beftowed a few 
hearty curfes on the rafcal who had bilked him, 



io6 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

remounted his box, turned about, and was 
returning to the ftand , when Rich, who had 
watched his opportunity, threw himfelf into the 
coach, looked out, afked the fellow where the 
devil he was driving, and defired him to turn 
about. The coachman, almoft petrified with 
fear, inftantly obeyed, and once more drew up 
to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out ; 
and after reproaching the fellow with ftupidity, 
tendered him his money. " No, Godblefs your 
honour," faid the coachman, " my mafter has 
ordered me to take no money to-night." 
u Pfhaw," faid Rich, "your mailer's a fool; 
here's a milling for yourfelf." " No, no," faid 
the coachman, who by that time had remounted 
his box, €C that won't do. I know you too well, 
for all your fhoes, and fo, Mr. Devil, for once 
you're outwitted ! " 



Pre fence of Mind. 

Sir C. S being at an inn on the road, a 

report came that a gentleman had been robbed, 
on which he fwore " That a fingle highwayman 
fhould not rob him." The next morning, going 
on his journey, one met him, and repeated the 

very words Sir C had made ufe of the night 

before. " But there are two of you," replied 
Sir C- o The man, furprifed by the im- 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 107 

promptu, fuddenly turned his head round to look 

for his comrade, when Sir C inftantly mot 

him dead. 



Importance of def patch. 

The benevolent Dr. Wilfon once difcovered 
a clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was 
fick, poor, and had a numerous family. In the 
evening he gave a friend fifty pounds, requefting 
he would deliver it in the moft delicate manner, 
and as from an unknown perfon. The friend re- 
plied, " I will wait upon him early in the morn- 
ing." " You will oblige me by calling directly. 
Think, fir, of what importance a good night's 
reft may be to that poor man." 



Speed. 

A Spanifh ambaffador boafted of the great 
military power of his mafter to Henry IV. of 
France. The king, thinking to put the haughty 
don to filence, faid,with his ufual vivacity, a Great 
as you may think your mailer's power to ftop the 
progrefs of my arms, if the whim mould take 
me, I will breakfaft in Milan, hear mafs at 
Rome, and dine at Naples." " Sir," replied the 
ambalTador, with a fignificant fneer, " if you can 



108 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

travel fo fad, you may chance to finifh the day 
by hearing vefpers in Sicily ." 



Ariftippus on Luxury and Avarice. 

A mifer objected to him his luxurious table. 
Ariftippus mowed him an expenfive dim of 
dainties, and faid, " Would you not buy this if 
it were fold for a penny ? " " Certainly I would," 
faid the other. "Then," faid Ariftippus, "I 
only give to luxury what you give to avarice. " 



His own Steward. 

" I cannot conceive," faid a nobleman to Lord 
Chefterfield, " how you manage your affairs ; for 
though your eftate is fmaller than mine, you 
make a much more fplendid figure than I do." 
" My Lord," faid Chefterfield, " I have a 
place." "Pray, what place?" u I am my 
own fteward." 

Marwood. 

A felon, who was juft on the point of being 
turned off", afked the hangman if he had any 
meflage for the place to which he was going. " I 
will juft trouble you with a line" replied the 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 109 

finifher of the law, placing the knot under the 
left ear. 

A Complete Mijiake. 

An Irifhman, going down the High Street of 
Glafgow, met a perfon whom he thought he 
knew ; but Pat, finding his miftake, faid, " I 
beg your pardon, I thought it was you, and you 
thought it was me; but, by St. Patrick, it's 
neither the one nor the other." 



A Notice. 

A provincial paper advertifes, that all unquali- 
fied perfons and poachers found mooting, courfing, 
or deftroying the partridges, hares, nuts, or other 
game, upon the manor Wheeley, in EiTex, will 
be profecuted as the law directs. 

A Man of Letters. 

A young lady ftated flie was the daughter of a 
man of letters ; — the fa£t is, fhe was the daughter 
of a poftman. 

A Double Bull. 

Two gentlemen paffing a blackberry bum, 
when ' the fruit was unripe, one faid it was 



no THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

ridiculous to call them blackberries when they 
were green. " Don't you know," faid his friend, 
" that blackberries are always red when they are 
green." 

A Dark Age. 

Among the addreffes prefented upon the ac- 
ceffion of James I. was one from the ancient 
town of Shrewfbury, wifhing his Majefty might 
reign as long as the fun, moon, and ftars endured. 
" Faith, man," faid the king to the perfon who 
prefented it, " if I do, my fon then muft reign by 
candlelight." 



A Coalition. 

At the commencement of the Parliament in 
1802, Mr. Pitt and Mr. Sheridan took the oaths 
at the fame time ; the premier, happening to 
have no filver in his pocket, borrowed a couple 
of fhillings to pay for his oath. This being ob- 
ferved from the gallery, the following paragraph 
appeared in the morning paper of next day : 
" Something is certainly on the carpet at prefent 
between the miniftry and oppofition, for we aflert, 
from undoubted authority, that yefterday a loan 
was negotiated between Mr. Pitt and Mr. Sheri- 
dan." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. in 
The Heroic Painter. 

Vernet, the famous painter, was fo attached to 
his profeffion, that he ufed to make voyages in 
bad weather on purpofe to fee the fky and ocean 
in pi&urefque perturbation. One day the ftorm 
was fo violent that the fhip's crew were in great 
confternation. Vernet defired a failor to bind 
him to the malt. When everyone was crying 
and praying, Vernet, with his eyes now upon the 
lightning, and now upon the mountainous waves, 
continued to exclaim, " How fine this is ! " 



A Recipe. 

A young clergyman having buried three wives, 
a lady afked him how it happened. " Madam," 
replied he, " I knew they could not live without 
contradiction, fo I let them all have their own 
way." 

Magnanimity . 

The Chevalier de Menilles, being implicated 
in the confpiracy againft the Duke of Orleans, 
was thrown into prifon \ the allegation againft 
him was, the not having betrayed thofe who had 
entrufted him with the fecret. A Marquis of 
Menilles, of another family, went to the Duke 



ii2 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

of Orleans, to affure him that the Chevalier was 
neither a relation or friend of his. cc So much 
the worfe for you^" replied the Regent, " the 

Chevalier de Menilles is a very gallant gentleman.'" 



ILquality. 

Benjamin Franklin. 

The ftrong, found, and good fenfe of Dr. 
Franklin was difcernible on whatever fubjecl: he 
fpoke or wrote. That of equality was thus 
difcuffed by Dr. Franklin in a converfation with 
David Hume : " Every man is born with a 
propensity to power, riches, &c, &c, and would 
willingly engrofsnot only a very unequal portion 
of thefe to himfelf, but would fubjecl: others to 
his humours into the bargain : it is evident, then, 
that for men of fuch fine difpofitions to be equal, 
is a thing impoffible : Men are exceffive in every 
thing they can do. Certainly every man has. a 
right to indulge his felf-love, and to believe him- 
felf naturally equal to other men ; but it does 
not from thence follow that a prince's cook may 
order His Royal Highnefs to drefs his dinner. 
The cook, indeed, may fay, I am as much a man 
as my matter; like him I cried at my birth, and 
he will die as well as myfelf. If the Turks 
make themfelves matters of Peterfburg, and I 



THE BANQUET OF JVIT. 113 

fhould come to he a prince, and my mafter re- 
duced to turn cook, I will take him into mv 
fervice. There is nothing in this foliloquy but 
what is rational and juft, yet till the Grand 
Seignor makes himfelf mafter of Peterfburg, 
the cook is to do his duty, eife there is an end of 
human focietv." 

Finance. 

An Irishman on landing in New York met 
a Yankee, and afked him if he knew anything 
about finance. " Finance ? " replied the Ame- 
rican. " Yes, finance," faid Paddy. " No, 
I don't." u Then fince you don't underftand 
finance, to put it plainer, perhaps you can aflift 
a poor man." " Oh ! go to the devil," faid the 
Yankee. " Ah ! fure now," retorted Paddy, " I 
thought you was a gentleman when I met you, 
but now I know you to be one, fince you have 
afked me home to your father's firefide." 



Fear. 

Lord Peterborough being congratulated on 
never evincing any fear, " Sir," anfwered his 
lordfhip, " fhow me a danger which I am con- 
vinced is near and unavoidable, and I promife 
you I mall have as much fear as any of you." 
1 



ii 4 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Hit for the Doff or. 

A phyfician boafring to great knowledge in 
his profeffion, faid he never heard any complaint 
from his patients j one wittily replied, "Very 
likely. Doctor, for the faults of phyficians are 
generally buried with the patients. " 

Whole/ale, not Re-tail. 

Some perfons broke into the ftables belonging 
to a troop of horfe which was quartered fome 
time fince at Carlifle, and wantonly docked the 
tail of every horfe clofe to the rump ! The 
Captain relating the circumftance next day to a 
brother officer, faid he was at a lofs what to do 
with the horfes. u I fancy you muft difpofe of 
them by whole/ale^* was the reply. " Why by 
wholefale ?" " Becaufe you will certainly find it 
impomble to re-tail them." 

Patent tumbling. 

When James I. went to Salifbury, one 
of the active adventurers of thofe days climbed 
up the outfide of the fpire of the cathedral, and 
at the top made three fummerfets in honour 
of his majefty ; who, being applied to for a re- 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 115 

ward, gave him a patent whereby every other 
of his fubje&s, except the aforefaid man and his 
heirs male, were prohibited from climbing fteeples 
for ever. 



A Promifng Young Gentleman. 

Concerning a nobleman who when young was 
remarkable for cajoling his creditors with a 
future pay-day, it was obferved by one of his 
friends that it was a pity that fortune mould 
neglect fo promifing a young gentleman. 

A Proof of Civilization. 

A modern writer of travels records that in 
one of his peregrinations he traverfed a wide 
extent of uncultivated regions, but at laft per- 
ceived a gibbet, "the fight of which," fays he, 
" gave me infinite pleafure, as it proved that I 
was in a civilized country. " 

Compliment to a fudge. 

An attorney brought an action againft a farmer 
for having called him a rafcally lawyer. An old 
hufbandman being a witnefs, was afked if he 
heard the man call him a lawyer? "I did," 
was the reply. "Pray," fays the judge, "what 



n6 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

is your opinion of the import of the word ? " 
" There can be no doubt of that," replied the 
fellow. " Why, good man," faid the judge, 
a there is no difhonour in the name, is there ? " 
" I know nothing about that," anfwered he, 
" but this I know, if any man called me a lawyer 
I'd knock him down." " Why, fir," faid the 
judge, pointing to one of the counfel, "that 
gentleman is a lawyer, and that, and that \ and 
I too am a lawyer." " No, no," replied the 
fellow, "no, my lord; you are a judge, I 
know -, but I'm fure you are no lawyer." 



An Out-and-Outer. 

Two brothers of the name of Lawes creating 
a difturbance at the Dublin Theatre, were 
called to order by the celebrated Felix McCarthy, 
who was in the fame box. One of them, pre- 
fenting his card, faid, " You mail hear from one 
of us ; our name is Lawes" "Lawes, is it? " 
quoth Felix, "then I'll give you an addition to 
your name," and exerting his well-known 
ftrength, handed them out of the box, exclaim- 
ing, " Now, by the powers, ye're both Out- 
law es." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 117 
Entering the Family. 

An Irifhman was heard to fay that he would 
have been a man of confiderable property if his 
father had never entered the family. 

A Small Apartment. 

An Irifh gentleman having a fmall pi<5ture- 
room, feveral perfons defired to fee it at the 
fame time. "Faith, gentlemen," faid he, " if 
you all go in, it will not hold you." 

Bet on a Bull. 

An Hibernian officer being once in company 
with feveral who belonged to the fame corps, 
one of them, in a laugh, faid he would lay a 
dozen of claret, that the Irifhman made a bull 
before the evening was over. " Done," faid 
Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of 
puzzling him, he was afked how many bulls 
there were in that town. " Five/' faid he. 
" How do you make that out-? " faid the other. 
" Faith," faid he, " there is the Black Bull in 
the market-place, and the Red Bull over the 
way; then there is the Pied Bull juft by the 
bridge, and the White Bull at the corner." 



n8 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

" They are but four," faid the other. " Why, 
arrah," faid he, u there is the Dun Cow in the 
Butcher-row." " That's a bull," faid the other. 
"By Jabers," faid he, u then I have won my 
wager, you have made the bull, and not me." 



Mr. Amner. 

This famous man croffing the water in a 
ferryboat at Hatchet, the ferryman being from 
home, his wife did the office, and not putting in 
the boat j uft at the landing-place, Mr. Amner funk 
over his fhoes in the mud on landing. Going a 
little further he met with a friend, who afked 
him how he came to be fo dirty. " 'Fore 
God," anfwered Mr. Amner, " no man ever was 
fo abufed as I have been, for coming over 
Datchet ferry, a woman waterman put over the 
boat, and landed me clean in the mire." 



A Compliment. 

When the great Duke of Marlborough vifited 
the Duke of Montague at Broughton, he in 
high terms commended the excellency of his 
waterworks ; to which the latter replied, " But 
they are by no means comparable to your grace's 
fireworks" 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. n 9 
Civility. 

Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, 
one went to the other's door early in the morning 
and wrote Scoundrel upon it. The other called 
upon his neighbour, and was anfwered by a fer- 
vant that his mafter was not at home, but if he 
had anything to fay, he might leave it with him. 
" No, no," fays he, " I was only going to return 
your mailer's vifit, as he left bis name at my door 
in the morning." 



Indian Dreaming. 

It is a cuftom among the Canadian Indians 
that when one dreams that another has rendered 
him any fervice, the perfon dreamed of thinks it 
a duty to fulfil the dream if poffible. A chief 
one morning came to the governor, Sir William 
Johnftone, and told him that he had laft night 
dreamed that Sir William had made him a pre- 
fent of the fuit of regimentals he wore. The 
Governor readily prefented them to him, but, as 
the Indian was going out, <c Stop," faid Sir 
William, " I had almoft forgot, but I dreamed 
about you laft night ; I dreamed that you gave 
me fuch a tracl: of land " (defcribing a large 
traa). "You fhall have it," faid he, "but if 



120 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

you pleafe, Sir William, we will not dream any 



?nore. 



Slight Mifiake. 

The late Lady Tyrawley, who was veryfhort- 
fighted, being on a chriftening vifit, waited below • 
ilrairs a confiderable time, with much impatience, 
to fee the child, which was to be brought down 
to her. The maid-fervant in the meantime 
entered the apartment with a coal bajket, and 
approaching the fire, near which her Jadyfhipwas 
feated, fhe immediately rofe, and being extremely 
defirous of complimenting the family with a thou- 
fand commonplace obfervations on the bantling, 
run on in the following manner with great volu- 
bility : " La ! it is the fweetefl creature I ever 
beheld! My lord duke's nofe ! My lady duchefs's 
eyes and mouth ! Dear nurfe, this is an uni- 
verfal joy ; for fure no mother ever had fo fweet 
a creature ! " The company ftared, and her 
ladyfhip, who did not difcover her error, called 
for her chair, congratulating herfelf on having 
paid her vifit, and returned home full of the 
praifes of her grace's delightful baby . 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 121 
A Bull. 

A gentleman remarked the other day to an 
Irifh baronet that the fcience of optics was now 
brought to the highest perfection ' for that, by 
the aid of a telefcope which he had juft pur- 
chafed, he could difcern objects at an incredible 
diftance. cc My dear fellow," replied the good- 
humoured baronet, " I have one at my lodge in 
the county of Wexford that will be a match for 
it ; it brought the church of Ennifcorthy fo near 
to my view, that I could hear the whole congre- 
gation finging pfalms." 



The Plea. 

An attorney brought an immenfe bill to a lady 
for fome bufmefs he had done for her. The 
lady (to whom he had once paid his addreffes) 
murmured at the charges. " Madam," replied 
the limb of the law, " I had a mind to convince 
you that my profeffion is lucrative, and that I 
mould not have been a bad match." 



Kofciujko, 

the hero of Poland, once wifhed to fend fome 
bottles of good wine to a clergyman at Solo- 



122 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

thurn, and as he hefitated to truft them by his 
fervant, left he mould fmuggle a part, he gave 
the commiffion to a young man of the name of 
Zeltner, and defired him to take the horfe which 
he himfelf ufually rode. On his return, young 
Zeltner faid that he never would ride his horfe 
again unlefs he gave him his purfe at the fame 
time. Kofciufko inquiring what he meant, he 
anfwered, " As foon as a poor man on the road 
takes off his hat, and afks charity, the horfe im- 
mediately ftands ftill, and will not ftir until fome- 
thing is given to the petitioner ; and as I had no 
money about me, I was obliged to feign giving 
fomething, in order to fatisfy the horfe." 



Crimes and Punifhments. 

Fenelon, the Bifhop of Avranches, difcourfing 
with the Archbifhop of Cambray on the fub- 
jecl: of the code of criminal laws in France, ap- 
proved, in contradiction to the Archbifhop, of 
the number of executions for capital offences. 
" I maintain," faid he, " that fuch criminals are 
not fit to live." "But, my friend," replied 
Fenelon, " you do not reflect that they are ftill 
lefs fit to die." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 123 

Water Colours. 

John GrifTier (landfcape- painter), known 
amongft amateurs by the name of the Gentle- 
man of .Utrecht, formed the fingular refolution 
of living always upon the fea; he bought a veflel 
with accommodation for himfelf, wife, and chil- 
dren. He failed continually along the Dutch 
coafts, always in his floating houfe, and in thefe 
voyages he painted moft beautiful landfcapes and 
marine views. His fortune proved the incon- 
ftancy of his favourite element ; he was fre- 
quently wrecked, and faw his whole property 
fwallowed twenty times by the mercilefs waves, 
without wifhing to change his mode of life. 



Beji bred man. 

Louis XIV. was told that Lord Stair was one 
of the bell: bred men in Europe. " I fhall foon 
put that to the teit," faid the king ; and, afking 
Lord Stair to take an airing with him, as foon as 
the door of the coach was opened, he bade him 
pafs, and go in ; the other bowed, and obeyed. 
The king faid, "The world's in the right in the 
character it gives ; another perfon would have 
troubled me with ceremony." 



124 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 
How to make the Dumb f peak. 

A gentleman being one day at a public enter- 
tainment where one of the company fat feveral 
hours without fpeaking a word, and as, from the 
character of the perfon, there was a great reafon 
to fufpecl: that his filence was owing to a fuper- 
cilious contempt of the company, he determined 
to mow his refentment the firft opportunity that 
offered. Accordingly, when fupper was brought 
in, he was remarkably affiduous in helping the 
filent man to the beft on the table, and taking 
care to fupply his plate when he faw it nearly 
empty. Upon this one of the company defired 
to know his reafon for this extraordinary atten- 
tion to the filent perfon ; to which he replied, 
" I afTure you it is from the tendernefs of my 
difpofition, for I cannot bear to fee a dumb crea- 
ture want." 



A Convenient Nap. 

Two Oxford fcholars flept in the fame room at 
college. "Jack," fays one, early in the morn- 
ing, " are you afleep ? " " Why ? " replied the 
other. " Becaufe if you are not, I will borrow 
half-a-crown of you." " Is that all ? Then I 
am." 



THE BJX^UET OF WIT. 125 
Piovano Ar lotto. 

As he was once preparing to go a journey, 
feveral of his friends requefted him to make pur- 
chafes for them in the town to which he was 
going, but all, except one, neglected to fupply 
him with money for the purpofe. He only exe- 
cuted the commimon of this one ; fo that, on his 
return, the others called upon him, and re- 
proached him for his inattention to their willies. 
" You muft know, my friends," faid Arlotto, 
" that in the courfe of my journey I came to 
the fide of a river, and there I took out the 
papers that contained your commimons, to look 
them over ; on a fudden a guft of wind arofe, 
and carried all the papers down the ftream, ex- 
cept one, which, as it had money in it, was too 
heavy to be blown away." 



Root and Branch. 

Sarah, Duchefs of Marlborough, was accuf- 
tomed to make an annual feair, to which me in- 
vited all her relations. At one of thefe family 
meetings {he drank their health, adding, " What 
a glorious fight it is to fee fuch a number of 
branches flourifhing from one root ! " but obferv- 
ing Jack Spencer laugh, infifted on knowing what 



126 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

occafioned his mirth, and promifed to forgive 
him, be it what it would. " Why, then, madam," 
faid he, " I was thinking how much more all the 
branches would flourifh if the root were under- 
ground." 

Craniology. 

In a certain company, the converfation having 
fallen on the fubjecl: of craniology, and the organ 
of drunkennefs being alluded to, a lady fuggefted 
that this mud be a barrel-organ. 



Iffpoken in Irijh. 

Louis XIV. afked Count Mahony one day if 
he underftood Italian ? <c Yes, pleafe your Ma- 
jefty," anfwered the count, " if it was fpoken in 
Irifli." 

A Simile. 

There were two members of the Houfe of 
Commons named Montagu Matthew and Mat- 
thew Montagu, the former a tall handfome man, 
and the latter a little man. The Speaker once 
having addrefled the latter as the former, Mon- 
tagu Matthew obferved it was ftrange he mould 
make fuch a miftake, as, though their names 
might be confounded by a tranfpofition, there was 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 127 

as great difference between them as between a 
horfe cheftnut and a chejinut horfe. 



Very thin indeed. 

An Irifhman, meeting an acquaintance, thus 
accofted him, "Ah, my dear, who do you think 
I have juft been fpeaking to ? Your old friend 
Patrick. Faith and he is grown fo thin, I hardly 
knew him ; to be fure, I am thin, and you are 
thin, but he is thinner than both of us put to- 
gether." 

Undone. 

Some thieves met a man, and, after robbing 
him, bound him and laid him under a hedge ; 
they presently after met another man, whom 
they alfo bound and laid on the other fide of the 
hedge. The firft prefently exclaimed, with a 
heart-rending figh, "Oh ! I'm undone, I'm un- 
done ! " upon which the other bawled out, and 
defired that he would come and undo him alfo. 



How to rife early. 

An Irifhman fome time fmce paid an extra- 
ordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a 
reafon, " That as he loved to rife early, he had 



128 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

nothing to do but to pull the Jlring, and he could 
wake him f elf " 



Drunkennefs. 

Marfhal Saxe, in one of his campaigns on the 
Rhine, going his rounds in the encampment, 
was met by a foldier who had that evening 
liberally facriticed to Bacchus, and who, laying 
hold of the bridle of the marfhal's horfe, afked 
him what wds the price of it, for that he 
wanted a horfe. The marfhal, perceiving the 
ftate he was in, had him taken to the provoft. 
The next morning he fent for him, and afked 
him, "How much he would give for the horfe ?" 
The foldier, become perfectly fober, anfwered 
him, " General, the merchant who yefterday 
evening felt inclined to purchafe your horfe, 
went off early this morning." 



Two material faults in a Sermon. 

Paul Whitehead, the ingenious and witty 
writer, being told that the fermons of a certain 
preacher were printed, " They ought," faid he, 
" to print the preacher, for the principal merit 
of his fermons is the delivery." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT 129 
Matrimonial Lottery. 

A traveller in the United States gives a curious 
account of a matrimonial lottery, which was 
founded there with beneficial effects, however 
fingular it may feem. 

" I was paffing," fays he, " through the State 
of South Carolina, and in the evening arrived in 

the fuburbs of the town of , where I had an 

acquaintance, on whom I called. I was quickly 
informed that the family was invited to a wed- 
ding in a neighbouring houfe -, and on being 
requefted, I changed my clothes and went with 
them. As foon as the young couple were mar- 
ried, the company was feated, and a profound 
filenceenfued. A young lawyer then arofe, and 
addreffed the company very eloquently ; and in 
finishing his difcourfe, begged leave to offer a 
New Scheme of Matrimony, which he believed 
would be beneficial ; and, on obtaining leave, 
he propofed c That one man in the company 
mould be feledted as prefident ; that this prefi- 
dent mould be duly fworn to keep entirely fecret 
all the communications that mould be forwarded 
to him in his official department that night ; 
and that each unmarried gentleman and lady 
fhould write his or her name on a piece of paper, 
and under it the name of the perfon they wifhed 
to marry ; then hand it to the prefident for in- 

K 



130 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

fpeclion ; and if any gentleman and lady had 
reciprocally chofen each other, the prefident was 
to inform each of the refult ; and thofe who had 
not been reciprocal in their choice, kept entirely 
fecret.' 

" After the appointment of the prefident,, 
communications were accordingly handed up to 
the chair, and it was found that twelve young 
gentlemen and ladies had made reciprocal choices; 
but whom they had chofen, remained a fecret to 
all but themfelves and the prefident. The con- 
verfation changed, and the company refpe&fully 
retired ! 

" Now hear the conclufion. I was paffing 
through the fame place on the 16th of March 
following, and was informed that eleven of the 
twelve matches had been folemnized ; and that 
the young gentlemen of eight couple of the 
eleven had declared that their diffidence was so 
great, that they certainly mould not have ad- 
drefled their refpective wives, if the above 
fcheme had not been introduced." 



Wejlminjler Election. 

During the poll for the Weftminfter election 
between Mr. Fox, Lord Hood, and Sir Cecil 
Wray, a dead cat was thrown on the huttings ; 
one of the adherents of the latter obferved, it 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 131 

flunk worfe than a Fox. " No wonder," faid 
Mr. Fox, u confidering it is a pole cat." 



Precedent. 

Jafon Magnus was a celebrated lawyer of 
Pifa. One day being engaged in a caufe with 
another lawyer, of the name of Socin, and find- 
ing himfelf fomewhat embarrafTed by his adver- 
fary, took it into his head to fabricate a law at 
the moment, which gained him his caufe. Socin 
perceived the trick, and as he was not lefs 
cunning, he immediately overturned Magnus's 
reference by another not lefs precife. Jafon, 
who had never heard of fuch a law, infifted that 
Socin mould declare where it was to be foundo 
" It is to be found," replied Socin, "in the next 
chapter to that you have juft referred to." 
Lorenzo de Medicis, who was prefent, much 
applauded this repartee, and the whole affembly 
were entertained by this novel kind of argument. 

Scotch Bull. 

A few years ago, the magiftrates of a certain 
Burgh, which may be (ecn in a clear day from 
the Calton Hill, upon the south fide of the Forth, 
received information of the theft of a cart wheel. 
Highly incenfed at the circumftance, they re- 



132 THE BANQUET OF [FIT. 

folved to fpare no pains to difcover the offender : 
and hearing next morning that a recruiting party 
which had been quartered in the town was 
about to march to another ftation, they caufed 
the whole of their knapfacks to be fearched. 



Bull PraBicaL 

A gentleman had a cafk of Aminean wine, 
from which his servant ftole a large quantity. 
When the mafter perceived the deficiency, he 
diligently infpedted the top of the calk, but could 
find no traces of an opening. u Look if there 
be not a hole in the bottom," faid a byftander. 
li Blockhead," he replied, " do you not fee that 
the deficiency is at the top, and not at the 
bottom ? " 

Self-Conqueft. 

There is nothing more true than that maxim 
of Rochefoucauld which fays, " when our paf- 
fions leave us, we fancy that we leave them." 
A general when upwards of eighty years of age, 
obferving fome young officers making a little free 
with a lady, faid to them, in a paffion, " Fie ! 
gentlemen, what do you mean ? Do I ever fet 
you fuch an example ? " 



THE BJN^UET OF WIT. 133 

Shots. 

A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of 
the Houfe of Lords in the affair of Captain 
Porteus, and telling of the variety of fhots which 
were fired upon that unhappy occafion, was afked 
by the Duke of Newcaftle, what kind of ihot it 
was? "Why," faid the man, in his broad 
dialect, " fuch as they fhoot fools (fowls) wi', an' 
the like." "What kind of fools?" fays the 
Duke, smiling at the word. " Why, my lord, 
dukes (ducks) an' fie kin' o' fools." 



Sermon to the Purpofe. 

Dean Swift once preached a charity fermon 
at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which dif- 
gufted many of his auditors ; which coming to 
his knowledge, and it falling to his lot foon 
after to preach another fermon of the like kind 
in the fame place, he took fpecial care to avoid 
falling into the former error. His text was, 
" He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto 
the Lord,, and that which he hath given will he 
pay him again." The Dean, after repeating his 
text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, 
added, " Now, my beloved brethren, you hear 
the terms of this loan ; if you like the fecurity, 



i 3 4 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

down with your duff" It is worthy of remark, 
that the quaintnefs and brevity of this fermon 
produced a very large contribution. 



He or his Brother? 

One of twin brothers having died, a fellow, 
who met the furvivor, afked, " Is it you or your 
brother, that's dead ? " 



Ignorant Mayor. 

In the reign of Charles I. a mayor of Norwich 
actually fent a fellow to prifon for faying, that the 
Prince of Wales was born without ajhirt. 



Over Politenefs. 

The witty and licentious Earl of Rochefter 
meeting with the great Ifaac Barrow in the park, 
told his companions that he would have fome fun 
with the rufty old pot. Accordingly, he went 
up with great gravity, and, taking off his hat, 
made the Doctor a profound bow, faying, "Doctor, 
I am yours to my fhoe-tie." The Doctor, 
feeing his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, 
and returned the bow, with, " My Lord, I am 
yours to the ground." Rochefter followed up 



THE BANQUET OF WIT 135 

his falutation by a deeper bow, faying, " Doctor, 
I am yours to the centre." Barrow with a very 
lowly obeifance, replied, " My Lord, I am yours 
to the Antipodes." His lordfhip, nearly gravelled, 
exclaimed. " Doctor, I am yours to the loweft 
pit of Hell." " There, my Lord," faid Barrow, 
farcaftically, " / leave you" and walked off. 



Good for Tirade. 

The late well-known Sandy Wood, Surgeon 
in Edinburgh, was walking through the ftreets 
of that city during the time of an illumination 
when he obferved a young rafcal, not above 
twelve years of age, breaking every window he 
could reach, with as much induftry as if he had 
been doing the moft commendable action in the 
world. Enraged at his mifchievous difpofition, 
Sandy feized him by the collar, and alked him 
what he meant by thus deflroying the people's 
windows. " Why, it's all for the good of trade," 
replied the young urchin, "I am a glazier" 
"All for the good of trade, is it?" faid Sandy, 
raifing his cane, and breaking the boy's head. 
"There, then, that's for the good of my trade. 
I am ^furgeon" 



136 THE BANQUET OF IV IT. 
A Clergyman and a Tar. 

A clergyman chofe for his text the following 
words : " Which of you will go up with me to 
Ramoth Gilead ? " Then paufing, he again and 
again repeated the words, when a gallant tar 
ftarted from his feat, and looking around him 
with an eye full of indignation, he exclaimed, 
" Will none of you go with the worthy gentle- 
man ? Then, blow me, I will go myfelf." 

Judgment. 

" Silence ! keep filence in the court ! " faid, 
one day, an angry judge. " Why will you not 
keep filence ? Here we have judged a dozen 
caufes this morning, and have not heard a word 
of one of them." 



Irifh Officer. 

An Irifh officer, travelling in company with a 
bald gentleman, had defired the waiter of the 
inn where they put up the nrfr night, to wake 
him early in the morning, as he had fome letters 
to write before leaving the place. Previous to 
his beginning his journey he had got his head 
fhaved ; forgetting this laft circumftance, when 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 137 

the waiter aroufed him as ordered, Paddy, 
fcratchinghis pate, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, 
" You wretch of a waiter ! by jabers, you have 
wakened the bald man injiead of me." 



Prince Leopold of Brunjwick. 

In the year 1785 Prince Leopold of Brunfwick, 
fon of the reigning Duke, loft his life in endea- 
vouring to relieve the inhabitants of a village that 
was overflowed by the Oder, which had burft its 
banks in feveral places, and carried away houfes, 
bridges, and everything that oppofed its progrefs. 
This amiable Prince was {landing by the fide of a 
river, when a woman threw herfelf at his feet, 
befeeching him to give orders to fome perfons to 
go and refcue her children, whom, bewildered by 
the fudden danger, fhe had left behind in the 
houfe. Some foidiers, who were in the fame 
place, were aifo calling out for help. The Prince 
endeavoured to procure a flat-bottomed boat, but 
none could be found to venture acrofs the river, 
although he offered large fums of money, and 
promifed to fhare the danger. At laft, moved 
by the cries of the unfortunate inhabitants of the 
fuburbs, and being led by the fenfibility of his 
difpofition, he took the refolution of going to 
their afliftance himfelf. Thofe who were about 
him endeavoured to difluade him from the hazar- 



138 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

dous enterprife ; but touched to the foul by the 
diftrefs of thefe miferable people, he nobly replied, 
" What am I more than either you or they ? I am 
a man like yourfelves, and nothing ought to be at- 
tended to here but the voice of humanity. " Un- 
fhaken, therefore, in his refolution, and in fpite of 
all entreaties, he immediatelyembarked with three 
watermen in a fmall boat, and crofled the river : 
the boat did not want more than three lengths 
of the bank when it ftruck againft a tree, and in 
an inftant they all, together with the boat, dis- 
appeared. A few minutes after, the Prince rofe 
again, and fupported himfelf a fhort time by 
taking hold of a tree j but the violence of the 
current overwhelmed him, and he never appeared 
more. The boatmen, more fortunate, were all 
faved, and the Prince alone became the victim of 
his humanity. 

Englifh Bull. 

The Irifh have been generally confidered as a 
blundering nation ; but perhaps they are not 
more likely to commit errors of this nature than 
ourfelves. No Irimman ever uttered a better 
bull than did an honeft John, who, being afked 
by a friend, " Has your fifter got a fon or a 
daughter ? " replied, " Upon my word, I don't 
know whether I am an uncle or an aunt." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 139 
Teji upon Teft. 

It is a high degree of pleafure to put a deter- 
mined jefter to filence. Chevalier Harcourt 
was of this character. He introduced the Count 
d'Effars to a lady of quality, faying, in prefenting 
him to her, "Madam, this is the Count d'Effars, 
who is not fuch a fool as he feems." The 
Count anfwered, " Yes, madam, and this is the 
only trait in which I differ from the Chevalier." 

Suicide. 

It often requires more courage to fupport life 
than to deftroy it. M. Bois Robert, after having 
given his friend an account of the trying reverfes 
he had fuffered during the iron reign of Robef- 
pierre, " Well," added he, " what would you 
have done in my place in fuch extremities ? " 
" What! me ?" anfwered the confidential friend ; 
"I mould have put myfelf to death." "I did 
more," replied the other, coolly, " I lived." 



Throw Phyjic to the Dogs. 

When the celebrated Beau Nafh was ill, Dr. 
Cheyne wrote a prefcription for him. The next 
day the doctor coming to fee his patient, in- 



140 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

quired if he had followed his prefcription. "No, 
truly, Do&or," faid Nafh, " if I had I fhould have 
broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two pair 
of {fairs window." 



Antiquarians. 

An antiquarian meeting with the following 
infcription on a road-port. : 

KEE 
PONT 
HIS 
SIDE 

it ftruck him as a valuable piece of difcovery, 
and directly went to communicate it to the 
Society. 

Ea/ily Earned. 



A dignified clergyman, going to his living to 
fpend the fummer, met near his houfe a comical 
old chimney-fweeper, with whom he ufed to chat. 
u So, John," fays the DocSlor, " whence come 
you ? " " From your houfe, fir," fays Mr. Soot, 
" for this morning I fwept all your chimneys." 
"How many were there?" fays the Doctor. 
" No lefs than twenty," fays John. " Well, and 
how much a chimney have you ? " " Only a 
milling apiece, fir." "Why, then," quoth the 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 141 

Doctor, " you have earned a great deal of money 
in a little time." " Yes, yes," fays John, 
throwing his bag over his moulder, " we black 
coats get our money eafy enough." 



Sigifmund. 

The Emperor Sigifmund was reproached for 
rewarding inftead of deftroying his enemies, as 
by that means he gave them an opportunity to 
injure him. "What," faid the noble-minded 
monarch, u do not I deftroy my enemies when I 
make them my friends ?" 

An Irijh Officer. 

An Irifn officer had the misfortune to be dread- 
fully wounded in one of the battles in Holland. 
As he lay on the ground, an unfortunate foldier, 
who was near him, and was alfo feverely wounded, 
made a terrible howling, when the officer ex- 
claimed, " Hold yer row, will ye ? Do you think 
there is nobody killed but your felj ?" 

Sign of a Hatchment. 

As two Irifh foMiers were palling through 
Chippenham, one of them obferving the Borough 



1 42 IRE BANQUET OF IVIT. 

Arms (which have the appearance of a hatchment) 
on the Town Hall door, accofted his comrade 
with " Arrah Pat, look up, what is that fign ?" 
" Botheration," cries Pat, " 'tis no fign at all, 
'tis only a fign that fomebody's dead that lives 
there." 

No Bad Exchange. 

" How are you this morning ? " faid Fawcett to 
Cooke. " Not at all myfelf" fays the tragedian. 
"Then I congratulate you," replied Fawcett, 
" for be whoever elfe you will, you will be a 
gainer by the bargain." 



A Soldier s Prayer. 

A foldier, juft before the battle of Fontenoy, 
having forgot his prayers, repeated this grace : 
" For what I am going to receive, the Lord make 
me thankful." 



A Good Apology. 

In the Court of Seffion in Scotland, the Judges 
who do not attend, or give a proper excufe for 
their abfence, are, by law, liable to a fine. This 
law, however, is never enforced ; but it is com- 
mon on the firft day of the feffion, for the ab- 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 143 

fentee to fend an excufe to the Lord Prefident. 
Lord Stonefield having fent fuch an excufe, on 
the Prefident mentioning it, the late Lord Juflice 
Clerk Braxfield faid, in his broad dialect, " What 
excufe can a ftout fallow like him hae?" "My 
Lord," faid the Prefident, " he has loft his 
wife." " Ah ! " replied his Lordfhip, who was 
married to a wife with a bad temper. " Has he ? 
that is a gude excufe indeed ; I wifh we had a' 
the fame." 

Lord Chatham. 

His eloquence was of every kind, tranquil, 
vehement, argumentative, or moralifing, as beft 
fuited the occafion. In 1764 he maintained the 
illegality of general warrants with great energy 
in the Houfe of Commons. " By the Britifh 
conftitution," faid he, " every man's houfe is his 
caftle } not that it is furrounded with walls and 
battlements, for it may be a ftraw-built fried. 
Every wind of heaven may blow around it, all 
the elements of nature may enter in ; but the 
king cannot, the king dares not." 

Charles V, 

He one day obferved very fhrewdly to an am- 
baffador of Henry VIII., King of England, 
u Your mafter would not give himfelf the airs he 



i 4 4 THE BANQUET OF IV IT. 

does, were it not that his dominions are fur- 
rounded by a herring pond?' ' 



Forgetting their Griefs. 

One of the clergy of the celebrated Fenelon, 
Archbifhop of Cambray, congratulating himfelf, 
in Fenelon's prefence, for having effected the 
abolition of the cuftom of the peafants to dance 
on Sundays and prayer-days, M. Fenelon replied, 
" Mr. Re£tor, let us refrain from dancing ; but 
let us permit thefe poor people to dance. Why 
mould we prevent them from forgetting for a 
moment the extent of their griefs ? " 

A Noted Author. 

An Irifhman, on feeing an acquaintance read- 
ing, exclaimed, " Arrah, honey ! an* who's the 
author o' that work ? " " Pat, my jewel, an' how 
can I tell you that fame?" "Why, my dear, 
look at the end o't an' you'll fee that." i( 'Tis 
Finls^ rejoined the other. " Finis, is it ? A 
clever fellow that fame Finis, he writes a devil of 
a lot o' books." 

1 This may poffibly be the origin of the phrafe of 
"The herring pond " as applied to the Atlantic in modern 
Yankee llang. — Editor. 



THE BANQUET OF IV1T. 145 

To find his Addrefs. 

An Irifh gentleman called at the General Poft 
Office, and inquired whether there were any 
letters for him ; the clerk afi^ed for his addrefs, 
" Oh," faid he, " fure you will find it on the back 
of the letter." 

Where Drunkards Go. 

The late Rev. Neil M c Vicar, one of the 
minifters of the Weft Church, Edinburgh, taking 
a walk one afternoon, difcovered a woman (one 
of his parifhioners), who had got a glafs too 
much, fitting by ihe roadfide, with her bundle 
lying in the mud before her. " O, will ye help 
me up wi' my bundle, fir?" fays fhe. " Fye, 
fye, Janet, to fee the likeo' you in fuch a plight ! 
Do you know where all drunkards go to?" 
" Help me up wi' my bundle, fir, an' I'll tell ye." 
" Well, well," fays the parfon, " I mail. Now, 
anfwer my queftion." " Weel, tae tell ye the 
truth, fir, — juft whar a drap o' guid drink is to be 
gotten." 

A Mouthful 

It was lately faid in the Parliament Houfe, 
Edinburgh, that a gentleman (who was known 

L 



146 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

to have a pretty good appetite) had eaten away 
Yiisfenfes. " Poh !" replied another, Ci they would 
not be a mouthful to him." 



Ah Epitaph. 

A lady had juft married a gentleman who was 

a tolerable poet. One day fitting alone with him, 

fhe faid, ci Come, my dear, you write upon other 

people, prithee write fomething for me; let me 

fee what epitaph you will beftow upon me when 

I die." " Oh ! my dear ! " replied he, " that is 

a melancholy fubjecl:, prithee don't think of it." 

<( Nay, upon my life you mall," adds fhe, " come, 

I'll begin : " 

" Here lies Bid ! ,1 

To which he anfwered, 

"I wifh fhe did!" 



Felony. 

Queen Elizabeth being much enraged againft 
Dr. Hay ward, author of the " Life of Henry 
IV.," had ordered her law officers to proceed 
againft him ; and, amongft others, inquired of 
Bacon, sC if there was not treafon in the book?" 
The witty lawyer readily anfwered, " No, ma- 
dam, I cannot anfwer for there being treafon in 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 147 

it, but I am certain it contains much felony." 
" How ! " eagerly exclaimed her Majefty, " How 
and wherein ? " " In many paiTages," replied he, 
" which he has ftolen from Tacitus." 



A Moving Speech. 

An indifferent pleader afked Catulus, " Have 
I not fucceeded in making a very moving fpeech ? " 
" Certainly," faid he, " for moil of your audience 
walked out of court." 



A King is but a Man. 

Charles XII. of Sweden went early one 
morning to confult his prime minifter. He was 
in bed, and Charles was obliged to wait till he 
rofe. Charles pafTed the time in walking with a 
foldier, whom he found in the outer chamber. 
At lad the minifter appeared and made many 
apologies. The foldier, extremely confufed for 
having accofted his fovereign with fo much free- 
dom, threw himfelf at his feet, and faid, " Sire, 
forgive me, for I really took you for a man." 
4t You have done no harm, friend," faid the King, 
" your miftake was natural ; for although every 
man cannot be a king, yet a king is but a man, 
after all." 



148 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

CariJJimi. 

Carimmi, a famous compofer of mufic, being 
praifed for the eafe and grace of his melodies, 
ufed to exclaim, " Ah, with what difficulty is 
this eafe acquired !" 

Marmontel. 

When Marmontel was a fchoolboy his matter 
chaftifed him for fome youthful offence, which 
he refented by fo fevere a lampoon that he was 
under the neceffity of running away. Being 
afraid of returning to his parents, he entered 
himfelf as a private foldier in a regiment com- 
manded by the Prince of Conde ; and in the year 
that he obtained a halbert, this celebrated poet 
wrote his charming hiftory of Belifarius. Many 
applications were made for his difcharge, which 
the Prince always withftood, declaring it to be 
the moft flattering honour he could poffibly re- 
ceive to have fuch a man as Marmontel a fer- 
geant in his regiment. Once a year, at the 
general review, this diftinguifhed individual ap- 
peared in his ftation, and multitudes always 
crowded to fee him. After the review was over, 
Marmontel had invariably the honour to dine 
with his illuftrious colonel and the principal 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 149 

officers of the army, by whom he was efteemed 
to admiration. 



Doffor Glover. 

The late Dr. Glover, well known for being 
one of the beft companions in the world, was re- 
turning from a tavern one morning early, acrofs 
Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, " A 
chair ! your honour, a chair ! " Glover took no 
notice, but called his dog, who was a good way 
behind, " Scrub, Scrub, Scrub ! " " Och, in- 
deed," fays the chairman, "there goes a pair o' 
ye ! " The facetious doctor gave his country- 
man half-a-crown for the merry witticifm. 

Attorneys and Apothecaries, 

Rabelais fays, " The attorneys are to the law- 
yers what the apothecaries are to the phyficians, 
only they do not deal in fcr up les." 

Crofs Anjwers. 

A prifoner being brought up to Bow Street, the 
following dialogue pafled between him and the 
fitting magiftrate : " How do you live ? " u Pretty 
well, fir; generally, a joint and puddingat dinner." 
" I mean, fir, how do you get your bread ? " u I 



150 THE BANQUET OF JV1T. 

beg your worfhip's pardon — fometimes at the 
baker's, and fometimes at the chandler's fhop." 
" You may be as witty as you pleafe, fir, but I 
mean fimplyto afkyou, how doyou do?" "Toler- 
ably well, I thank your worfhip. I hope your wor- 
fhip is well." 

Abfurd Reafon. 

A man faid, he " would not go on the Tea, be- 
caufe all his anceftors were drowned." Another 
replied, " If they had died in their beds he might 
fay he would not go to bed for the fame reafon." 



The Irijhm'ans Triumph. 

An Irifhman faw the fign of the " Rifing 
Sun " near the Seven Dials, and underneath was 
written A. Moon^ the man's name who kept it 
being Aaron Moon. The Irifhman, thinking he 
had difcovered a just caufe for triumph, roars 
out to his companion, " Only fee, Phelim, fee 
here ! they talk of the Irifh bulls ; only do but 
fee now ! here's a fellow puts up the Rifing 
Sun and calls it A Moon." 

Forlorn Hope. 

During a ftorm, the pafTengers on board a 
vefTel that appeared in danger feized different 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 151 

implements to aid them in fwimming, and one 
of the number felected for this purpofe the 
anchor ! 

A Tenth. 

An Irifhman, fpeaking of the rapacity of the 
clergy in exacting their tithes, faid, " By jabers, 
let a farmer be ever fo poor, they won't fail to 
make him pay their full tenths, whether he can 
or not ; nay, they would inftead of a tenth take 
a twentieth if the law permitted them." 



Retort Veritable. 

A woman who was not a teetotaller once 
walking with her hufband, remarked that it 
rained, for me had juft got a drop in her eye. 
" Nay, my dear," faid her hufband, " that you 
got before you left home." 



The Cranes. 

Signor Currado, of Naples, had a fervant 
named Chinchillo, who, one night, to treat his 
miftrefs, cut off the leg of a crane that was 
roafting for his mailer's fupper, who thereupon 
afked him what was become of the crane's other 
leg. Chinchillo immediately fwore that cranes 



1 52 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

had but one leg. The next morning, as he was 
riding behind his matter, he made him, in order 
to convince him that he was right, obferve feveral 
cranes at rooft upon one leg; but his matter 
fhouting, they put down their other leg ; where- 
upon Chinchillo, perceiving that he was angry, 
cried out, " How lucky it was that you did not 
fhout laft night ! for your crane would have put 
down the other leg, and have flown away as 
thefe did, and your flipper would have gone 
too." 

A Maker of Bulls. 

Mr. Amner going through a ftreet in Wind- 
for, two boys looked out of a pair of flairs win- 
dow, and cried, " There goes Mr. Amner, that 
makes fo many bulls." He, hearing them, 
looked up, faying, u You rafcals ! I know you 
well enough, and if I had you here I'd kick you 
down ftairs." 

David Hume. 

David Hume, palling one day by the back of 
Edinburgh Caftle, where the ground at that time 
was very fwampy, and the footpath narrow, in- 
advertently tumbled into the bog, where he 
ftuck, not being able to extricate himfelf. A 
wafherwoman happening to pafs at the time, 









THE BANQUET OF WIT. 153 

looked at him, and was travelling on, when he 
fhouted after her to lend him her affiftance. 
" Na, na," replied the woman, " you are Hume 
the Deifl!' > "Well, well, no matter; but you 
know, good woman, your Chriftian charity com- 
mands you to do even good to your enemies." 
" Na, I winna," anfwered the woman, a unlefs 
youfirft repeat the Creed and the Lord's Prayer." 
Having no alternative, he was forced to accede 
to the pious woman's terms. 



Duke of Luxembourg. 

The Duke of Luxembourg, who fo often de- 
feated King William the Third, was a man of 
ungracious figure, having a protuberance on his 
back. King William, enraged at the lofs of a 
great battle, exclaimed, when retreating, in the 
prefence of his officers, " What ! fhall that 
Haunchback always beat us ? " This expreflion 
being repeated to Luxembourg, " How, in the 
name of wonder," faid he, fmiling, " does King 
William know that I am haunchbacked ? He 
never faw my back, but I have often feen his-." 

Rabelais. 
There is a ftory of the famous Rabelais, who, 
when he was at a great diftance from Paris, and 



154 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

without money to bear his expenfes, got together 
a convenient quantity of brick-duft, and having 
difpofed of it in feveral papers, wrote upon one, 
" Poifon for Monfieur ; " upon a fecond, " Poi- 
fon for the Dauphin ; " and on a third, " Poifon 
for the King." Having made this provifion for 
the royal family of France, he laid his papers fo 
that his landlord, who was an inquifitive man 
and a good fubjecl:, might get fight of them. 
The plot fucceeded as he defired ; the hoft fe- 
cured his gueft, and gave immediate intelligence 
to the fecretary of flate. The fecretary pre- 
fently fent down a fpecial mefTenger, who brought 
the traitor to Court, and provided him at the 
King's expenfe with proper accommodation on 
the road. As foon as he appeared, he was known 
to be the celebrated Rabelais, and his powder, 
upon examination, being found very innocent, 
the jeft was only laughed at, for which a lefs 
eminent droll would have been fent to the 
galleys. 

The Dying Citizen. 

A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to 
his creditors' ears, " Farewell," faid one, " there 
is fo much of mine gone with him." <c And he 
carried as much of mine," faid another. One 
hearing them make their feveral complaints, faid, 
" Well, I fee now, that though a man can carry 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 155 

nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may 
carry a great deal of other men's." 



Art of tormenting. 

The ingenious author of the " Art of Torment- 
ing " fays, you are never to marry a widow unlefs 
her firft hufband was hanged; for this plain reafon, 
that fhe will be eternally twitting and upbraiding 
you by repeatedly faying, what a charming dear 
man her firft hufband was. 



Innocent Joy. 

A little girl, who knew very well the painful 
anxiety which her mother had long fuffered 
during a tedious courfe of litigation, hearing that 
fhe had at laft loft her lawfuit, innocently cried L^' 
out, " Oh, my dear mamma, how glad I am 
that you have loji that nafty lawfuit^ which ufed 
to give you fo much uneafinefs ! " 

What is Beauty ? 

A good-looking Englishman as he was travel- 
ling among the Alps attracted much notice ; but 
the natives thought his perfon deficient in one 
important point (the goitre) which they flattered 



156 THE BANQUET OF WIT, 

themfelves was a local beauty. " How completely 
handfome," they faid, cc this Englifhman would 
be, if he had, like us, a fwelling under his 
throat ! " 



Contempt of Danger. 

Charles XII. of Sweden's contempt of danger 
and his ardent purfuit of glory, cannot fail to 
command the admiration of mankind. When 
his horfe was killed under him at the battle of 
Narva, he leaped nimbly upon a frefh one, fay- 
ing jocofely, " Thefe people will • keep me in 
exercife." 

Carneades. 

This philofopher faid, " Princes learn nothing 
well but riding, for their tutors flatter them, and 
thofe who contend with them in games fuffer 
themfelves to be beaten ; but a horfe knows not 
whether a prince or a peafant be on his back ; 
and if his rider cannot rule him, he throws him 
without ceremony." 



Srnart Reply. 

Judge Jeffries, of notorious memory, pointing 
with his cane to a man who was about to be 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 157 

tried, faid, " There is a great rogue at the end of 
my cane ! " The man to whom he pointed, 
looking at him, faid, " At which end, my 
lord?" 

Ireland. 

A native of one of the Hebrides, being joked 
about the fmallnefs of his ifland, the moft cen- 
tral place not being four miles from the fea,- 
an Irifhman in company joined in the laugh, ex- 
ultingly fwearing, " that no part of ould Ireland 
was half fo near it." 



A Feeling Reply. 

When Milton was blind he married a fhrew. 
The Duke of Buckingham called her a rofe. " I 
am no judge of flowers," replied Milton ; " but 
) it may be fo, for I feel the thorns daily." 



^uick Digejlion. 

Foote, rattling one evening in his green room, 
with great wit and brilliancy, as he ufually did, 

the Duke of C , who was prefent, and feemed 

highly entertained, cried out, u Well, Foote, you 
fee I fwallow all the good things." "Do you, my 
lord duke ? " fays the other ; " then I congratu- 



1 58 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

late you on your digefHon, for I believe you never 
threw up one of them in your life." 



Black Dyeing. 

" What's the beft receipt for dyeing black ? " 
u Hanging," faid a wag, who overhead the dif- 
pute. 

To protecl the Remainder. 

In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the 
Irifh Houfe of Commons, the then Chancellor of 
the Exchequer obferved, with great emphafis, 
" that in the profecution of the war every man 
ought to give his laft guinea to protect the re- 
?nainder." 



Splitting the Difference. 

Two Irifhmen having travelled on foot from 
Chefter to Barnet, were exceedingly tired and 
fatigued with their journey, and the more fo 
when they were told they had about ten miles 
to London. " By St. Patrick ! " cries one of 
them, cc it is but five miles apiece, let us e'en 
walk on." 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 159 



A Minor. 

Lady Wallace, overtaking a gentleman of her 
acquaintance who was walking along in a thought- 
ful mood, flapped him on the back, and cried out, 
" Pray, fir, can you tell me how old I am ? " 
" Madam/' replied he, turning round, " I can- 
not be very exacl, but you certainly have not 
arrived at years of difcretion" 



A Double Bull 

There appeared in "Faulkner's Journal" the 
following erratum : " For her grace the duke of 
Dorlet, read his grace the duchefs of Dorfet." 



The Way to Heaven. 

As Dean Swift was once upon a journey, at- 
tended by a fervant, they put up at an inn, where 
they lodged all night. In the morning the Dean 
called for his boots. The fervant immediately 
took them to him. When the Dean faw them, 
Ct How is this, Tom ? " fays he ; " my boots are 
not cleaned." " No, fir," replied Tom ; " as 
you are going to ride, I thought they would foon 
be dirty again." " Very well," faid the Dean; 
"go and get the horfes ready." In the mean 



160 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

time the Dean ordered the landlord to let the man 
have no breakfaft. When the fervant returned, 
he afked if the horfes were ready. " Yes, fir," 
fays the fervant. " Go and bring them out, 
then," faid the Dean. "I have not had my 
breakfaft yet, fir," replied Tom. " Oh, no 
matter for that," fays the Dean; "if you had 
you would foon be hungryagain." Theymounted, 
and rode off. As they rode, the Dean pulled a 
book out of his pocket, and began to read. A 
gentleman met them, and, feeing the Dean 
reading, was not willing to difturb him, but 
patted by till he met the fervant. " Who is that 
gentleman ? " faid he to the man. u My mafter, 
fir," faid Tom. u I know that, you blockhead," 
faid the gentleman; "but where are you going?" 
" We are going to heaven, fir," fays Tom. 
" How do you know that ? " faid the gentleman. 
" Becaufe I am fafting, and my mafter is 
praying." 

Who's Afraid? 

A failor coming acrofs Blackheath one evening 
was flopped by a footpad, who demanded his 
money, when a fcuffle enfued. The tar took 
the robber, and bore away with his prize to a 
juftice of the peace at Woolwich. When the 
magiftrate came to examine into the aflault, he 
told the failor that he muft take his oath that the 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 161 

robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwife he 
could not commit him. The failor, looking fted- 
faftly at the juftice, anfwered, " He ! put me in 
bodily fear ! No, nor any that ever lived; there- 
fore, if that is the cafe, you may let him go, for 
I'll not fwear to fuch a lie." 



Epigram. 

The lovely hair that Galla wears 

Is hers — who could have thought it ? 

She fwears 'tis hers ; and true fhe fwears, 
For I know where Jhe bought it. 

The Irijh Cock Feeder. 

A gentleman having engaged to fight a main 
of cocks, directed his feeder to the country, who 
was an Irifhman, to pick out two of the belt, and 
bring them to town. Paddy, having made his 
fele£Hon, put the two cocks together in a bag, 
and brought them with him in the mail coach. 
When they arrived, it was found that upon the 
journey they had almoft torn each other to 
pieces j on which Paddy was feverely taken to tafk 
for his ftupidity in putting both cocks into one 
bag. " Inded," faid the honeft Hibernian, " I 
thought there was no riik of their falling out, as 
they were going to fight on the fame fide '. " 

M 



1 62 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Scottifli Perfeverance. 

A perfon in the Weft of Scotland, who had 
engaged in the manufacture of a certain descrip- 
tion of goods then recently introduced into that 
part of the country, found it neceflary, or con- 
jectured it might be profitable, to eftablifh a per- 
manent connection with fome refpectable mer- 
cantile houfe in London. With this defign, he 
packed up a quantity of goods, equipped himfelf 
for the journey, and departed. Upon his arrival, 
he made diligent inquiry as to thofe who were 
likely to prove his beft cuftomers; and, accord- 
ingly, proceeded to call upon one of the moft 
opulent drapers, with whom he refolved to efta- 
blifh a regular correfpondence. When Saunders 
entered the draper's mop, he found it crowded 
with purchafers, and the clerks all buftling at 
the back of the counter, handing out their feveral 
wares to their refpedtive cuftomers. Saunders 
waited what he thought a reafonable length of 
time ; then he laid down his pack, his bonnet, 
and ftaff upon the counter, and inquired, in his 
broad Scotch dialed, for "the head o' the houfe." 
One of the clerks afked what he wanted. The 
Scotchman's anfwer was, as ufual, a queftion : 
" Want ye aught in my line, fir ? " " No," was 
the prompt reply of the perfon interrogated, who 
accompanied his monofyllabic negative with a 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 163 

look of contempt for the mean appearance of the 
itinerant Scotch merchant. " Will ye no tak a 
look o' the gudes, fir ? " was Saunders' next 
query. " No, not at all ; I have not time," re- 
plied the clerk; "take them away, take them 
away." " Ye'll aiblins (perhaps) find them worth 
your while ; and I doubtna but ye'll buy," faid 
Saunders, as he coolly proceeded to untie and 
unftrap his burden. " Go away, go away," was 
reiterated half-a-dozen times with great im- 
patience ; but the perfevering Scotchman ftill 
perfifted. " Get along, you old Scotch fool ! " 
cried the clerk, completely out of temper, as he 
pumed the already expofed contents off the 
counter ; cc get along." Saunders looked up in 
the individual's face with a wide mouth and an 
enlarged pair of eyes, then looked down to his 
eftate that lay fcattered among his feet, looked 
up again, and exclaimed, "And wull ye no really 
buy aught; but ye dinna ken; ye hae'na feen the 
gudes yet ; " and fo faying, he flowly gathered 
them up, and replaced them on the counter. 
" Get out of the mop, fir," was the peremptory 
and angry command that followed his laft appeal. 
Saunders, with great gravity and felf-pofiemon, 
faid, " Are ye in earneft, frien' ? " Ci Yes, cer- 
tainly," was the reply ; and that reply was fuc- 
ceeded by an unequivocal proof of fincerity on the 
part of the perfon who made it, when he picked 



1 64 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

up Saunders' bonnet, and whirled it out into the 
ftreet. The cool Scotchman ftalked deliberately 
and gravely in queft of his Stewarton u head- 
gear." After giving it two or three hearty flaps 
upon the wall without the door, he re-entered 
very compofedly, wringing the moifture out of it, 
looked over to the perfon who had ferved him fo, 
and faid, with a genuine Scotch fmile, " Yon was 
but an ill-faured turn, man; ye'll furely tak a look 
o' the gudes noo." The mafter draper himfelf, 
who was ftanding all the while in the mop, ad- 
miring the patience and perfeverance of the old 
man, and feeling a little compunction for the un- 
ceremonious manner in which he had been 
treated, examined the contents of the pack, found 
them to be articles he flood in need of, purchafed 
them, ordered an additional regular fupply, and 
thus laid the foundation of an opulent mercantile 
houfe that has now flourifhed for fome genera- 
tions. 

Perfojialities. 

Mr. Serjeant Gardiner being lame of one leg, 
and pleading before the late Judge Fortefcue, 
who had little or no nofe, the Judge told him, 
u He was afraid he had but a lame cafe of it." 
" Oh ! my lord," faid the Serjeant, " have but a 
little patience, and I'll warrant I prove every 
thing as plain as the nofe on your face " 



THE BJX^UET OF J FIT. 165 



A Biter Bit. 

It was faid of a great calumniator, and a fre- 
quenter of other perfons' tables, that he never 
opened his month but at another man's expenfe. 



A Miftake. 

When Mrs. Robinfon publifhed her " Sappho 
and Phaon," fhe wrote a note to Mr. Boaden, 
the newfpaper editor, in the following terms : — 

" Mrs. R would thank her friend Boaden 

for a dozen puff's for c Sappho and Phaon,' " By 
a miftake of the penny poft, this note was de- 
livered to Mr. Bowden, the paftry-cook in the 
Strand, who fent her this anfwer : — " Mr. Bow- 
den's refpectful compliments to Mrs. R , 

mail be very happy to ferve her ; but as Mrs. 

R is not a cuftomer, he cannot fend the 

puffs for the young folks without firft receiving 
the money." 

Nature 'will out. 

A young woman of Dublin, apprehenfive of 
fome unhappy effect from an illicit amour which 
fhe had for fome time carried on with a Dutch 
failor, mentioned her fituation to a friend, who 



1 66 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

advifed her to place her future offspring to her 
young mafter, as being the richer man of the 
two. " I was thinking of that," replied the fair 
one, " but then you know the child will difcover 
all when it begins to /peak Dutch.'" 



James I. and Buffoon. 

King James I. gave all manner of liberty and 
encouragement to the exercife of buffoonery, and 
he took great delight in it himfelf. Happening 
once to bear fomewhat hard on one of his Scotch 
courtiers. " By my faul," returns the peer, 
" he that made your majefty a king, fpoiled the 
beft fool in Chriftendom." 



Good Liquor. 

A country vicar in the Eaft Riding of York- 
fhire, giving his text out of Hebrews, pronounced 
it He brews 10 and 12 (meaning the chapter 
and verfe). An old toper, who fat half under 
the pulpit, thinking he talked of brewing fo many 
bufhels to the hogfhead, " By the Lord," faid 
he, "and no bad liquor neither." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 167 

Bait for the Devil. 

An excifeman walking by a river, efpied a boy 
fifhing, who knew him to be of that honourable 
profeffion. " My pretty lad," fays he, " what doft 
thou fifh for ? " « I fifh for the Devil," replied 
the boy, " but I want the right bait to catch 
him." "What bait is that?" fays the other. 
" Indeed, fir, I have been told there is no better 
bait in the world than an excifeman." 



Falfe Colours. 

Voltaire, when in London, being at a great 
rout with Lord Chefterfield, a lady in company, 
very much painted, engrofled his converfation. 
Chefterfield tapped him on the moulder, faying, 
" Take care you are not captivated." " My 
lord," replied Voltaire, " I fcorn to be taken by 
an Englifh bottom under French colours." 

A Miracle enhanced. 

A painter, intending to defcribe the miracle of 
the fifties liftening to the preaching of St. An- 
thony of Padua, painted the lobfters ftretching 
out of the water red; having probably never 
feen them in their native ftate. Being quef- 



1 68 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

tioned on this, and afked how he could juftify 
his reprefenting the lobfters as boiled, he extri- 
cated himfelf by obferving that the miracle was 
the greater. 



Heroifm of a Peafa?it. 

A great inundation having taken place in the 
north of Italy, owing to an exceffive fall of fnow 
in the Alps, followed by a fpeedy thaw, the river 
Adige carried off a bridge near Vienna, except 
the middle part, on which was the houfe of the 
toll-gatherer or porter, and who, with his whole 
family, thus remained imprifoned by the waves, 
and in momentary danger of deftrudtion. They 
were difcovered from the banks, ftretching forth 
their hands, fcreaming and imploring fuccour, 
while fragments of this remaining arch were 
continually dropping into the water. 

In this extreme danger, a nobleman who was 
prefent held out a purfe of one hundred fequins, 
as a reward to any adventurer who would take a 
boat and deliver this unhappy family. But the 
rifk was fo great of being borne down by the 
rapidity of the ftream, of being dafhed againft 
the fragment of the bridge, or of being crufhed 
by the falling ftones, that not one in the vaft 
number of fpecl:ators had courage enough to 
attempt fuch an exploit. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 169 

A peafant patting along was informed of the 
propofed reward. Immediately jumping into a 
boat, he, by ftrength of oars, gained the middle 
of the river, brought his boat under the pile, and 
the whole family fafely defcended by means of a 
rope. "Courage!" cried he; "now you are 
fafe." By a ftill more ftrenuous effort, and 
great ftrength of arm, he brought the boat and 
family to more. " Brave fellow," exclaimed the 
count, handing the purfe to him, " here is the 
promifed recompenfe." " I mail never expofe 
my life for money," anfwered the peafant, " my 
labour is a fufficient livelihood for myfelf, my 
wife, and children. Give the purfe to this poor 
family, which have loft all." 



PufDrefs. 

An old general ufed to drefs in a fantaftic 
manner, by way of puff. It is true people would 
fay, " Who is that old fool ? " but it is as true 
that the anfwer was, " That is the famous 
General , who took fuch a place." 



Strange Tale. 

Lord being out of town, his houfe was 

left in charge of a female fervant. The plate 



170 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

was lodged at the banker's. A letter came to 
fay that his lordfhip would be in town on fuch 
a day, and defiring that the plate might be got 
ready the evening before. The fervant took 
the letter to my lord's brother, who faid there 
was no doubt of the handwriting. The banker 
exprefled the fame certainty, and delivered the 
plate. 

The fervant being apprehenfive of thieves, 
fpoke to their butcher, who lent her a flout dog, 
which was mut up in the room with the plate. 
Next morning a man was found dead in the room, 
his throat being torn by the dog ; and upon exa- 
mination it proved to be my lord's brother. The 
matter was carefully hufhed, and a report fpread 
that he was gone abroad. 



Smoking them. 

The late Lord S having one day entered 

the Parliament Houfe, Edinburgh, found it full 
of fmoke ; on which he remarked, " Gentlemen, 
what fhall be done ? It's all over with us if 
they fmoke us." 

Confanguinity \ 

A good-humoured wife abufing her hufband 
on his mercenary difpofition, told him that if 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 171 

me was dead he would marry the devil's elded 
daughter if he could get anything by it. "That's 
true," replied the hufband, "but the worft of it 
is, one cannot marry two fifters." 



Reafons for Playing the Fool. 

A certain facetious gentleman being afked by 
an honourable lounger why he fo often played 
the fool, replied, " For the fame reafon that you 
do, out of want ; you play the fool for want of 
wit, and I for want of money." 

Sir Thorn as Robinfon. 

Sir Thomas was a tall, uncouth man, and his 
stature was often rendered ftill more remarkable 
by his hunting drefs — a poftillion's cap, a tight 
green jacket, and buckfkin breeches. He was 
liable to fudden whims ; and once fet off on a 
fudden, in his hunting fuit, to viiit his father^ 
who was married and fettled at Paris. 

He arrived while there was a large company 
at dinner. The fervant announced Mr. Robinfon, 
and he came in, to the great amazement of the 
guefts. Among others, a French abbe thrice 
lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it 
down, with an eager ftare of furprife. Unable to 
reftrain his curiofity any longer, he burft out with 



172 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

" Excufe me, fir, are you the famous Robinfon 
Crufoe fo remarkable in hiftory ? " l 



His Cafe. 

A poor blind fiddler paffing a narrow bridge, 
dropped into the water his fiddle and cafe. He 
was bewailing his lofs to the byftanders, and re- 
lating the diftreffes it would occafion to his poor 
family, when a gentleman gave him a (hilling, 
and told him he fincerely pitied his cafe. " Ah ! 
sir," replied the man, " if I could get my fiddle 
back, I fhouldn't care about the cafe." 

1 This gentleman, as it may readily be conceived, was 
often the fubjecl: of Foote's farcafms. Sir Thomas was in 
the habit of often calling at Foote's, but although the 
eccentricity of his manners made him a fit fubjecl: for the 
wit of Foote, the latter fometimes found his vifits un- 
feafonable. Hence directions were given to the porter as 
to Sir Thomas. At the firft denial, Sir Thomas eluded 
the porter by ftepping into the hall to look at the clock, 
from whence he found his way into Foote's apartment j 
the fecond time Sir Thomas eluded the porter's vigilance 
by pretending to jabber with Jocko, Foote's monkey ; and 
the third time Sir Thomas furmounted the determined re- 
fiftance of the porter to admiffion by ftriding upilairs to 
converfe with the parrot. The next vifit the porter re- 
ceived him with a full front oppofing his entrance, and 
the following declaration : " Sir Thomas ! my mafter is 
abroad ; the monkey is dead ; the parrot is mute j and 
the clock ftands ftill." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 173 



In the Shade. 

A country gentleman walking in his garden, 
faw his gardener aileep under an arbour. 
" What ! " fays he, " aileep inftead of at work ; 
you idle dog, you are not worthy that the fun 
fhould fhine on you." " I am truly fenfible of 
my unworthinefs," anfwered the man, " and 
therefore I laid my f elf down in the Jhade." 



The Centre of Gravity. 

Curran ufed to tell, with infinite humour, of an 
adventure between him and a maftiff when he 
was a boy. He had heard fomebody fay that any 
perfon throwing the fkirts of his coat over his 
head, ftooping low, holding out his arms and 
creeping backward, might frighten the fierceft 
dog and put him to flight. He accordingly made 
the attempt on a miller's animal in the neighbour- 
hood, who would never let the boys rob the orchard, 
but found to his forrow that he had a dog to deal 
with who did not care which end of a boy went 
foremoft, fo as he could get a good bite out of 
it. " I purfued the inftructions," faid Curran, 
" and, as I had no eyes fave thofe in front, fancied 
the maftiff was in full retreat ; but I was con- 
foundedly miftaken, for at the very moment I 



i 7 4 THE BANQUET OF JV1T. 

thought myfelf victorious, the enemy attacked 
my rear, and having got areafonably good mouth- 
ful out of it, was fully prepared to take another 
before I was refcued. Egad, I thought for a time 
the heart had devoured my entire centre of gravity, 
and that I mould never go on a fteady perpen- 
dicular again." " Upon my word, Curran," 
faid the gentleman whom he was addreffing, "the 
maftiff may have left you your centre, but he 
could not have left much gravity behind him 
among the byftanders." 



An Afs. 

A man feeing in the Rue des Petits Peres, an 
old woman who drove fome afles, faid to her, 
"Adieu, mother of afTes." "Adieu, adieu, my 
fon," anfwered fhe. The man felt his ears grow 
as he walked along. 



Politenefs. 

An officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon- 
ball pafTed over his head, and took off the head of a 
foldier who ftood behind him. " You fee," faid 
he, (i that a man never lofes by politenefs." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 175 

Well-grounded Complaint. 

An old gentleman drinking coffee for break- 
faft, began to grumble moft heartily ; his Ton 
haftily afked him the reafon. " At the quantity 
of grounds in my cup, boy," replied he. " Ah, 
then," faid the fon, " you certainly have many 
grounds for grumbling." 

Generojity. 

Henry IV. (of France) was of fo generous a 
nature, that he ordered Vitry, captain of his body 
guards, to receive into his company the man who 
wounded him at the battle of Aumale. The 
Marfhal D'Eftrees being one day in the king's 
coach, while the foldier was riding by the fide of 
it, he pointed to him, and faid, " There is the 
foldier who wounded me at the battle of Aumale." 



Edward Murphy, Efq. 

One of the moft celebrated dramatic writers, a 
friend of his, has often related with great glee the 
following anecdote refpe£Hng the " Apprentice." 
Mr. Murphy, when he firft prepared his coup 
dejfai for the ftage, had compofed it without the 
character of Wingate, the hero's (Dick) father. 
Mr. M. had an uncle, a trader in the city, that 



176 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

had often endeavoured to enrich his mind with 
economical maxims, and to prove to him the 
ufeleiTnefs of literature. Mr. Murphy, conceiv- 
ing himfelf to be ftill a favourite with his uncle, 
notwithstanding his dereliction of the mercantile 
path he had chalked out for him, expected a hand- 
fome legacy at his death, and on the faith of it, 
with juvenile imprudence, incurred a debt of two 
hundred pounds. On the deoeafe of the uncle, 
he found there was not a farthing bequeathed to 
him. In great anxiety about his embarraffment, 
he at laft reflected on the leflbns of old Jeffrey, 
and thought he would not make a bad figure as 
a character in his farce. He accordingly brought 
him forward as old Wingate, recommending 
Cocker's Arithmetic as the only book worthy of 
being ftudied, and keeping very clofely to the 
language and fentiments of his worthy relation. 
The added perfonage tended considerably to the 
great fuccefs of the performance; c< So," faid Mr. 
Murphy, u I made old Jeffrey at laft extricate 
me from my difficulties." 

Inquijitivenejs anfwered. 

A perfon, meeting a coal merchant, inquired 
what a chaldron of coals would come to ? The 
coal merchant began to confider, and knowing 
that the queftion was put to him from idle 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 177 

curiofity, deliberately anfwered : " Sir, if they're 
well burnt, they'll come to ajhes." 



"The Bar. 

A tavern-keeper, at a late affizes, feating him- 
felf too near the attornies, one of them remarked 
he was not in his place, not being one of their 
profeffion. " You are wrong, fir," anfwered he, 
" I have the honour to praclife at the bar ! " 



Lord Rofs. 

The reprobate Lord Rofs, being on his death- 
bed, was defired by his chaplain to call on God. 
He replied, " I will if I go that way, but I don't 
believe I fhall." 

Quaint Epitaph, 

Dr. Fuller was very much pleafed with the 
conceit of his epitaph, made by a boon com- 
panion : — 

" Here lies Fuller's Earth ! " 

Incredible Facf. 

The Abbe Regnier, fecretary of the French 
Academy, was collecting in his hat from each 

N 



178 THE BANQUET OF JVIT. 

member a contribution for a certain purpofe. 
The prefident, Rofes, one of the forty, was a 
great mifer, but had paid his quota, which the 
Abbe not perceiving, he prefented the hat a 
fecond time. Rofes, as was to be expected, faid 
he had already paid. " I believe it," anfwered 
Regnier, " though I did not fee it." " And 1," 
added Fontenelle, who was befide him, " I faw it, 
but I do not believe it." 



Premature. 

A man married a girl who brought him a child 
in fix weeks. His friends rallying him, and fay- 
ing the child had come too foon, " You are mif- 
taken," anfwered he, u it was the ceremony 
which was too late." 



Quin. 

Quin fometimes faid things at once witty and 
wife. Difputing concerning the execution of 
Charles I., " But by what laws," faid his oppo- 
nent, " was he put to death ? " Quin replied, 
" By all the laws he had left them." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 179 

Elegant Compliment. 

A French officer, being juft arrived at the 
court of Vienna, and the Emprefs hearing that 
he had the day before been in company with a 
great lady, afked him if it were true that fhe was 
the moft handfome princefs of her time. The 
officer anfwered, with great gallantry, " Madam, 
I thought fo yefterday." 

Plato. 

Diogenes, paying Plato a vifit, trod on his rich 
carpets with his dirty feet. " See," faid he, 
" how I trample on the pride of Plato." 
" True," faid Plato, " but with that greater pride 
which apes humility." 

William Pitt. 

The fafhionable hours in vogue in his day 
were neatly cenfured by him. " Mr. Pitt," faid 
the Duchefs of Gordon, " I wifh you to dine 
with me at ten this evening." " I muft decline 
the honour," faid the premier, lc for I am en- 
gaged to fup with the Bifhop of Lincoln at 



i8o THE BANQUET OF WIT. 



Plutarch. 

His advice to the unfortunate is very ingenious 
and ought to be confolatory. " Confider," fays 
the philofopher, " you equal the happieft men in 
the one half of your life at lead : that half I 
mean which you fpend in Jleep." 



Porfon. 

Some perfon talked to the ProfefTor in the 
raoft exaggerated terms, of the poems that had 
been publifhed by Sir James B. Burgefs and 
P. Pybus ; and this puffer afferted that they 
would obtain more fame in time to come than 
Homer, Virgil, or Milton. " No doubt," faid 
Porfon, " they will be praifed by all mankind 
when Homer, Virgil, and Milton are forgotten, 
and — not before." 

Alderman Guzzle. 

A conftant frequenter of city feafts having 
grown enormoufly fat, it was propofed to write 
on his back : Widened at the expenfe of the Corpo- 
ration, 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 181 

Retort Matrimonial. 

A termagant unto her hufband faid, 

One time when matrimonial fqualls blew high, 
IC You and the devil furely are related." 

" Only by marriage,'' was his quaint reply. 



Expenfe. 

Queen Caroline once had a mind to fhut up 
St. James's Park, and make a garden of it for the 
palace, and afked Sir Robert Walpole what he 
thought would be the expenfe of it. " Oh 
Madam," faid he, " a mere trifle." " A trifle, 
fir ! I know it muft be expenfive, but wifh you 
would tell me as near as you can guefs." " Why, 
Madam, I believe the whole would coft you but 
three crowns.'" a Sir Robert," faid fhe, " I will 
think no more of it." 



A Practical Bull. 

In the Irifh rebellion, J. E. Beresford, a pri- 
vate banker and member for Dublin, rendered 
himfelf fo very obnoxious to the rebels, in con- 
fequence of his vigilance in bringing them to 
punifhment, that whenever they found any one 
of his bank-notes in plundering a houfe, the 



i8z THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

general cry was, " By jabers ! we'll ruin the 
rafcal ! we'll deftroy every note of his we can 
find," and they actually deftroyed, it is fuppofed, 
upwards of £20,000 of his notes during the re- 
bellion. 

Half Way and Back. 

An old gentleman, who had been accuftomed 
to walk round St. James's Park every day, was 
afked by a friend whom he met in the Mall, if 
he continued to take his ufual walk. " No, 
fir," replied the old man, " it is too far for me 
to walk round the Park ; but I will tell you what 
I do inftead, I go half round and back again." 

The Pretender. 

There is fufficient evidence to prove that the 
Pretender was in London in the year 1753. He 
was obferved in broad day in St. James's Park 
by feveral perfons, and Mr. Hume, the hiftorian, 
happening to meet Lord Holderneffe, who was 
Secretary of State at the time, told him all he 
had heard on the fubjecl:, adding, that probably 
this piece of intelligence had efcaped his lordfhip. 
" By no means," faid he, " and who do you think 
firft told me the Pretender was in London ? It 
was the King himfelf, who added, * And what do 
you think, my lord, I fhould do with him ? ' ' 



THE BANQUET OF TV IT. 183 

Lord Holdernefle confefled he was puzzled how 
to reply. The King perceived his embarrafT- 
ment and extricated him from it by faying, " My 
lord, I fhall juft do nothing at all ; and when he 
is tired of England he will go abroad again." 

This ftory ought to be generally known, as a 
remarkable proof of the moderation 2nd prudence 
of King George II. 



Pfalmanazar. 

He endeavoured to impofe upon the public by 
pretending to be a native of an ifland called For- 
mofa. One day as he was enlarging upon its 
beauties, a gentleman who had no great relifh 
for his flights of fancy, remarked to him, fC If 
this ifland be in the latitude you defcribe, the fun 
muft fhine perpendicularly down the chimneys 
and put all the fires out." " Oh, fir," faid 
Pfalmanazar, without any hefitation, " the inhabi- 
tants are aware of this inconvenience, and fo all 
the chimneys are built obliquely." 

Daft Sandy Miller. 

Formerly in Alloa Houfe there was a ftrange 
half-witted fervant, of the name of Sandy Miller, 
whofe principal bufinefs it was to attend to the 
coal bunkers or receptacles, of which there was 



i8 4 THE BANQUET OF JV1T. 

one in every flat of that large manfion. Sandy- 
was fometimes negligent, fo that the bunkers ran 
empty before he obferved ; and on fuch occafions 
he generally received fuch a dreadful fcold, either 
from his mafter, or from the other fervants, that 
his life for the time was miferable. At length, 
Sandy was one day fuddenly taken ill, and given 
up for loft, when a clergyman was fent for to 
adminifter to him the fpiritual offices proper to a 
death-bed. Poor Sandy liftened very attentively 
to what was faid by the minifter, and after prayers 
were over, mentioned with a felf-fatisfied figh 
that there was one thing in particular that gave 
him great confolation in this, his dying hour. 
" What may that be, Sandy ? " faid the clergy- 
man. " Oh, fir," anfwered the dying man, " #' 
the hunkers are filled ! " 



A 'Trifling Difference, 

Mr. Coke, of Norfolk, was able to boaft of 
what no other man in this country ever did, or 
probably ever will be able to boaft of, viz., of 
having two daughters, the eldeft of whom was old 
enough to be the great-grandmother of the 
youngeft. Mr. Coke's eldeft daughter was fixty 
years of age, and the youngeft only two! Lady 
Anne Coke, the mother-in-law of the "girl of 
fixty," was at that time about five-and-twenty ! 






THE BANQUET OF W IT. 185 

Paddy s XJJe of Chocolate. 

The porter of a Dublin grocer was brought 
up by his mafter before a magiftrate, on a charge 
which he could not deny. Upon being afked to 
whom he had fold it, the pride of Patrick was 
greatly wounded. " To whom did I fell it ? " 
fays Pat, <c why, does he think I took the choco- 
late to fell? " " Then, fir," faid the magiftrate, 
"what did you do with it?" "Do with it? 
Since you muft know," faid he, " I made tay 
with it." 

Royal Birthdays. 

ct Sufan," faid an Trim footman to his fellow- 
fervant, " what are the bells ringing for again ? " 
" In honour of the Duke of York's birthday, Mr. 
Murphy." " Be aify, now," rejoined the Hiber- 
nian, u none of your blarney 5 fure, 'twas the 
Prince Regent's on Tuefday, and how can it be 
his brother's to-day, unlefs, indeed, they are 
twins." 

Painting by Mnjic. 

The painter, Gerard Laireffe, previous to his 
leaving Amfterdam, where he had made a con- 
fiderable fortune, had been invited to the houfe 
of an eminent painter, who requefted he would 



1 86 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

favour him with one of his performances. He 
confented ; but the painter and his pupils were 
greatly aitonimed when Lairefle, inftead of draw- 
ing a painting, pulled from under his cloak a 
violin, on which he played fome airs. He after- 
wards took up the pencil, fketched the fubjedt 
which he propofed to execute, refumed his violin, 
played a few airs, then returned to the palette, and 
continued alternately playing and painting, till, in 
the fpace of three hours, Lairefle had completed 
an exquifite painting. It was always through the 
affiftance of his violin that this celebrated artift 
performed his works. 



A French Bull. 

Triboulet, the fool of Francis I., was threa- 
tened with death by a man in power, of whom 
he had been fpeaking difrefpe&fully, and he ap- 
plied to the King for protection. " Be fatisfied," 
faid the King, " if any man mould put you to 
death, I will order him to be hanged a quarter of 
an hour after." " Ah, fir," replied Triboulet, 
u I mould be much obliged if your Majefty would 
order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour 
before." 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 187 

Origin of Whigs. 

Do£tor Johnfon, not long before his death, 
afked a literary character, of revolutionary prin- 
ciples, who was the firft Whig. " I can't im- 
mediately recollect, fir," replied the gentleman. 
"Then I'll tell you : the devil was, and he got 
kicked out of heaven for it." 

Hint for Anglers. 

An Irifhman, angling in the rain, was obferved 
to keep his line under the arch of the bridge. 
Upon being afked the reafon, he gave the follow- 
ing anfwer : " To be fure the fifties will be after 
crowding there to keep out of the wet." 

Legal Claim. 

Calcraft being afked on what ground he 
claimed the clothes of thofe he hanged, anfwered, 
"As their executor" 

Highland Oath. 

To prove the fuperior idea of fanclity which 
this imprecation conveys to thofe who have been 
accuftomed to it, it may be fumcient to relate the 
expreffion of a Highlander, who, at the Carlifle 



i88 THE BANQUET OF WH. 

affizes, had fworn pofitively in the Englifh mode 
to a fa£t of confequence. His indifference during 
that folemnity having been obferved by the oppo- 
site party, he was required to confirm his tefti- 
mony by taking the oath of his own country to 
the fame. " Na, na," faid the mountaineer, in 
the Northern dialect ; "dae ye no ken that thair 
is mickle odds betwixt blawing on a buik, and 
damning anes ain faul ! " 



Origin of the term "Jawing" 

Old Defmaizeaux, a man of wit and pleafantry, 
was drinking his coffee at Slaughter's Coffee 
Houfe, when two ftrangers came in, and began a 
warm difpute about fome fubjecl: of literature. 
One of them was very polite and moderate, for 
he had reafon on his fide; the other was rude and 
violent, for he was wrong. After fome time the 
moderate man, unable to bear the violence of his 
adverfary any longer, left the room. Scarce was 
he gone before the furious champion, flufhed 
with his victory, turned about to D., and faid, 
" Well, fir, don't you think I have mauled my 
antagonift finely ? " " Yes, fir," replied the old 
man, cc that you have ; and if ever I mould fight 
the Philiftines, I mould wifh to make ufe of your 
jaw bone." Whence to jaw any one, &c, is 
termed " jawing. " 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 189 
Turning the Back. 

In this and all the countries of Europe, to turn 
the back upon perfons of rank or in authority is 
confidered highly improper, a ftriking inftance of 
which may be feen in the mode in which mef- 
fengers from the Lords retreat along the floor of 
the Houfe of Commons. In the interior of 
Africa it is quite otherwife ; there the court 
aflemble round the fovereign with their backs to 
him. 

Strange Will, 

Mr. John Langley, an Englishman who fettled 
in Ireland, where he died, left the following 
extraordinary will : — 

" I, John Langley, born at Wincanton, in 
Somerfetfhire, and fettled in Ireland in the year 
1 65 1, now in my right mind and wits, do make 
my will in my own handwriting. I do leave all 
my houfe, goods, and farm of Black Kettle, of two 
hundred and fifty-three acres, to my fon, commonly 
called Stubborn Jack, to him and his heirs for 
ever, provided he marries a Proteftant woman, 
but not Alice Kendrick, who called me Oliver's 
whelp. My new buckfkin breeches, and my 
filver tobacco-ftopper, with J. L. on the top, I 
give to Richard Richards, my comrade, who 



1 9 o THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

helped me off at the dorm of Clonmel, when I 
was fhot through the leg. My faid Ton John mall 
keep my body above ground fix days and fix 
nights after I am dead \ and Grace Kendrick 
fhall lay me out, who fhall have for fo doing five 
millings. My body mail be put upon the oak 
table in the brown room, and fifty Irifhmen mail 
be invited to my wake, and every one fhall have 
two quarts of the beft aqua vitce^ and each one 
a fkein, dim, and knife laid before him. And 
when the liquor is out, nail up my coffin, and 
commit me to the earth, whence I came. This 
is my will. Witnefs my hand, this 3rd of March, 
1674. " John Langley." 

Some of Mr. Langley's friends afked him why 
he would be at fuch expenfe in treating the Irifh- 
men, whom he hated. He replied that if they 
got drunk at his wake, they would probably get 
to fighting, and kill one another, which would do 
fomething towards lefTening the breed. 



A BulL 

An Irifh gentleman, going to the poft office, 
inquired if there were any letters for him ? 
" Your name, fir ? " faid the clerk. " There is 
a good one ! " faid the Hibernian j " why, won't 
you fee it on the back of the letter ? " 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 191 



Mother Wit. 

The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very- 
young girl, was romping with fome other little 
mifTes near a mill-dam, and was often very in- 
cautioufly approaching the brink of the water, 
when Lady Maxwell, her mother, called out to 
her, " For God's fake, girl, be more cautious, or 
you will moft certainly tumble into the water, 
and be drowned." " I'll be damned if I do, 
mamma," replied the young punfter. " Oh, 
child," remarked the mother, " that wit of yours 
will one day prove your ruin." u I'm fure, then, 
it won't be mother-wit" retorted the little minx. 



The Referve. 

A gentleman mowing his friend his curiofities 
of pictures, &c., in his gallery ; on the other's 
praifing them all very much, he gave him a 
choice of any one of them as a prefent. The 
ftranger fixed his election on a tablet in which 
the ten commandments were written in letters 
of gold. " You muft excufe me there," replied 
the gentleman, " thofe I am bound to keep." 



192 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Politenefs of a Mayor. 

At the time when Queen Elizabeth was 
making one of her progrefles through the king- 
dom, a mayor of Coventry, attended by a large 
cavalcade, went out to meet her Majefty, and 
ufher her into the city with due formality. On their 
return they pafTed through a wide brook, when 
Mr. Mayor's horfe feveral times attempted to 
drink, and each time his worfhip checked him, 
which the Queen obferving, called out to him, 
" Mr. Mayor, let your horfe drink, Mr. Mayor." 
But the magiftrate, bowing very low, modeftly 
anfwered, " Nay, nay, may it pleafe your Ma- 
jesty's horfe to drink fir ft." 



Tolerably Keen. 

A Scotch nobleman of no bright parts, chat- 
ting with the late Duchefs of Devonfhire, fhe 
afked how it happened that the Scots in general 
made a much better figure from home than in 
Scotland. " Oh," fays he, " nothing is fo eafily 
accounted for. For the honour of the nation, 
perfons are ftationed at every egrefs to fee that 
none leave the country but men of abilities." 
"Then," returned fhe, "I fufpe£t your Lord- 
fhip was fmuggled." 






THE BANQUET OF WIT 193 
A Parfons Dread. 

In a ftorm at Tea the chaplain afked one of the 
crew if he thought there was any danger. " Oh, 
yes," replied the failor, "if it blows as hard as it 
does now, we fhall all be in heaven before twelve 
o'clock to-night." The chaplain, terrified at the 
expreflion, exclaimed, " The Lord forbid ! " 

An 'Extraordinary Fac7. 

Mr. J. Browne, an Irifh member, gravely 
ftated in the Houfe of Commons one night, that 
" the Proteftant landlords got their lands, fubjecf. 
to tithe, before there were any Proteftants at 
all." This is as good as the " fa£t " mentioned 
by the old beef-eater in the Tower, who, while 
exhibiting a curious old piftol, declared it to have 
been made before piftols were invented. 

The Innocent Phyjician. 

A Perfian author relates that a lover was 
fearching every place for a good phyfician to pre- 
fcribe to his miftrefs who was ill. He met a 
perfon who pofTefTed a talifman which enabled 
the pofTefTor to fee ghofts. On looking in it, 
he faw crowds of ghofts go about the door of one 
o 



i 9 4 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

phyfician, which had formerly been his patients ; 
feveral others, though not fo many, about the 
door of another doctor ; at laft, at one door he 
faw only a Jingle ghoft. He immediately called 
on the doctor, and with many compliments to his 
(kill and fuperior practice, defired his advice. 
" My fuperior practice," cried the do£tor, "why, 
I never had but two patients in my life." 






The Compliment returned. 

A lady of great accomplishments vifiting a 
man of wit, was much pleafed with the difplay of 
his talents, and complimented him on them at 
her departure. " Madam," replied the bard, 
modeftly, " I am only an inftrument, and you 
have fhown your fkill in playing on me." 

Too Deep. 

During one of our retreats in the laft Dutch 
campaign, when the army was flouncing through 
the mud in a part of the road uncommonly bad, 
a company of the Guards was much fcattered I 
the commanding officer called out to the men to 
form two deep. " D — n me ! " fhouts a grena- 
dier, from between two mountains of mud, " I 
am too deep already." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 195 

Refemb lance and Reprefentation. 

A prince, rallying the fatnefs of a courtier who 
had ferved in many embattles, faid he looked like 
an ox. " I know not," faid the courtier, "what 
I am like, but I know that I have often had the 
honour to reprefent your majefty." 

Good Toaft. 

Dr. Brown, chaplain to the Bifhop of Here- 
ford, dining one day with his lordfhip, in com- 
pany with a young lady to whom he paid his 
addrefTes, was afked for his toaft after dinner ; 
when the Bifhop, perceiving him to hefitate, 
cried, " Oh, I beg your pardon, doctor ; your 
toaft is not yet Brown." 

yefuits in a Storm. 

Two Jefuits, on their pafTage for America, 
were defired by the mafter to go down into the 
hold, as a ftorm was coming on j that they need 
not apprehend any danger as long as they heard 
the feamen curfe and fwear, but if once they were 
filent and quiet, he would advife them to betake 
themfelves to prayers. Soon after the lay 
brother goes to the hatches, to hear what was 



196 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

going forward, when he quickly returned, faying 
all was over, for they fwore like troopers, and 
their blafphemy alone was enough to fink the 
vefTel. " The Lord be praifed for it ! " replied 
the other j " marry, then, we are fafe." 






Scarce Articles in Heaven. 

At the confecration of a cardinal, there were 
a great number of bifhops fitting in an amphi- 
theatre under the dome of the Sorbonne, where 
the ceremony was performed ; when a lady pre- 
fent, aftonifhed with the fpe&acle, exclaimed, 
" What a fine fight this is to fee all thefe bifhops 
fitting in fuch order ! methinks I am in heaven." 
" In heaven," replied the gentleman who fat next 
her; "why, madam, there are not in heaven 
half fo many bifhops as you fee here." 



Idiot's Reply. 

" How fhameful it is that you mould fall 
afleep," faid a dull preacher to his drowfy au- 
dience, " while that poor creature," pointing to 
an idiot who flood flaring at him, "is both 
awake and attentive." " Perhaps, fir," replied 
the fool, u I mould have been afleep too, if I had 
not been an idiot." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 197 
Dean Swift's Opinion of Faults. 

Dean Swift had a moulder of mutton brought 
up for his dinner, too much done ; he fent for 
the cook, and told her to take the mutton down, 
and do it lefs. " Pleafe your honour, I cannot 
do it lefs." " But," fays the Dean, " if it had 
not been done enough you could have done it 
more, could you not ? " " Oh, yes, very eafily." 
u Why, then," fays the Dean, " for the future, 
when you commit a fault, let it be fuch a one as 
can be amended." 



Why was Woman made from a Rib ? 

A lady afked G. Selwyn why the Almighty 
made woman out of the rib. He fcratched his 
head, and faid, " Indeed I do not know, except 
it be that the rib is the molt crooked part of the 
body ! " 

Making a thing go far. 

Foote and Garrick were at the tavern together 
at the time of the regulation of the gold coin. 
The former, pulling out his purfe to pay the 
reckoning, afked the other what he mould do 
with a light guinea he had. " Pfhaw ! it is 
worth nothing," fays Garrick, " fling it to the 



198 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

Devil! " " Well, David," fays the other, "you 
are what I always took you for, ever contriving 
to make a guinea go farther than any other 



Abracadabra. 

A charm for an ague found in the fleeve of an 
old woman's gown in Yorkfhire, after her de- 
ceafe. 

"A frind of mine, and a farvant of thine, 

The aguew does terribly fhak her ; 
Pray, Mr. Devil, be verra civil, 

Firft cure her, and then you mun tak her."" 



Wooden Marfhals. 

A French officer being one day in company 
with the Marfhal Meilleraye, faid, " If I am not 
a marfhal of France, I am of the wood of which 
they are made ;" to which M. de Meilleraye 
anfwered, " Be afTured, fir, that when the king 
makes marfhals of wood, you fhall not be for- 
gotten.^ 

Making an ImpreJJion. 

A gentleman at the Rotunda, one evening, 
feeing fome wax fall from a chandelier on the 
bofom of a lady with whom he was enamoured, 
immediately took out his watch, and clapped one 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 199 

of his feals upon it. " Blefs me, fir," faid (he, 
" what are you doing? " " Only trying to 
make an imprejjion upon you, madam I " 



General Sutton and Sir Robert Walpole. 

General Sutton was very paffionate, Sir Robert 
Walpole the reverfe. Sutton being one day with 
Sir Robert while his valet de chambre was fhaving 
him, Sir Robert faid, " John, you cut me," and 
then went on with the converfation. Prefently 
he faid again, " John, you cut me," and a third 
time ; when Sutton, ftarting up in a rage, and 
doubling his fift at the fervant, fwore a great 
oath, and faid, " If Sir Robert can bear it, I 
cannot ; and if you cut your matter once more, 
I'll knock you down." 

Symptoms. 

A phyfician wifhing to inftrucT: his pupil in the 
myfteries of the fcience, took him to fee a 
patient who was confined to his bed. " Sir/' 
faid the phyfician to the fick man, u you have 
been imprudent, you have eaten oyjlers." The 
patient confeffed that he had. When the phy- 
fician returned home, the pupil afked him how 
he came to difcover that the man had eaten 
oyfters. "Why," replied he, "I faw fome 



200 THE BANQUET OF JVIT. 

oyfter-fhells under the bed." Shortly after he 
lent his pupil to pay a vifit to the fame perfon ; 
however, he foon returned, faying he had been 
turned out of the houfe ? " Why fo ? " afked the 
phyfician. " Sir," replied the pupil, " for faying 
that he had been imprudent, that he had eaten a 
horfe." " A horfe, you blockhead ! and how 
could you fay fo ? " " Becaufe, fir, of the fymp- 
toms." " What fymptoms, ignorance ?" "Be- 
caufe, fir, I faw a faddle and Jiirrups under the 
bed." 



There was a gentleman who lived in the city 
in the beginning of the reign of this monarch, 
who was fo fhrewdly fufpedted of Jacobitifm, 
that he was taken up two or three times before 
the Council, but who defended himfelf fo dex- 
teroufly, that they could fatten nothing on him. 
On the breaking out of the rebellion of 1715, 
this man, who mixed fome humour with his 
politics, wrote to the Secretary of State, that as 
he took it for granted that at a time like the pre- 
fent he fhould be taken up as ufual for a 
Jacobite, he had only one favour to beg, that if 
the adminiftration meant any fuch thing, they 
would do it in the courfe of next week ; for the 
week after he was going down to Devonfhire 
upon his own bufinefs, which, without this ex- 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 201 

planation, no doubt would be conftrued as tranf- 
a&ing the bufinefs of the Pretender. 

Lord Townfend, who was Secretary of State 
at that time, in one of his convivial moments 
with the King, fhowed him this letter, and afked 
him what his majefty would direct to be done 
with fuch a fellow ? " Poh ! poh ! " faid the 
King, " there can be little harm in a man who 
writes fo pleafantly. I'll tell you what to do : 
let him know I am willing to make a drawn 
battle of it, fo that, if he lets me alone, he may 
depend upon it I mail do the fame by him." 



Women. 

At no time of life mould a man give up the 
thoughts of enjoying the fociety of women. 
" In youth," fays Lord Bacon, " women are 
our miftrefles, at a riper age our companions, 
and in old age our nurfes, and in all ages our 
friends." 



Charles XII. of Sweden. 

As Charles XII. was dictating a letter to his 
fecretary, a bomb fell through the roof into the 
next room in the houfe where they were fitting. 
The terrified fecretary let the pen drop from his 
hand. "What is the matter?" faid Charles, 



202 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

calmly. The fecretary replied, "Ah, fir, the 
bomb ! " " But what has the bomb to do," 
faid Charles, " with what I am dictating to you ? 
— 20 on." 



An Ignorant Communicant. 

An ignorant foldier at Quebec obferving fome 
of his comrades ftay behind him at church, afked 
them, on their coming out, what was the reafon. 
They told him, jeeringly, that the parfon had 
treated them with fome wine. " No other 
liquor ? " fays the fellow. Seeing he fwallowed 
the bait, they anfwered that he might have what 
liquor he chofe. Next Sunday he ftayed to have 
his fhare ; and when the clergyman offered him 
wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of 
falutation, and faid, modeftly, " Pleafe, your 
reverence, I mould prefer punch." 



PoiJJardes, 

the haranguers, or flfhwomen, at Paris, form a fort 
of body corporate. In the time of Louis XIV., 
the Dauphin having recovered from a long ill— 
nefs, the fifhwomen deputed four of their troop 
to offer their congratulations. After fome diffi- 
culties, the ladies were admitted by the King's 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 203 

fpecial command, and conducted to the Dauphin's 
apartment. One of them began a fort of 
harangue : " What would have become of us if 
our dear Dauphin had died ? We mould have 
loft our all." The King meanwhile had entered 
behind, and, being extremely jealous of his power 
and glory, frowned at this ill-judged compliment; 
when another of the deputation, with a ready 
wit, regained his good graces by adding, " True ; 
we fhould have loft our all : for our good King 
could never have furvived his fon, and would 
doubtlefs have died of grief." The naive policy 
of this unexpected turn was much admired. 



Stupid Stories. 

A ftupid ftory or idea will fometimes make one 
laugh more than wit. Walpole was once re- 
moving from Berkeley Square to Strawberry 
Hill, and had fent off all his books, when a mef- 
fage unexpectedly arrived which detained him 
in town for that afternoon. What to do ? He 
defired his man to rummage for a book, and he 
brought him an old Grub Street thing from the 
garret. " The author," Walpole fays, " in fheer 
ignorance, not humour, difcourfing of the diffi- 
culty of fome purfuit, faid, that even if a man 
had as many lives as a cat, nay, as many lives as 
one Plutarch is faid to have had, he could' not 



204 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

accomplifh it." This odd quid pro quo furprifed 
Walpole into vehement laughter. 



Chevalier Ram/ay. 

The " Travels of Cyrus " had their vogue, 
though a feeble imitation of Telemaque, and no- 
thing can be more ftupid,or foreign to fuch a book, 
than the diftilled nonfenfe concerning the Trinity. 
The author, Chevalier Ramfay, was the fon of a 
man who had fought againft the royal forces at 
the battle of Bothwell Bridge, and who was a 
violent enthufiaft. When a tutor was wanted 
for the young Pretender, Ramfay was recom- 
mended by Fenelon. He had afterwards a place 
given him by the French court worth ^400 a 
year, and was made a knight of St. Louis. 

Before the latter compliment could be con- 
ferred it was neceflary that he mould produce 
proofs that his ancestors had been gentlemen. 
The beft way, he thought, was to claim a defcent 
from fome noble family in Scotland ; and he ap- 
plied to one of his own name, but met with a 
ftern repulfe. Lord Mar called on him while 
he was fitting much mortified with the anfwer to 
his letter in his hand ; and learning the caufe of 
his vexation, increafed it by reproaching him for 
his meannefs in applying to a houfe of fuch 
oppofite political fentiments. The Earl then took 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 205 

a pen, and wrote, " I do hereby acknowledge 
Mr. Ramfay to be defcended of my family. — 
Mar." His vanity was the more gratified by this 
fudden tranfition from extreme mortification, and 
he was immediately admitted upon this un- 
expected certificate. 



Marriage Extraordinary. 

It is fingular that the defendants of Charles I. 
and Cromwell intermarried in the fourth degree. 

Hieroglyphic. 

A farmer of the gabelle on fait had built a 
villa like a palace. Difplaying it to his friends, 
it was obferved that a ftatue was wanting for a 
large niche in the veftibule. " I mean to put 
there," faid the farmer, u fome allegorical ftatue 
relating to my bufinefs." " You may then put 
Lot's wife, who was changed to a ftatue of fait," 
anfwered one of his friends. 



French Bull. 

A married French lady, who had an intrigue, 
infifted on having her lover's portrait. He re- 
monftrated on her abfurdity, and faid it would be 



206 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

proclaiming their amour. " Oh," faid fhe, "but 
to prevent difcovery, it mall be drawn as unlike 
you as poflible." 



Spanifh Ambaffador. 

Lord Herbert of Cherbury tells a good ftory 
of a Spanifh ambaffador who had abandoned a 
congrefs becaufe he could not obtain precedence 
over the French deputy. On his return to Court 
he waited on the King, and explained the reafon 
of his conduct. " What," faid the monarch, 
" could you think of abandoning fo important a 
bufinefs for the fake of ceremony ? " The am- 
baffador, piqued at the reflection, anfwered with 
great fpirit, " A ceremony ! what is your majefty 
itfelf but a ceremony ? " x 

Example. 

Madame de Longueville was advifed to go to 
Court, in order to give it a good example. " I 
cannot," faid fhe, " fhow a better example than 
in quitting it." 

1 A momentous truth ! The abandonment of ceremony 
coft Louis XVI. his crown and life. Roufleau predicted it. 
See his " Emilius and Sophia.' 1 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 207 

A Jeji, next to no Jeft. 

Richard Owen Cambridge. 

This venerable and refpecStable character wrote 
fome papers in the " World," a periodical work 
well known. One Sunday after church, during 
the progrefs of the above publication, Mrs. Cam- 
bridge obferved him to be remarkably filent 
and thoughtful, and, being apprehensive he had 
fomething on his mind rather difagreeable, afked 
him what he was thinking of. " Upon a very 
important fubjecl:, indeed, my dear," faid he} "I 
am thinking of the next World." 

Fighting by Meafure. 

The ufual place of refort for Dublin duellifts 
is called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney of that 
city, in penning a challenge, thought moft likely 
he was drawing a leafe, and invited his antagonift 
to meet him at " the place called Fifteen Acres, 
be the fame more or lefs? y 

Irijh Servant Girl. 

A gentleman having frequently reproved his 
fervant, an Irifh girl, for boiling eggs too hard, 
requefted her in future to boil them only three 



208 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

minutes by the clock. " Sure, fir," replied the 
girl, <c how fhall I do that ? for your honour 
knows the clock is always a quarter of an hour 
faft." 

T'he late Mr. Abernethy. 

A loquacious lady, ill of a difeafe of forty years' 
ftanding, applied to Mr. A. for advice, and had 
begun to defcribe its progrefs from the firft, when 
Mr. A. interrupted her, faying he wanted to go 
into the next ftreet to fee a patient; he begged 
the lady to inform him how long it would take 
her to tell her ftory. The anfwer was, twenty 
minutes; he afked her to proceed, and hoped me 
would endeavour to finifh by the time he re- 
turned. 

Whimjical Horfe. 

There was a very fine horfe in the poiTeffion of 
Sir Henry Meux and Co., the eminent brewers, 
which was ufed as a dray-horfe, but was fo tract- 
able that he was left fometimes without any 
reftraint to walk about the yard, and return to 
the ftable, according to his fancy. In the yard 
there were alfo a few pigs of a peculiar breed, 
which were fed on grains and corn, and to thefe 
pigs the horfe had evidently an infuperable objec- 
tion, which is illuftrated by the following fa£t. 
There was a deep trough in the yard which held 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 209 

water for the horfes, to which this horfe went 
alone, with his mouth full of corn, which he 
faved from his fupply. When he reached the 
trough, he let the corn fall near it on the ground, 
and when the young fwine approached to eat it 
(for the old one kept aloof), he fuddenly feized 
one of them by the tail, popped him into the 
trough, and then capered about the yard, feem- 
ingly delighted with the frolic. The noife of the 
pig foon brought the men to his affiftance, who 
knew from experience what was the matter, 
while the horfe indulged in all forts of antics, by 
way of horfe-laugh, and then returned quietly to 
the {table. 

Legacy for eft ailed. 

The Duke of Roquelaire was making his 
teftament; he had remembered all his domeftics 
except his fteward. "I fhall leave him nothing," 
faid he, " becaufe he has ferved me thefe twenty 
years." 

The Contejl of Art. 

Zeuxis and Parrhasius. 

Many curious anecdotes are related of the 

former of thefe celebrated painters. His difpute 

with Parrhafius is thus related by Pliny. Zeuxis 

had painted fome grapes fo naturally that the 

P 



210 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

birds ufed to come and peck at them ; and Par- 
rhafius had reprefented a curtain fo artfully, that 
Zeuxis, miftaking it for a real curtain which hid 
his rival's work, ordered it to be drawn afide that 
he might fee the painting behind it. Difcovering 
his miftake, he confeffed himfelf outdone, fince 
he had only impofed upon birds, but Parrhafius 
had deceived even thofe who were judges of the 
art. Another time he painted a boy loaded with 
grapes, when the birds flew again to his picture. 
At this he was exceedingly vexed, and frankly 
acknowledged that it was not perfectly finifhed, 
fince, had he reprefented the boy as naturally as 
the grapes, the birds would have been afraid of 
him. One of Zeuxis* fineft pieces was a Her- 
cules ftrangling fome dragons in his cradle, in 
the prefence of the affrighted mother. Some are 
of opinion, however, that " Helena " was the pic- 
ture by which he gained the greateft reputation. 
He died immenfely rich. Valerius Flaccus fays 
that his death was occafioned by an immoderate 
fit of laughter, on looking at the picture of an old 
woman he had drawn. 



The NeceJJity of being very particular. 

In the fchedule appended to the " Bill for the 
Abolition of Church Rates," containing a " Lift 
of fuch things as are by this A6t required to be 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 211 

provided for the decent performance of divine 
fervice in parifh churches and chapels," we have 
the following item : " A bell with bell-rope ! " 
It may ftrike fome perfons as rather fingular that 
a " bell-rope " mould have been mentioned, it 
being pretty well underftood that a bell cannot be 
rung without a rope ; but the neceffity of being 
" very particular " in all cafes of this and a 
fimilar nature is clearly proved by the loofenefs 
with which an A£t. was framed by the Irifh Par- 
liament, and the manner in which it was evaded. 
During an infurreclion in Ireland, the Irifh col- 
lective wifdom palled an A61 rendering it compul- 
fory on the proprietor of every houfe in Dublin to 
affix a lamp on the outfide of his door, or be fub- 
je6t to a heavy penalty for not doing fo. As foon 
as the A6t came into operation, Dublin, with the 
exception of one ftreet, " flared up " in right 
good ftyle. The inhabitants of this " place of 
darknefs" were, therefore, quickly fummoned 
before the proper authorities to be punifhed for 
their " gloomy determination." The firft cafe, 
however, which was called on, decided the reft. 
Magiftrate : "Pray, Mr. Sullivan, what have you 
to fay why you mould not pay a fine of five 
pounds for not placing a lamp over your door, 
according to the Acl: of Parliament in that cafe 
made and provided ? " Defendant : " I have 
conformed to the terms of the A£L which ftates 






212 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

that the inhabitant of every houfe fhall place a 
lamp over his door — which I have done — but the 
devil of a word does the Act fay about lighting 
it !" The cafe was immediately difmifled; and 
on that very evening the claufe was amended in 
the Milefian Parliament. So much for Irijh 
legiflation. Our readers muft, therefore, fee the 
neceffity for introducing the rope. 



Value of Character. 

Colonel Chartres (who was the moft notorious 
rafcal in the world, and who had by all forts of 
crimes amaffed immenfe wealth), fenfible of the 
difadvantages of a bad character, was once heard 
to fay that although he would not give one 
farthing for virtue, he would give ten thoufand 
pounds for a charaSfer^ becaufe he mould get a 
hundred thoufand pounds by it. Is it poffible, 
then, that an honeft man can neglect what a wife 
rogue would purchafe fo dear ? 

Hackjioun of Rathillet. 

Old Hackftoun of Rathillet one day faid to 
Mr. Smibert, the minifter of Cupar, who like 
himfelf was bleffed with a foolifh, or rather wild, 
youth of a fon, *' D'ye ken, fir, that you and I 
are wifer than Solomon ? " " How can that 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 213 

be, Rathillet ? " inquired the ftartled clergyman. 
fi Ou, ye fee," faid Hackftoun, " Soloman didna 
ken whether his fon was to be a fool or a wife 
man ; but baith you and I are quite fure that our 
Jons are fools." 



A Curious Motto. 

The following ingenious quibble was whimfi- 
cally chofen fome years ago by an eminent coun- 
fellor as the motto to his arms : — 

" Si nummis immunis," 

which may be tranflated, " Give me my fee, I'll 
warrant you free." It is rather fingular that the 
words have the fame meaning, read either back- 
wards or forwards. 



Tried Men. 

In one of the engagements with the French at 
Cuddalore, the — th regiment gave way, and their 
place was immediately fupplied by a battalion of 
black infantry. A gentleman fhortly afterwards 
in company with Colonel Kennedy, then of the 
Madras Artillery, and converfing on the fubjecl:, 
faid he was furprifed they gave way. "And 
fo am I, too," faid the Colonel, " for they are all 
tried men." " How can you make that out," 



214 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

faid the gentleman, " for they are a new regi- 
ment." " Oh, by my faith," replied the Colonel, 
<c they were all longfince tried at the Old Bailey" 



the Ford. 

A Spaniard riding on a mule, and coming to a 
river where he did not know the ford, faid to a 
peafant, " May this river be paffed ? " The 
fellow anfwering tf Yes," and he proceeding, he 
was at two fteps up to the middle. " You vil- 
lain," cried he, <c why did you tell me falfe ? " 
" I told you truth," faid the clown, i{ for my 
geefe and thofe of my neighbours pafs over every 
day in the week." 



Seeing, Believing. 

A perfon faying that he would not believe there 
was any devil, becaufe he had never feen him, 
was anfwered by another, " By the fame rule, I 
fhould believe you to have neither wit nor fenfe." 

' Hogarth's Laji Work. 

A few months before Hogarth was feized with 
the malady which deprived fociety of one of its 
brighten 1 ornaments, he propofed to his matchlefs 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 215 

pencil the work he has entitled the u Tail Piece." 
The firft idea of this picture is faid to have been 
ftarted in company, while the convivial glafs was 
circulating round his own table. " My next 
undertaking," faid Hogarth, " fhall be the end of 
all things." " If that is the cafe," replied one of 
his friends, "your bufinefs will be finifhed, for 
there will be an end of the painter." " There 
will be fo," anfwered Hogarth, fighing heavily ; 
<s and therefore the fooner my work is done the 
better." Accordingly, he began the next day, 
and continued his defign with a diligence that 
feemed to indicate an apprehenfion he fhould not 
live to complete it. This, however, he did, and 
in the moft ingenious manner, by grouping every- 
thing that could denote the end of all things : a 
broken bottle, an old broom worn to the ftump^ 
the butt-end of an old mufket, a cracked bell, a 
bow unftrung, a crown tumbled in pieces, towers 
in ruins, the fign-poft of a tavern called the 
World's End falling down, the moon in her 
wane, the map of the globe burning, a gibbet 
falling, the body gone, and the chains which held 
it dropping down, Phoebus and his horfes lying 
dead in the clouds, a veffel wrecked, Time 
with his hour-glafs and fcythe broken, a tobacco 
pipe, with the laft whiff of fmoke going out, a 
play-book, opened, with exeunt omnes ftamped in 
the corner, an empty purfe, and a (tatute of 



216 THE BANQUET OF fVIT. 

bankruptcy taken out againft Nature. " So far 
fo good," faid Hogarth, on reviewing his per- 
formance, "nothing remains but this," taking 
his pencil, and fketching the refemblance of a 
painter's palette broken. " Finis ! " he then ex- 
claimed, " the deed is done ; all is over ! " It is 
a very remarkable fa£t, and not generally known, 
that Hogarth never again took the palette in his 
hand, and that he died in about a month after he 
had finifhed this " Tail Piece." 



Edmund Burke. 

Dr. Robertfon obferved that Johnfon's jokes 
were the rebukes of the righteous, defcribed in 
Scripture as being like excellent oil. " Yes," 
exclaimed Burke, " oil of vitriol ! " 

Boileau the Poet. 

A man of plain good fenfe, but totally unac- 
quainted with literature, faid once in the pre- 
fence of Boileau that he had rather be able to 
make a wig than to make a poem, adding, 
" What is the ufe of poetry, and what end does 
it anfwer ? " " This very circumftance," re- 
plied Boileau, " raifes my admiration of poetry, 
that having nothing ufeful in it, it is neverthelefs 
the delight of all men." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 217 

Envy. 

A French general, of a jealous and invidious 
character, faid to the Duke d'Anguien, who had 
juft gained the celebrated battle of Rocroi, in 
1643, "What can thofe who envy glory fay 
now ? " " I do not know," anfwered the prince ; 
" I wifli to afk you." 

A Pretty Metaphor. 

A young lady marrying a man fhe loved, and 
leaving many friends in town to retire with him 
into the country, Mrs. D. faid prettily, " She has 
turned one and twenty millings into a guinea." 



The King of Bulls, 

An Irifh baronet, walking out with a gentle- 
man, was met by his nurfe, who requefted charity. 
The baronet exclaimed, vehemently, " I will give 
you nothing. You played me a fcandalous trick 
in infancy." The old woman, in amazement, 
afked him what injury fhe had done him. He 
anfwered, " I was a fine boy, and you changed 
me." 



2i 8 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

U/e of Monafteries. 

An envoy from a foreign court to Lorenzo de 
Medici, afked this wife prince how it came to 
pafs that there were fo few madmen at Florence, 
while the capital of his country prefented great 
numbers. Lorenzo, pointing to a monaftery, 
faid, " We fhut them up in thefe houfes." 1 

Alexander the Great. 

Alexander the Great refufed to fee a beautiful 
woman whom he had made prifoner, " For 
fear," faid he, " I mould be captivated by my 
captive." 

ILmphatic Oath. 

Catherine of Medicis. 

Some time after the maflacre of St. Bartholo- 
mew, the deputies of the reformed religion were 
treating with the king, the queen-mother, and 

1 Perhaps a more fhrewd and fenfible reply was never 
uttered. Garat, in fpeaking of Robefpierre's conduct, and 
defcribing his temperament, melancholy and atrabilarious, 
fays, " The monafteries, by mutting up numbers of fuch 
men, have rendered a great fervice to fociety." "Robef- 
pierre," faid Condorfet, "is a monk, and never can be 
anything more." This remark, however, coft Condorfet 
his life j a further proof of the truth of Garat's obfervation. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 219 

fome of the council, for a peace. The articles 
were mutually agreed on, the queftion was upon 
the fecurity for performance. After fome particu- 
lars propounded and rejected, the queen-mother 
faid, u Is not the word of a king fufficient fecu- 
rity? " One of the deputies anfwered, "No, 
by St. Bartholomew, madam." 



The Abfent Man. 

P. Coule was a merchant of eminence at Paris; 
having to fign the extract: of the baptifm of one 
of his children, he figned, " Peter Coule and 
Company" He did not perceive the miftake till 
a general laugh was raifed againft him. 1 

Fear. 

Charles Guftavus (the fucceflbr of Chriftiana 
of Sweden) was befieging Prague, when a boor 
of moft extraordinary vifage defired admittance 
to his tent, and, being allowed entrance, offered, 
by way of amufing the King, to devour a whole 
hog, weighing two hundred weight, in his pre- 
fence. The old General Konigfmarc, who flood 
by the King's fide, and who, foldier as he was, 

1 This idea is utilized in one of the fongs occurring in 
" Girofle, Girofla," a modern opera bouffe. 



220 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

had not got rid of the prejudices of his child- 
hood, hinted to his royal matter that the peafant 
ought to be burnt as a forcerer. " Sir," faid the 
fellow, irritated at the remark, "if your majefty 
will but make that old gentleman take off his 
fword and his fpurs, I will eat him before your 
face, before I begin the pig." General Konigf- 
marc (who, at the head of a body of Swedes, had 
performed wonders againft the Auftrians, and 
who was looked upon as one of the braveft men 
of the age), could not ftand this propofal, efpe- 
cially as it was accompanied by a moft hideous 
and preternatural expanfion of the frightful pea- 
fant's jaws. Without uttering a word, the vete- 
ran fuddenly turned round, ran out of the court, 
and thought himfelf not fafe until he had arrived 
at his quarters. 

Mufic. 

A French officer, during his confinement in 
the Baftille, ufed to amufe himfelf with playing 
on the lute. He had long thus diverted his me- 
lancholy, when, playing one day, he obferved, to 
his great aftonifhment, a number of mice ifluing 
from their holes, and even fpiders creeping forth. 
He repeated the experiment with the fame effect 
feveral times, and even found fome entertain- 
ment in obferving the attentive audience which 
he could aflemble whenever he pleafed. We have 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 221 

no reafon to fuppofe this officer an Orpheus, yet 
it is certain that his lute captivated animals which 
might be fuppofed infenfible to " the concord of 
fweet founds." 



The Jew of Wilna. 

In the advance of the French againft Ruffia, 
a colonel, ftrolling in the fuburbs of Wilna, 
heard cries of diftrefs from a houfe, and entering 
to afcertain the caufe, he found four foldiers en- 
gaged in plundering and ill-treating an aged Jew 
and a young girl. The marauders not being 
willing to relinquifh their prey, proceeded to 
blows, but the colonel, who was an excellent 
fwordfman, laid two of the aflailants dead on the 
fpot, and drove the other two from the houfe 
feverely wounded ; he himfelf received flight 
wounds, and a ball grazed his cheek. On the 
return of the remnant of the French army, op- 
prefTed with fatigue, want, and difeafe,the worn- 
out foldier in rags fought the dwelling of the 
Jew, and with difficulty was recognized, fo com- 
pletely changed was his appearance. The Jew 
completely furnifhed his wardrobe, and con- 
trived to fend him through the hoftile armies to 
France. At the peace the colonel was obliged 
to retire on a miferable pittance, which an aged 
mother and fifter fhared. He had forgotten the 



222 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

]ew of Wilna, when one evening in the fpring 
of 1816 a man called at his humble abode in 
the fuburbs of Paris, and having fatisfied himfelf 
as to his identity, placed in his hands a packet and 
vanifhed. On opening it the colonel found bills 
on a banker in Paris to the amount of £5,000 
with the following note : — a He whofe daughter 
you prefer ved from the mo ft brutal treatment, 
whofe life you faved and whofe houfe you pro- 
tected from plunder at the rifk of your exiftence, 
fends you an offering of his gratitude -, the only 
return he requires is, if ever you hear the Jews 
contemned, you will fay that one of the race 
knew how to be grateful." The old Jew died 
at Vienna -, his daughter, the heirefs of his im- 
menfe wealth, the larger! portion of which was 
in the French funds, vifited Paris ; it was natu- 
ral fhe mould feek the brave man who had pre- 
ferred her from the worfl of fates, and with no 
common emotion he found the young girl he had 
preferved now a blooming and beautiful woman, 
and grateful as fhe was engaging. He became 
a lover, and me confented to be a wife. With 
her hand he received more than £100,000. 

Stupidity of Sheep. 

As a curious illuftration of the ftupidity of 
fheep, a perfon driving them through a dirty lane 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 223 

in Liverpool, they were met by fomebody coming 
in the oppofite direction. For a little time the 
whole made a flop ; at length one more venture- 
fome than the reft made a fudden effort, and 
leapt over the perfon's head ; all the reft of the 
fheep followed the example of the firft, though 
it coftthem confiderable exertion, while, if they 
had made the fmalleft bend to the right or left, 
they might have got forward without trouble. 



Comparifon. 

Dr. Barrington, a former Bifhop of Durham, 
was promoted to that fee about the time that 
Barrington, the celebrated pickpocket, was tranf- 
ported. A gentleman of the county of Oxford, 
celebrated for his talent for epigram, penned the 
following lines on the fubjedr, : — 

"Two namefakes of late, in a different way, 
Such wit and fuch zeal did beftir 'em, 

That one was tranfported to Botany Bay, 
And the other translated to Durham." 



Fruits of Induftry. 

Franklin, the greateft philofopher and ftatef- 
man of America, was once a printer's boy. 
Simpfon, the Scotch mathematician and author 
of many learned works, was at firft a poor 



224. THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

weaver. Herfchel, one of the moft eminent 
aftronomers, rofe from the low ftation of a fifer- 
boy in the army. Thefe examples mow us the 
happy effe&s of afliduity and perfeverance. 



Chance. 

When Ifaiah Thomas, the printer of Mafla- 
chufetts, was printing his Almanac for the year 
1780, one of his boys afked him what he mould 
put oppofite the i^th of July* Mr. Thomas 
being engaged, replied, " Anything, anything ! " 
The boy returned to the office and fet, " Rain, 
hail, and fnow." The country was all amaze- 
ment when the day arrived, for it actually rained, 
hailed, and fnowed violently. From that time 
Thomas's Almanac was in great demand. 



Reward. 

A Greek poet ufed often to prefent verfes to 
Auguftus, in hope of reward. The Emperor 
wrote an epigram and gave it to the poet as a 
reward in kind. The man read it with high ap- 
plaufe, and pulling out a few denarii, gave them 
to Auguftus, " If I had more you Jhould have more" 
Great laughter arifing, the Emperor ordered a 
fum worthy of himfelf. 



THE BANQUET OF WH. 225 



A Convert. 

A Methodift in America bragging how well 
he had inftru&ed fome Indians in religion, called 
up one of them, and after fome queftions, afked 
him if he had not found great comfort laft 
Sunday after receiving the Sacrament. " Ay, 
mailer," replied the favage ; " but I wifh it had 
been brandy." 



The Ghoft. 

A player performing the Ghoft in " Hamlet " 
very badly, was hifled ; after bearing it a good 
while, he put the audience in good humour by 
ftepping forward and faying, " Ladies and gentle- 
men, I am extremely forry that my humble en- 
deavours to pleafe are unfuccefsful ; but if you 
are not fatisfied, / muft give up the Ghoft" 



Tak" Tent. 

The Scotch phrafe take heed is tak* tent. This 
being ufed once by a Scotch phyfician to an 
Englifh lady who was his patient, occafioned a 
miftake which had nearly proved fatal. The 



226 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

phyfician always repeated to her, " Madam, tak f 
tent." Unfortunately the lady underftood him 
that (he was to drink tent wine regularly after her 
meals, and (he fuffered very materially from fol- 
lowing literally his fuppofed prefcription. 



Lord North. 

Lord North, when minifter, being one day in 
the gangway of one of the doors of the drawing- 
room at St. James's, a lady faid to him, "My 
lord, we want room, I wifh you would get out" 
" Alas, madam ! " replied he, "you are not the 
only perfon who has that wifh, though they do 
not all tell it me to my face." 

Robbers. 

A peafant threw himfelf at the feet of Charles 
XII. of Sweden, with a complaint againft one 
of his grenadiers, that had robbed him and his 
family of their dinner. " Is it true," faid 
Charles fternly to the grenadier, " that you have 
robbed this man?" The foldier replied, " Sir, 
I have not done fo much harm to this man as 
your Majefty has done to his mafter ; for you 
have taken from Auguftus a kingdom, but I have 
onlv taken from this peafant a dinner." Charles 
made the peafant amends, and he pardoned the 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 227 

grenadier for his bold remonftrance, faying, 
" My friend, you will do well to recollect that if 
I took Poland from Auguftus I did not take it 
for myfelf." 



Lord Bacon and the Spani/h AmbaJJador. 

Gondomar,the Spanifh ambafTador, called upon 
Lord Bacon after his difgrace ; and, intending to 
taunt him in his misfortunes, faid, " My lord, I 
wifh you a merry Eafter." " And to you, fenor," 
replied Lord Bacon, " I wifh a good pajfover ; " 
reminding him of his Jewifh defcent, which was 
the moft cutting retort that could be made to a 
Spaniard. 

Epigram. 

Boileau ufed to fay, that the beft epigrams 
originated in converfation, and of all his own, he 
gave the preference to the following : — 

" Here lies my wife, and Heaven knows 
Not lefs for mine than her repofe." 

The Duke of Bourbon. 

The Duke of Bourbon, general of the army 
of Charles V., received his death-wound in the 
aflault of the city of Rome. Some of the foldiers 



228 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

paffing near the place where he was ftretched 
upon the ground nearly expiring, afked each 
other if it was true that the Duke was dead. He 
hearing their inquiries, and wifhing not to dif- 
courage them, exclaimed, " Bourbon is gone 
forward ! " 

Mr. Churchill. 

The Abbe Raynal came with fome other 
Frenchmen to vilit Horace Walpole at Straw- 
berry Hill. They were ftanding at a window 
looking at the profpe£t of the Thames, which 
they found flat, and one of them faid in French, 
not thinking they were overheard, " Everything 
in England only ferves to recommend France to 
us the more." Mr. Churchill inftantly faid, 
" Gentlemen, when the Cherokees were in this 
country they could eat nothing but train oil." 



Marriage Brokers. 

In Genoa there are marriage brokers who 
have pocket-books filled with the names of the 
marriageable girls of the different dalles, with 
notes of their figures, perfonal attractions, for- 
tunes, &c. Thefe brokers go about endeavour- 
ing to arrange connections, and when they 
fucceed, they get a commiffion of two or three 
per cent, upon the portion. Marriage at Genoa 



THE BJN^UET OF WIT. 229 

is quite a matter of calculation, generally fettled 
by the parents or relations, who often draw up 
the contract before the parties have feen one 
another, and it is only when everything elfe is 
arranged, and a few days previous to the marriage 
ceremony, that the future hufband is introduced 
to his intended partner for life. Should he find 
fault with her manners or appearance, he may 
break off the match, on condition of defraying 
the brokerage and any other expenfes incurred. 



Long Suit. 

The longeft fuit on record in England is one 
which exifted between the heirs of Sir Thomas 
Talbot, Vifcount Lifle, and the heirs of a Lord 
Berkeley, refpe<5ring fome property in the County 
of Gloucefter, not far from Wotton-under- 
Edge. It began in the reign of Edward IV., 
and was depending until the beginning of that of 
James I., when it was finally compounded, being 
a period of not lefs than one hundred and twenty 
years ! ! ! 

Lord William Poulet. 

Lord William Poulet, though often chairman 
of committees of the Houfe of Commons, was a 
great dunce, and could fcarce read. Being to 



2 3 o THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

read a bill for naturalizing Jemima, Duchefs of 
Kent, he called her Jeremiah, Duchefs of Kent. 

Having heard fouth walls commended for 
ripening fruit, he mowed all the four fides of his 
garden for fouth walls. 

A gentleman writing to defire a fine horfe he 
had, offered him an equivalent. Lord William 
replied that the horfe was at his fervice, but he 
did not know what to do with an elephant. 

A pamphlet, called "The Snake in the Grafs," 
being reported (probably in joke) to be written by 
this Lord William Poulet, a gentleman, abufed 
in it, fent him a challenge. Lord William pro- 
fefled his innocence, and that he was not the 
author ; but the gentleman would not be fatisfied 
without a denial under his hand. Lord William 
took a pen, and began, " This is to fcratify that 
the buk called the Snak " — " Oh, my lord," 
faid the perfon, " I am fatisfied ; your Lordfhip 
has already convinced me you did not write the 
book." 

Edward Shuter [Comedian). 

Shuter had much innate humour, and difplayed 
when a marker at a billiard table, in his manner, 
fo great a turn for the ftage that it was noticed 
by feveral who attended the board of green cloth, 
and he was recommended to a berth in Covent 
Garden Theatre. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 231 

Whilft Shuter was tapfter at a public-houfe 
near Covent Garden, a gentleman one day ordered 
him to call a hackney-coach, which he accord- 
ingly did, and attended the gentleman at his get- 
ting in. It fo happened that the gentleman left 
his gold-headed cane in the coach, and, miffing it 
the next morning, went immediately to the 
public-houfe to inquire of the boy (Ned) whether 
he could tell the number. Shuter, who was then 
no great adept in figures, except in his own way 
of fcoring up a reckoning, immediately replied : 
" It was two pots of porter, a /hilling's worth of 
punch, and a paper of tobacco ." The gentleman 
was now as much at a lofs as ever, till Ned 
whipped out his chalk, and thus fcored the reckon- 
ing — 44 for two pots of porter, o for a fhilling's- 
worth of punch, and a line acrofs the two pots of 
porter for a paper of tobacco, which formed the 
number 440. In confequence of this, the gentle- 
man, recovered his cane, and, thinking it a pity 
fuch acutenefs of genius mould be buried in an 
ale-houfe, took him away, and put him to fchool. 



Sermonizing, Movingly. 

The Abbe Dufont, who in general was a good 
preacher, was apt, on fome fubje£b, to be im- 
moderately tedious. Whenever the founder of 
the Jefuits was introduced, he never failed to 



232 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

enter on a tirefome panegyric on his favourite 
faint. One day he compared him with all the 
celeftial hierarchy, and could find no place 
honourable enough for him; while his long para- 
graphs were ever clofed with the exclamation, 
" Where ihall we put this great Patriarch ? " 
An auditor, whofe patience was exhaufted, rofe 
up, and faid, " Since you are fo puzzled, he may 
have my place, for I am going." 



Columns of St. Peter's Church . 

Each of the four columns that fupport the 
dome of St. Peter's Church at Rome takes up as 
much room at the bafe as a little chapel and con- 
vent ; and yet they do not appear large, being 
proportionate to the reft of the building. They 
were defigned by Michael Angelo ; and he infifted 
earneftly that nothing mould be added or altered 
in his defign. Bernini afterwards undertook to 
make a ftaircafe within each column, there being 
originally a well; but juft as he had prepared the 
infide of one of them 3 the whole building gave a 
crafh, which the Italian tradition fays was as 
loud as thunder. He put up the flairs in that 
column, but would not attempt it in any more of 
them. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 233 

Criticifm. 

When Boileau, the poet, publifhed a new 
work, and his friend came and told him that the 
critics fpoke very feverely of it : " So much the 
better," faid he ; " for they never fpeak at all of 
bad works." 

The Butcher and Dr. John/on. 

An eminent butcher, as meagre in his perfon 
as he was in his underftanding, being one day in 
a bookfeller's mop, took up a volume of 
Churchill's poems, and, by way of fhowing his 
tafte, repeated with great affectation the follow- 
ing line : 

"Who rules o'er freemen, mould himfelf be free."' 1 
Then, turning to Doclor Johnfon, who was 
{landing by, "What think you of that, fir?" 
faid he. " Rank nonfenfe ; it is an affertion 
without a proof. You might as well fay : 
' Who flays fat oxen, mould himfelf be fat. 1 " 

Scarcity of Money. 

An Irifh gentleman, in the warmth of national 
veneration, was praifing Ireland for the cheap- 
nefs of provifions : a falmon might be bought for 



234 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

fixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. 
54 And pray, fir, how came you to leave fo cheap 
a country ? " " Arrah ! honey, but where were 
the fixpences and twopences to be got ? " 



What is Wit ? 

Dr. Henniker being in private converfation 
with the Earl of Chatham, his lordfhip afked him, 
among other queftions, what was wit, according 
to his opinion ? " Wit," he replied, " my lord, 
is what a penfion would be given by your lord- 
fhip to your humble fervant, a good thing well 
applied." 

Conde and Louis XIV, 

After the battle of Senef, which the great 
Conde gained in 1664 over the Prince of 
Orange, he went to pay his refpe£ts to the King. 
Louis XIV. happening to be on the top of the 
ftaircafe when the Prince was going up, who 
moved flowly, on account of his gout, " I beg 
your majefty's pardon," faid he, " for making 
you wait." " Do not hurry yourfelf, coufin," 
replied the King ; " no man can walk faft fo 
loaded with laurels as you are." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 235 

A Convert. 

A French officer, who was a prifoner upon his 
parole at Reading, met with a Bible ; he read it, 
and was fo ftruck with its contents, that he was 
convinced of the folly of fceptical principles, and 
of the truth of Chriftianity, and refolved to be- 
come a Proteftant. When his gay aflbciates 
rallied him for taking fo ferious a turn, he faid in 
his vindication, " I have done no more than my 
old fchoolfellow Bernadotte, who is become a 
Lutheran." " Yes, but he became fo," replied 
his afTociate, " to obtain a crown" " My motive," 
faid the Chriftian officer, " is the fame, we only 
differ as to place ; the objecl: of Bernadotte is 
to obtain a crown in Sweden, mine to obtain a 
crown in Heaven" 



Profefflonal yealoufy. 

" I will admit," faid Hogarth, " all the world 
to be competent judges of my pictures, except 
thofe who are of my profeffion." 

A Spanifh Pun. 

A beautiful Spanifh girl was playing on a 
guitar to a gentleman fome of her national airs 



236 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

and fongs, but did not accompany them with her 
voice. On his afking her to fing, fhe looked 
archly at him, and replied, " I cannot chanty but 
I can enchant ." 



Heroifm and AffeBion. 

A woman in Northampton county, in the 
United States, having obferved a rattlefnake 
coiled on a log near the houfe, me took her 
hufband's rifle out to moot, but fetting the gun 
at the end of the log, concluded to kill it with a 
ftick, which fhe effected ; when reaching for the 
rifle, and drawing it towards her, the lock ftruck 
a knot, the gun went off, and the ball entered 
her left fide, and came out near the moulder. 
She did not fall, but took the rifle into the houfe, 
and fet it up ; took her infant from the cradle, 
and bidding one of the elder children prefs her 
hand on the wound, to check the effufion of 
blood, gave fuck to the baby — thus exemplifying 
the " ruling paffion ffrong in death " — the laft 
thought of the mother was affociated with the 
comfort of her little one. A few hours after, 
the woman was found a corpfe. 



THE BANQUET OF WIT 237 
Loft and Found, and Found and Loft. 

Some gentlemen of a Bible aflbciation calling 
upon an old woman to fee if me had a Bible, 
were feverely reproved with a fpiritual reply, 
" Do you think, gentlemen, that I am a heathen, 
that you fhould afk me fuch a queftion ? " Then 
addreffing a little girl, me faid, " Run and fetch 
the Bible out of my drawer, that I may mow it 
to the gentlemen." The gentlemen declined 
giving her the trouble, but me infifted on giving 
them ocular demonftration. Accordingly the Bible 
was brought nicely covered ; and on opening it 
the old woman exclaimed, " Well, how glad I 
am you have come ; here are my fpectacles, that 
I have been looking for thefe three years, and 
didn't know where to find 'em." 



Portrait Painting. 

A portrait painter in large practice might write 
a pretty book on the vanity and Angularity of 
his fitters. A certain man came to Copley, and 
had himfelf, and wife, and feven children all in- 
cluded in a family piece. u It wants but one 
thing," faid he, " and that is the "portrait of my 
firft wife — for this one is my fecond." " But," 
faid the artift, " fhe is dead, you know, fir ; 



238 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

what can I do ? fhe is only to be admitted as an 
angel." " Oh, no ! not at all," anfwered the 
other ; " fhe mud come in as a woman — no 
angels for me." The portrait was added, but 
fome time elapfed before the perfon came back ; 
when he returned, he had another lady on his 
arm. " I muft have another caft of your hand, 
Copley," he faid : a an accident befel my fecond 
wife ; this lady is my third, and fhe is come to 
have her likenefs included in the family pi&ure." 
The painter complied — the likenefs was intro- 
duced, and the hufband looked with a glance of 
fatisfa£Hon on his three fpoufes. Not fo the 
lady ; fhe remonftrated ; never was fuch a thing 
heard of ! out her predeceflbrs muft go. The 
artift painted them out accordingly, and had to 
bring an action-at-law to obtain payment for the 
portraits he had obliterated. 



Reform and the Cholera. 

I overheard a part of a converfation between 
two of your high-fpirited countrywomen, O'Sul- 
livan, who were enjoying a dudeen together. 
" Bother the Reform Bill, Judy," faid the lady 
in the variegated petticoat, " what good has it 
done us ? " " Devil a bit, that I know of, 
darlint," faid the heroine in the military jacket. 
" You've juft guefled it fure ; myfelf is the 



THE BJN^UET OF WIT. 239 

one that got nothing at all at all by the Reform 
Bill; but by the cholera I got J "even good yards of 
flannel." "True enough, darlint, the cholera's 
the thing, and, with the bleffing of God, we'll 
have it again this fafon," 



Refinement in Germany. 

Writing in the year 1835, the author of a 
work entitled "Private Anecdotes of Foreign 
Courts," prefents the following fketch of the 
progrefs of refinement in Germany, which, in 
fome places, is much behind France in its 
civilized ufages : — " In fome of the moft refined 
cities of Germany, civilization does not feem to 
have made the {lighten: progrefs during the laft 
feven centuries. At Munich, for inftance, the 
capital of Bavaria, at the principal hotel (the 
" Red Deer ") frequented by citizens of the firft 
refpectability as well as by officers, both civil 
and military, of his Majefty's houfehold, they 
bring you, if you afk for a towel in the morn- 
ing, a piece of linen fit only for a razor-rag ; if 
you require water to waih yourfelf, a fmall/wine- 
glafsful is prefented on a faucer ! An Italian 
gentleman, who had been accuftomed in his own 
country to wafh in a chriftian-like manner, with 
a fufficiency of water, having defired the waiter 
at the faid hotel to bring him fome, and feeing 



240 THE BANQUET OF WIT 

the man approach with a glafs and faucer, very 
innocently faid, <f I don't want it to drink, but 
to warn with." " Well ! " anfwered the fellow, 
pert enough, u and there it is." u Why how 
the deuce," rejoined the other, " is a man to 
wafh himfelf in a fpoonful of water ? " " Ah, 
blefs you, fir ! " exclaimed the waiter, taking 
the fluid into his mouth, and then fpitting it on 
his hands and rubbing his face therewith," that's 
the way for any man to warn his face ! " 



Animation. 

Sir J s C — q — n had his portrait painted 

by the late celebrated Martin of Edinburgh. 
Soon after, fome gentlemen being in his houfe one 
forenoon, he requeued their opinion of the paint- 
ing, who all agreed that it was beautifully 
painted, but that there appeared great want of 

animation in the face. Away Sir J s hies 

him to Martin, and tells him, in his whining 
manner, the obfervations and fuppofed fault of 
the picture. To which the painter replied, 
" By my faith, fir, if it had animation in the face, 
it would be very unlike you." 



THE BANQUET OF WIT. 241 

Misfortune, 

An Irifh horfe-dealer fold a mare as in found 
wind and limb, and without fault. It afterwards 
appeared that the poor beaft could not fee at all 
of one eye, and was almoft blind of the other. 
The purchafer finding this, made heavy com- 
plaints to the dealer, and reminded him, that he 
engaged the mare to be without fault. " To be 
fure," returned the other, " to be fure I did; 
but then, my dear honey, the poor crater's 
blindnefs is not her fault, but her misfortune.'" 

'Tender Feeling. 

Sterne's maid-fervant afked her mafter leave 
to go to a public execution at the Tyburn, near 
York. Soon after me fet off fhe returned 
blubbering and all in tears. On her mailer's 
afking the caufe of her grief, and why fhe cried, 
me anfwered, " Becaufe fhe had loft her labour, 
for before fhe reached the gallows, the man was 
reprieved." 

" Benevolence and Ufury. 

An Englifh ftock-jobber, well known upon 
'Change as a man of unexampled parfimony, 



242 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

although poffeffed of an immenfe fortune, one 
day met a very poor man, one of his own rela- 
tions. " Come hither, George," faid the mifer, 
" do you know I have juft now made my will, 
and remembered you handfomely, my boy." 
u God blefs you, brother," faid the grateful man, 
"you will be rewarded for fo charitable an 
action, for you could not have thought of a more 
diftrefled family." "Are you indeed fo very 
poor, George?" "Sir, my family's ftarving," 
faid the man, almoft crying. " Harkye, then, 
George, if you will allow me a good difcount^ I 
will pay you immediately." We need not add, 
that the terms were accepted of, while they 
parted equally pleafed with the bargain they had 
concluded. 

Retaliation. 

James II., when Duke of York, made a vifit 
to Milton the poet, and afked him if he did not 
think the lofs of fight was a judgment upon 
him for what he had written againft his father, 
Charles I. The poet anfwered, " If his High- 
nefs thought his lofs of fight a judgment upon 
him, he wifhed to know what he thought of 
his father's lofmg his head ? " 






THE BANQUET OF WIT. 243 

Winking at Neglett. 

As a regiment of foldiers was marching 
through a country town, the captain (a ftricl 
difciplinarian) obferved that one of the drums 
did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to inquire 
the reafon. The fellow, on being interrogated, 
whifpered the lieutenant, "I have two ducks 
and a turkey in my drum, and the turkey is 
for his honour ; " which being whifpered to the 
captain, " Confound the fellow," cried the 
captain, " why did he not fay he was lame ? I 
don't want men to do their duty when they're 
not able." 

Real Value. 

Lady fent a very civil mefTage to Mr, 

Harris, patentee of Covent Garden Theatre, 
offering him her comedy for nothing. Mr. 
Harris obferved, " that her Ladyfhip knew the 
exaft value of it." 



Conjugal Wit. 

A French lady wrote this letter to her hufband : 
" I write to you, becaufe I have nothing to do : 
1 end my letter, becaufe I have nothing to fay." 



244 THE BANQUET OF WIT. 

Sharp Reply, 

Two country attorneys overtaking a waggoner 
on the road, and thinking to be witty upon him, 
afked why his fore horfe was fo fat, and the reft 
fo lean ? The waggoner, knowing them, an- 
fwered that his fore horfe was a lawyer, and the 
reft were his clients. 

On Folly's lip eternal tattlings dwell ; 
Wifdom fpeaks little, but that little well \ 
So length'ning fhades the fun's decline betray, 
But fhorter fhadows mark meridian day. 



CHISWICK PRESS :— C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO., TOOKS COURT, 
CHANCERY LANE, 



